Mother-in-law Hell

To start I should say that I had 3 children from a previous marriage when I got into the relationship I am currently in. He also had 2 children from a previous marriage, so it wasn’t like I just thrust children upon his life unexpectedly. I know from having to deal with a past MIL, that sometimes they can be rude and intrusive but I don’t think I ever expected to be where I am today.

My MIL started out very kind, I heard stories of how she donates to all these charities not only with time but money and materials. She adopted children and fostered many more, she’s very tight knit and does not like playing games or lying. I was not particularly close with my ex’s mother so I tried to keep an open mind and called to talk to them while K* (my fiance’ at the time) was deployed overseas. I did my best to make friends but started noticing odd things that they would do after talking to me. For instance, calling him and telling him everything I had just said and asking if he really wants to put up with the fact that I don’t know how to cook. Each time I had a conversation, they would turn around and try to use it against me. It was upsetting to me so I openly asked why they were doing it, they insisted it was because they wanted us to both know what we were getting into and didn’t want any secrets. They also added that they would tell me stuff about him so I was aware what I would have to deal with (which never happened, and I doubt I would be shocked). After they were confronted it seemed to stop for a bit.

Until they called him one morning after talking to me about how they were painting their adopted daughter’s room. I had commented that my parents room was the same color, they said they bet I thought it was ugly, I said I didn’t like it because everything was this one color and it was way overdone. They apparently told him that I went on to say how ugly it was that they were painting the room this color and how awfully mean I must be because if the daughter would have heard, then she would have been so hurt and not wanted to paint it that color. First of all, I didn’t say it…Second, she didn’t hear it because I didn’t say it so she wouldn’t have been hurt…and Third, not everyone is going to like any color so at some point someone will actually say it and it will probably be a friend of hers. I defended myself but they stuck to this story.

Around this point, I was getting ready to move across the country to live where he was about to be stationed upon coming into the US. I was busy with my three children and trying to make all the arrangements, he also was busy since he was about to go into surgery and would be in the hospital without any way to make contact. As soon as he wasn’t available, the MIL calls and starts asking about custody of my children and visitation with their father once I moved. Their father had agreed to move cross-country and we had both agreed that we would be open to visitation until we settled on where we were all living. I told this to said MIL and she started rampaging, saying that if I let their father see them more then twice a month, I obviously didn’t love K* or want to give him a chance to be their father. He isn’t their father, and he has every opportunity to be their step-father but that isn’t at the expense of their biological father who is a good parent. She said that if I cared about them seeing their dad, then I obviously should just get back together with him and I was bringing baggage into K*’s life. I found this interesting considering he is the one with the psychotic mother, a manipulative Ex-wife, and emotional baggage from growing up in his family. I wasn’t bringing much of anything and definitely not anywhere near what he had lugging behind him. She literally went on this tirade until I broke down crying because I couldn’t understand how anyone would think I didn’t love K*. At which point she went on to say that she knew I was crying and she didn’t care.

I moved past this and went on with the move, physically moving was pretty stressful and we wound up very behind schedule and nothing had really worked out right. We were supposed to have gotten there on Thursday and it was Friday before we did, at which point we had to get the moving trucks unloaded and then unpacked, go grocery shopping for as much as I could (I was without a car for 4 weeks until he got back from Overseas), get any other necessities, go to the Health Department, and get my son enrolled in Kindergarten. Needless to say, I wasn’t sitting around talking to people on the phone even know there were quite a few people leaving messages, including the FIL and MIL. We ended up passing out around 4 a.m. that night and were back up at 8 a.m. with the children. By 6 p.m. my helpers were leaving and the house was still a mess and I had a lot of stuff to finish. I was beyond stressed and still not feeling like talking on the phone. By Sunday morning, I took time out to respond to phone calls so everyone knew we were alright, which also including calling the MIL. She said that they were planning on coming out the last Friday to help me get settled but now they couldn’t because I didn’t call, I said it wasn’t a big deal but I appreciated the thought..and really I couldn’t be blamed because they planned something without telling me. Supposedly at some point, they said I should call them after my son’s first day of school so they could talk to him. I don’t remember it, but I’m giving it the benefit of the doubt.

Needless to say, 2 days go by and they were e-mailing K* about how I wouldn’t call them (phone works 2 ways) and they were just interested in hearing from him about his day at school. He said I must have gotten distracted but once again I was defending myself, I didn’t remember them saying that…and I was kind of busy juggling everything going on. I did end up calling and I thought I settled everything. I was wrong. They called every couple hours for the next few days, if I didn’t answer, they were calling him to update on my avoidance of them (regardless of what I was doing). At this point, there was a hurricane ready to hit the city next to ours, my son had gotten sick and passed it to my daughters, couldn’t get medicine without taking all three kids in a Taxi, was running out of milk, etc. I was stressed, so the last time I talked to them I told them I felt really stressed and on the edge of a breakdown. I also mentioned that if they wanted to come out at this point to visit or help out at all, it would be really helpful (they live 4 hours away). They pushed away that idea and told me if I felt like calling the next day I could. Fine.

Well I didn’t call, there were other people calling and as I previously mentioned I was stressed and really didn’t want to talk. That night I received a nasty message on my phone about how they told me I was supposed to call and obviously I couldn’t even do that. It was 9:30 p.m. when I received the message and didn’t want to call and wake them up so I told K* about it and told him to try and smooth it over when he talked to them next. When he talked to them the next day, there was a big blow up about how I was avoiding them. Not only that, they went on to say that when he flew into town they were planning on picking him up at the airport and keeping him at their house for a few days (without telling ME or HIM)…leaving me and my children without any way to get to the store for even longer. WTF?!? Thanks FIL and MIL.

So I ignored this behavior, he refused to come to their house, and I didn’t call them again. I figured they would get the point and since they never attempted to call I didn’t figure they cared. As soon as his plane landed in the US, they were calling back to back for hours. Soon they were leaving messages about how he may be dead by now and they are so worried because he won’t call them (his cell battery died)…meanwhile, I was in the same boat but they had his sister call me to get the point across that I should MAKE him call. I can’t, sorry. He finally gets into town, he charged the battery and I saw the messages, I said he should call them back. For the next week, I insisted that he call them and try to maintain a relationship since they made a huge deal about his EX not letting him call. It wasn’t long before I stopped insisting, since every time they talked to him, they were telling him what a horrible person I am. Each night was a new thing, then they even started bring my children and pets into it. Eventually after calling each minute for 30 min, he picked up and told them he really didn’t care to talk to them since he was sick of their negativity and lecturing. They insisted he was only saying this because I was making him and he wasn’t “man enough” to tell them it was me. He hung up because he wasn’t going to deal with it. Of course they called back and back and back…

I was sick of hearing them call the house and call phones, so I finally answered. It was his mother and I told her very calmly that he didn’t want to talk, at which point she asked why he hung up. I told her and she immediately said “And I know you were in the background saying HANG UP K*”…no, no I wasn’t. I told her I don’t control him and I don’t tell him what to do…this is where she pretty much lost it and said among worse things that I was a stupid f***** b****, lazy, psychotic, juvenile, bad mom, etc etc. She doesn’t know what kind of mom I am, she has never MET me in person. Apparently I am lazy because her son wanted to come straight home to me since I had no vehicle…whatever. I can only assume she said I was psychotic because I wasn’t cowering in fear at her screeching and I just kept saying “this isn’t how you handle a situation”. I was pretty much deaf in one ear after listening to her go on screaming for an hour, the whole of which I stayed extremely calm and collected…although I must say I’m perplexed as to why I “used them” and “screwed them over” by not calling them back. The FIL eventually got on the phone to equally insult me but in a much lower tone. They then informed me that I was obviously trying to show that I had more power then they do with their son, which is exactly what THEY were doing. Then exhibited it clearly when they told me to tell him if he didn’t get on the phone, they wouldn’t call back. He refused. Then edited it and said I should tell him they would die before they called and to make sure they knew that he wouldn’t even know if they died. I did and he refused. They hung up on me.

Life was calm for almost 3 weeks. Then they started calling again, saying they were worried about him and that he at least OWES it to them to call them. The sister once again called, telling me how she was belted with even more sinister stories about me and how she should beware. Also, they insisted he call because when he talks to his sister or text messages her, it could be me….WHAT?!? So finally, K* calls them back, telling them that he’s fine and he doesn’t want to talk until we both get apologies. This was not good enough apparently and they went on for 2 hours about how horrible I am again, how I screwed them over, back stabbed them, used them, I didn’t buy his sister a birthday present (WTF?!?) and if I was that mean to her, then he should be worried about leaving his children with me…and so on. Also, she finished by saying that she isn’t apologizing to me until I apologize for using her and backstabbing her.

So right now, we are at a stand off…I’m not apologizing for something I didn’t do, that would be saying I did it. All I want an apology for is her ranting and name calling when she called, which was beyond juvenile…I didn’t ask for an apology for all the past drama. I don’t think I’m in the wrong either, but I’m not holding my breath. She didn’t really apologize to K* either, she said she was sorry if he misunderstood something and was hurt…um, you aren’t apologizing for stuff you did, you’re saying you’re basically sorry that he took what you were saying wrong (which nothing was a misunderstanding but it’s a common excuse of theirs when they are caught in a lie). He eventually got off the phone way after we should have been asleep and before he did he told them he loved them and he’d TALK TO ME. I felt like I was kicked in the ribs. I don’t even know what to do, but it will be a cold day in hell before she hears an apology from me for something that she’s lying about.

And obviously there is a lot of stuff that was said and did in the midst of everything that I cut out to save space and time…I thought this was enough to give you all the general idea of her insanity.