my husband and I were married a little over three years ago - when we started dating and her brought me home to baltimore (we were living in NYC) his MIL still had two pics framed from his first wedding (one of her and my husband and one of her and her other son) - my husband asked her to take them down saying he didn’t think it was cool to have them up with me there
we had a photographer for the ceremony and i just bought little table cameras for the reception so people could play with those because we really just wanted professional pictures of the ceremony and i wanted people to be able to document the reception for themselves - well we went to visit the in-laws six months after the wedding and my MIL got drunk and told me how “complicated” my wedding was and how “disappointed” she was in us for not having a photographer at the reception - she complained that she only had one glass of wine because they had to document the reception themselves, how there are no pictures of her friends and how she wanted to get a picture of her and her older son dancing because he’d probably never get married himself and said (pointing to my husband) “he made me take the other one down” (being from my husband’s first wedding)and told us she had more fun at my husbands first wedding (to the awful woman who left him who they hate)
i could just write her off as a waspy self consumed b#$ch but the problem is that with my background i don’t seem to have the confidence to do that any more - my own mother fought with me on the morning of my wedding - my pregnant sister bitched about the transportation and heat and a few months later my own aunt threw it in my face that the picture of her and my grandmother and me was fine but she sure wished there was one of all of us (THEY KNEW WE WERE OUTSIDE TAKING PICTURES - THEY WAITED ON THE BUS TO GO TO THE INTERCEPTION AND MY OWN MOTHER DIDN’T EVEN GO TO CHECK ON OR BRING HER MOTHER OUTSIDE)
i have been obsessively beating myself up over all of these things for the past three years (starting with my panic attack on the way to the airport for our honeymoon) - i’m working with a therapist on my own family issues (i was the scapegoat for years and have a really hard time being convinced i’m not “bad” if people aren’t pleased)-
how do i tune her out? i have an AMAZING 15 month old daughter now and we visit them often - she constantly judges the affection we give our daughter, how we let her sleep in our bed etc… and tells people she disagrees with me - i just get really tired and closed off and beaten down - can any of you guys help me distance myself and not feel like i was bad or wrong? that it’s not me? it’s easy for me to fall into the “if only i ….” routine
thanks for listening
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Advice
2 Responses to “wedding slamming and beyond”
My heart goes out to you… I know how hard it can be to stand up for yourself when no one else does, but listen: you’ve got a daughter yourself now. If you don’t set a good example for how to let people treat you, she’ll certainly follow.
As the daughter of a mother with low self-esteem, I’m speaking from the heart. What’s worse, is that my mother not only took th beatings herself, she also let ME take them.
Now I’m in my early twenties, planning a wedding, and learning to stand up to my family and fin-laws for the very first time. I think to an extent, you need to keep those selfish people at arm’s length. One day they’ll have to face how they treat you and they’ll pay for it… even if you NEVER know. But for now, try to take your pleasure in what makes you, your husband and your daughter happy.
Screw everyone else.
The problem with life is that there are NO DO OVERS.
Your wedding was exactly that YOUR wedding for you and your husband! All persons do things differently that is what makes us unique and others persons opinions on your wedding shouldn’t affect you. You have to learn from your past experiences. In my experience confrontation is the only thing that has any impact. Your situation is in the past so leave it there; focus on the future milestones that you can impact in your family’s lives. Confront your MIL regarding the current situations with your husband and express your concerns. Don’t live in the “WHAT IF”. Sounds like you’re stronger than what you give yourself credit for…I mean here you are still beating yourself up over a situation 3 years old.