I’m not really sure where to begin……My husband and I have been together 15 years. My relationship with my MIL has been ok except the last couple of years…they’ve been touch and go. Before I begin my spiel, some history might help…..My husband is the oldest of three sons. In his very early years, he was not raised by my MIL; he was passed around to different family members. When he reached the age of 7 or 8 he moved in with his mother. At this point he began taking care of his middle brother while she disappeared for most of the day/night. His youngest brother was born shortly after that and he was left to care for him as well. Suffice it to say, her children were not a priority - until 7 years ago. Now…she’s living three hours away from my husband and I, his two brothers and their families who live within an hour of each other. Typically, when she comes to the area, all of us will meet at one house and visit/socialize, etc. Several years ago, one of my BIL & wife divorced and let’s just say he’s made some bad choices particularly when it came to his children. This is where I believe the trouble began….My SIL and I have children from previous marriages, and of course MIL thinks our ex-husbands should pay child support. However, her son shouldn’t. Being a right/wrong type personality, anytime conversations about this issue would arise, I very adammantly stated that he had a financial responsibility to his kids whether either of them liked it or not. She couldn’t expect some to pay and her son not too. Well, now when she comes to visit, I don’t get invited. Let me further explain that my husband travels extensively in his career; of course, this only happens when he’s gone. He says he’s talked to her about it and explained that she wasn’t right but nothing’s changed. At this point, I’m not sure what to do. I know deep in my heart my husband loves me, but I think he’s torn. I know it wouldn’t be right to put him in a position where he’d have to choose between the two of us; but I feel like he’s ignoring how it makes me feel in order to avoid confrontation. I have to be honest - Being a devoted mother myself, I do harbor resentment/anger issues being that until 7 years ago, she wanted nothing to do with being a mother. Any advice or suggestions on what I could/should do would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you
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Advice
4 Responses to “What should I do???”
Is it really any of her business when it comes to your previous marriage? You don’t tell her what her son should be doing, how he should be paying child support, so neither should she. I don’t think it concerns her at all really… but that’s just my opinion lol. It’s such a tricky situation, so many women go through similiar problems.. I’m in the same boat, my DH is getting sick of hearing about his mother so I tend to lay off of it for a week then I nag again lol. You are soo right, they start to feel torn and I think they get frustrated. Theey can’t change their mother.
It’s a shame we all can’t get that perfect family, that lil picture we have in our head that is so perfect.. really when is anything ever perfect? I know these MIL’s aren’t ahahah. I would bring it up to your hubby ONE more time, you did say in your story he’s already had a word with her and she hasn’t changed…. maybe she’ll never change. Be thankful she doesn’t ask you to visit anymore, I bet you feel left out but at least you don’t have to tolerate her crap anymore. But ya, just ask him if he’s alright with you and his mother just not being best of friends, it happens. My MIL is slowly getting used to the relationship we have, I think she wanted to mold me in to a daughter she never had and I just wouldn’t allow it, she wanted to try and be my so called “friend” aswell as control me aha NO THANKS lol.. same thing is happening to me, I put my foot down on a few things and now she don’t call me anymore or ask about me when she talks to my hubby. Let these woman be childish and selfish, who needs them lol. If he loves you, I doubt he’ll pick her side and keep his distance from you. It sounds like he’s with you and just ignores whats going on, be thankful he hasn’t picked her side over you.. some mamma boys do that. Judging from your story it just sounds like he doesn’t want to hear about it from both sides, you and his mother. I’m sure he’ll be fine with you being his wife but just not being close with his mother, I hope anyway. Keep it mutual if you ever speak to her, try not to care as much. She sounds like a control freak, like the rest of them.. lol.
Your children were a part of the deal when your husband first met you. he accepted you and your children and it is none of your MIL business. Sounds like she was a lousy mother dont punish yourself by worrying over her. YOu are a good wife and most importantly a good mother. something your MIL knows nothing about. She is a small person and I say dont sweat the small stuff. Dont allow her to ruin a minute of your life. Be firm in dealing with her and keep her in her place and make sure you tell your husband exactly where you stand and as to what you will and will not put up with and stand your ground. IF he is a man at all he will respect and understand your feelings and position. Now days good mothers are hard to come by. Be a good mother and stand your ground for your sanity and your children
I would say that, if you were never to see her again, would you actually be loosing out? would you be missing anything? would your children? do you really want to be invited to some place by someone who, for WHATEVER reason, petty or not, doesn’t want you there? forget about her. concentrate on your children first, and your marriage second. cant say that id want my child to be around her if I’m perfectly honest.id rather not give her the chance to try and screw up my kids as well as her own. you husband has his own issues though, which is understandable. just be there for him when he needs you, because this situation isn’t going to be like this for very long - there’s a lot of hurt and anger ready to come out in this family, and its not to going to stay dormant for very long - maybe your better off being separated from it……
Speaking from the children’s point of view, it’s hurtful. My parents divorced when I was six and they both remarried. One thanksgiving, my step aunt invited everyone over for dinner but “forgot” we were coming and made my sisters and I sit in the kitchen by ourselves. My father never said anything to his new SIL about it. Then, one Christmas, my step grandfather refused to buy my sisters and I any presents because he says we’re “ungrateful”, but bought some for his other step grand children that do nothing but use him for money. When children are brought from another family, into a new one, it’s toxic. Sure, the step parents may accept, but jealous SIL, and step grandparents don’t always have open arms. You’re husband needs to understand that this not only affects you, but it affects your children too. I will never forget the way my step family made me and my sisters feel. They treat us like lepers. You don’t want your children to hate the new family, so action should be taken.