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Daughters in Law... don’t suffer in silence!

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I just want to know if these things are normal, so please, anyone who has had similar experiences, help me find an answer :
1. Is it okay for a mom ( my MIL) to call his 26 years old son( my bf ) 5-8 times a day ? Everyday ??! Mornin-noon-evening, Even if they see eachother at least 2 times a week ? And usually these phone calls are just to vent and make him feel guilty because he doesn't live with them anymore . He is their only son .

We have been together for almost 8 years now .

I don't have a perfect relationship with my mom, we see each other once a week and talk on the phone maybe 6 times a month (and i am fine with that , since i am 23 ). But my MIL has such a needy vibe to her, or maybe she's just being a good mother, i don't know ??! She lives with her husband but keeps calling and buzzing her son multiple times a day. She keeps baby talking to him. He is not able to do his own laundry, wash dishes or wash his teeth because of how he was raised. I feel like he won't be able to man up and properly take care of himself since she still treats him like a baby but, at the same time, expects him to pay for their needs .

2. She always asks my bf for money. If she doesn't do it directly, she will keep talking about how many bills she has to pay or how much medicine she has to buy, until my bf feels guilty and gives her money. They are not exactly poor, but they are in weird situations with a lot of banks, being deep in dept. At the situation lasts for years, it didn't change since 2009 ( i kept hoping. Now i know it won't change for the better since they have the same unhealthy habits - they borrow money and need to keep borrowing to be able the pay the previous lenders ) . So my bf won't be able to have enough money for himself( again, he is 26 ), let alone for me or for a potential family/household because a lot of money go to his family . So I have to hussle by myself - i work and take care of me, my 12 years old brother, our house, i spoil my bf when i feel like he deserves it and take care of him too, and i find myself in the situation of having to lend money to his family as well.

They never ever helped him with financial stuff, let alone condos , houses, cars or properties. They are pensioners, and just sit in poverty, borrowing money from people and banks, just to borrow money to be able to pay those and so on. This vicious cycle seems to never end . Sadly, they are just getting older and sicker and all they do is complain and vent to whoever will listen .

3. The MIL calls my bf Daddy ??!?! When I first heard that i was shocked and extremely surprised . I still cringe when I hear that.

4. The MIL and the FIL are sick, illnesses that sometimes are contagious. But, since my bf has to visit them as often as possible and I just want to be by his side and uplift him, I would go with him . I get colds and flus really easily and I feel so disgusted because i just try to stay away from them when i know they are sick ( i might be afraid of germs too, since I don.t use the toilet without cleaning it after my own mom )but they are so extremely polite that they insist and order me to join them and sit close to them and now, of course, i got the flu again and i just bought myself antibiotics and i have to suffer in silence . I won't blame them outloud but i know i got the virus from there and i can't understand how you would keep inviting your own son and his loved one over knowing that you suffer from contagious diseases.

On the other hand, I know they are old and someone has to take care of them . My bf being their only son, he is the only one who can do it, and i know he suffers because they suffer too. My feelings are mixed but I feel like they don't care about my bf's well being as a man, as a husband, or career wise, but only as their son and how he/we can help them. I know that her husband always shouts at her because she kinda naggs him . I know that they are always drowning in bills, but still, never stop consuming . I know that they are extremely self pity . My concern is that this boy, my boyfriend, can't learn anything beneficial from them . This is the same situation I have with my mom and I just distanced myself from her .

Anyhow, I am wondering, what if they had a nephew ? They would keep smudering him even though they were sick ? They would conscientiously keep him in such a negative atmosphere ? this situation healthy ? Is it normal ? Am I a bad person for feeling like this ?

No its not normal. But your 1st bullet point grabbed it and I pretty much didn't need to read much more.
My MIL lives a 12 hour car ride from us and she still is a thorn in our lives.
My first suggestion would be to move. It does make things a bit easier. But, he must lay down the law, if he doesn't the distance won't matter.
My DH is very passive, so if she ever moves back to our state I don't know if this marriage can handle it.

Ginger commented 1 year ago

No this is not normal. I totally agree with the previous suggestion about moving farther away from them. I had a very similar situation for 25 years, and now I regret staying. It has to be your decision, but believe me this is a miserable situation to be in.

Anonymous commented 1 year ago

No, the situation is not normal. Consider trying to manipulate your bf into moving further away from them. If that doesn't work, at least get him to not pick up the phone quite as often. I think once in the evening, after you two have enjoyed an interruption-free dinner together, he could then phone his mother and catch up on her day. She can guilt him all she wants, but he needs to eventually spread his own wings. You can slowly start showing how to do some of those manly things around the house. If you want this bf to become a husband, however, you'll have to keep your complaints to a minimum until that ring is on your hand. Just being honest here.

Me commented 1 year ago

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daughters in law, don’t suffer in silence!