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Daughters in Law... don’t suffer in silence!

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Had a massive fight with in laws yesterday

I had a baby two weeks and 4 days ago. On day 4 my inlaws visited our home. They stayed for four hours, ate (basically had a party), barged into my kitchen to get stuff...whilst I stayed upstairs as in pain (with fever) due to the stiches and milk coming in. I was waiting for them to leave so I could go into my kitchen, eat properly and get on with our routine - I.e. putting our 3 year old to bed and feeding feeding the newborn.
Mother in law cleaned kitchen etc and left food for me, but I hate that as I like to manage my own house.
As I say four hours on they were still there and all I wanted was a short visit so that they could see their new grandchild and get going.
Yesterday they visited again. Mother in law asked if they can come basically said she needs to see her loved ones. Bregugingly and keeping fear of God in heart I said yes.
Well.... Guess what. Father in law barged in on me and baby whilst I was breast feeding. They have key to our house and he let himself in with our nieces and nephews and the three year old and didn't even knock on the door. I was in shock and went ballistic.
What is amazing that as I had a worst experience with my first child, I had sat mother in law down before the birth and clearly explained to her that I require my space and privacy this time round.
We had a massive fight. Father in law said sorry in a massively patronising way. Mother in law just had ago at me. Saying they are sorry but my anger was not warranted. What she didn't understand that the constant advice over the years, trying to force herself as my mother, taking over my home (cleaning), telling me how I should look after my house, my kids, my marriage, my career as well - and now this, using the emergency key when I was at home... Was/ is last straw. Still very upset about it all. That make everything's so complex ....and act like they are so nice by cooking for us and cleaning and bringing presents for the boys - when I don't want all this "niceness" just my privacy so I can rest, recover and figure out my newborn child.
Sad that I lost my temper- as they say why bang your head against the wall? Will make no difference to them- they will continue to overstep the boundaries.


Anonymous commented 2 years ago

Wait. You husband gets mad at you for demanding boundaries. AND yells at you??? You don't have an In-Law problem, you have a husband problem.

1. demand your key back.

2. It's time for 2 cards. One to a marriage counselor, another to a divorce attorney. Then let him choose which one he wants.

It's up to the child to rein in their own parents, if he can't do that, you are in serious trouble.

Meghan commented 2 years ago

Your anger was not warranted? You're on sleepless nights with a sore vagina, with people meddling in your home, a husband who isn't defending you, in laws who are thinking of themselves and not you! Your anger is definitely warranted! Tell them pain makes you snappy! Scare them off with facts. Tell them your nipples feel like someone is blowing a blowtorch behind them and your vagina feels like it has been punched then ask them if that would make them snappy! Your health comes before your MIL's desire to see her family! If they really wanted to help they would take your 3 year old out! You need to ask your mother in law firmly if anyone did this to her?! They used to keep new mothers in hospital for 2 weeks. My MIL turned up the day I was released from hospital after the midwife had said 'no visitors today just got home and settle in' when my husband told her this she hung up on him after snapping 'if you don't want us then fine!' I think MIL's fail to understand that once we are sent home from hospital it isn't because we are fighting fit and recovered?! It's because there is a greater population than in 'their day' and the beds are needed. Hospitals assume you would have the privacy to rest. They sound very ignorant and apparently she has forgotten the pain of having a baby? You don't deserve to be treated like this. Could your mum/sister or someone come and stay to 'bat the off' they might walk all over you- but if they get a firm 'the baby is sleeping, now's not a good time' from someone they aren't that familiar with they might listen. It breaks my heart that mother's of boys fail to show compassion to other women in this way. Your in laws have Empathy Deficit Disorder!

Violet commented 2 years ago

Do not go with her way. If you are weak, MiL will only be pushier. They have no sense of respect to DIL. Be tough and she will back out.

L commented 2 years ago

MILs are generally disgusting: inconsiderate, pushy, and with unreasonable sense of entitlement, shameless, no respect to boundary. Pitifully insecure, jealous of the younger women. Deep in their heart, they wish illy on their DIL. They are evil creatures and They all deserve going to hell!!

L commented 2 years ago

Hi Michelle and Opal

Unfortunately my husband doesn't say anything to his parents.
In fact over the years he has got angry with me for getting annoyed with his parents. We love each other dearly, and get along well but he goes into defensive mode.
Recently he has started to see it from my point of view, said to me that he also finds his mum difficult but will still avoid confrontation with them.
This time though he was completely on my side. Came upstairs straight away, gave me a big hug and said that his dad shouldn't have done what he did. I don't think he said anything to them,,, I had probably done all the talking.
As for the keys, they gave them back to him without us asking.
Going forward I envisage this sort of behaviour continuing (in other forms) as people don't change. I also don't think hubby will ever do the telling off, though I am hoping that after 10 years of marriage , he will stop shouting at me.
Thank you for responding to me. Made me feel sooooooooooooo much better.

Jj commented 2 years ago

First thing tomorrow change the locks and don't give them the key. They have proven they cannot be trusted. That was a terrible thing to do and they clearly don't respect you at all. I hope your dh is tasking them to task and telling them until they apologise and mean it then they should be banned from seeing you or your children. If someone 'helps' and does things despite you expressly asking them not to then they are doing it to you and not for you.

Opal commented 2 years ago

I feel for you as I know how emotional this time can be for a new mom. I have 2 under 2 and a mother in law from hell. Is your husband on your side? Mine wasn't until he recently saw his mothers true colors and that ha helped a lot.

Michelle commented 2 years ago

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