so my mother in law decided that we needed to chat about our relationship and i thought it was a complete disaster! i know she ment well but she basically told me that if i did not start making more of an effort to get to know them (i see them once a week) that they were not going to consider me family or be able to really love me! she was not only stating this about spending more time with them but also with her daughters . . . when i told her that i was busy all she had to say was “well we are ALL busy, thats life”. i want to make things work but i also want boundaries, building a relationship with my husband is my first priority and i dont always have time to go just hang out with the mother in law/sisters! does anyone have any suggestions as to how i can gracefully tell her she needs to be a little more reasonable?
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Her name is Patricia. By day, she is Mrs. Corporate America, by night, she is an “Ann Landers” of sorts. Patricia is the founder of the internationally-recognized website, motherinlawhell.com.
Advice
2 Responses to “setting boundaries . . .”
Congratulations! You’ve just been made the victim of emotional blackmail. I am so sorry. I am also very angry for you.
How dare your MIL make her love conditional? What the heck does she mean when she says “they will not consider you family or be able to really love [you]?” So you have to jump through her flaming hoops to be considered worthy? Are you kidding me? Who are “they?”
You do realized that if you allow her to dictate your behavior like this, withholding love, that you are setting the theme for the rest of your relationship with her, right? Unless you truly wish to become her little dogsbody, stop this right now.
1. Your MIL sounds like what is called an “engulfer.” Please pick up a copy of the book “Toxic Inlaws” by Susan Forward. It’s an eye-opener and should provide you with some great coping strategies.
2. What did your husband say when you told him this? Is he with you or will he throw you under the bus?
3. You should never, ever again allow her to manipulate you into being alone with her.
4. You could try using very non-commital language; “Thank you for telling me … have you tried the bean dip?” might be an appropriate response.
5. If you are feeling at all confrontational, ask her “What exactly do you mean by that, MIL?” Repeat back to her what you heard her say.
6. Try taking deep breaths before you answer her. It gives you time to think about your answer so you are not trapped into saying something snarky or make a commitment to something you regret later.
Good luck! And go forward as you mean to go on.
-the shiksagoddess
My MIL did this to me too. It didn’t work. I didn’t jump through the hoops.
Honey, there is no graceful way to tell your MIL she can shove it. Your husband needs to be the one to do this.