Mother-in-law Hell

I don’t know where to start when it comes to this woman.
I’ve been with my DH for 2 years but we only got married 7 months ago and I’m 38, almost 39 weeks pregnant right now!!!
We live an hour away from my MIL thank God, stops the visits a lil bit but doesn’t stop her from calling non stop lol.. I haven’t even popped out my baby yet!! lol and she’s already asking to babysit, I don’t think a child that will be breastfed should be an hour and a half away from the mother, you’d think my MIL would understand cause she was once a mother but noo she’s too selfish to even think for others, she wants what she wants, she thinks I’m being over protective oh wow get a clue… she’s talking about retiring to spend time with the baby. You know how badly I felt like saying, oh really? Are you having a baby? LOL… she can be in my childs life but not every day, I would die. And of course, she’s giving me the useless MIL advice, she tried rearranging our furniture once ahahahha f*ck off lady!!! I’m sure we’ve all heard the MIL advice lol. She’s forever telling me stories of her motherhood days… she thinks she’s being helpful when really I don’t give a crap, I’ll raise my child the way I want to. You may of used your own diapers, not me hunny sorry, get over it lol. She has become very overbearing over my DH. I think she feels like she’s lost or might be a little jealous of me, I come first, not her. I have tolerated her bullsh*t for about a year, now I’m starting to take offence to her comments… maybe it’s my horomones but still, she needs to let go of her son and stop with the advice and PLEASE stop giving us suggestions about OUR home. I’m not saying they need to stop talking to each other because that’s just cruel. Calling here every day, every other day if I’m lucky!! It’s starting to annoy me. I used to cave in and talk to her every time she called, I don’t anymore. I tell my DH to make up an excuse, shower, sleeping, whatever.. I don’t want to talk to that insane woman. We’ve been trying to brake her in slowly lol we used to see her every weekend, but it was becoming a little too much.. my DH works 7 days a week, taking time off work every weekend was stressing him out. So now we see her twice a month, I would like to see her once a month but it’s not happening lol she becomes pushy with my DH.. “I never see you anymore”, always guilt trips him. Touching basis every day, what can change over night? She seriously needs to let go of her son and let him live his new life, he has his own family now. Wow am I ever venting lol.. Thanks Giving just went by, we made plans with her.. no lie, I picked up some kind of flu. I’ve had an ear infection for about a week now, the docor gave me ear drops but they are useless. I can’t tale any pills/antibiotics because of my pregnancy - I have felt so run down and sick, I’ve been eating a lot of dry food because I’ve been throwing up here and there. Thanks Giving day, I was so run down and I threw up, I started to have PAINFUL contractions. I was scared sh*tless, at the time I was only 37 weeks. These weren’t no braxton hick contractions, these were STRONG, painful, coming every 5 mins and lasted long. I paged my midwife and she said puking probably tightened up the uterus and made the contractions start, she told me to take it easy and pretty much bed rest. So going to my MIL’s house wasn’t even relevant in my mind. My DH broke the news to her and she actually victimized him.. instead of showing concern, asking if I’m ok, she b*tched about how she’s been cooking all day and the pie is in the oven. That really upset me, how can a 52 year old woman be so friggin selfish? I just slept on it, screw her lol. The next day my DH called here, I guess her lil game worked and he felt guilty… when I believe he shouldn’t but whatever. She wanted to talk to me, she did the same thing to me….. she tried to make me feel guilty because we didn’t make it the day before, she was just oh-so excited and we let her down, she had to put this friggin pie in the freezer (Oh no!! She had to put the pie in the freezer!! Big efffin deal)- then she gives me this pathetic sappy story how she was up till 3 in the morning and today she just doesn’t feel herself, she’s feeling sick. What the f*ck is wrong with this woman? I just been puking my guts out and had contractions? All I am hearing is her, her, her….. Is she jealous cause she’s not the center of attention anymore? It’s not my fault I was sick and contractions started, trust me if I could take it back I would!! But I guess that’s not good enough for her, I need to be dying to do a no show at her house. I felt useless, like a ghost… I tried talking to my DH about it, he told me to just try and diffuse it, don’t let her bother you, he agreed with me that she’s very self-absorbed and thinks about herself only.. how can I? I’ve been sick, been told to bed rest cause of these contractions and all my MIL can do is b*tch about her stupid pie and how she’s been up all night? The way she was talking to me it was like she was trying to make me feel bad and I just shrugged it off. She knew I wanted to get off the phone lol so she let me go. I am so upset at her, I don’t know how a woman her age can be so vain. She’s visiting our home tomorrow, I’m staying at my parents house… I don’t want to see her after last week, my DH understands, I’m ready to pop any day now lol I do not need MIL stress when my due date is around the corner. Hate is a strong word.. but after her little episode last week, I seriously think I hate her. I have put up with so much crap from this woman the past 2 years but last week she put the cherry on top. I don’t know how MIL’s can’t realize when they’re getting out of hand - I swear they do they could care less.
I’m done venting… lol.
When I go home on Sunday, she better not of rearranged any of our furniture lol. I’ll go bonkers.