Hello
Finally, I think I have finally found a place to vent, and maybe even get some much needed advice.
To give some background, my husband and I have been together 11 years, married 4, and we have 2 young children together. I worked up until our youngest was born, about 6 months ago, but have been given the priveledge of staying home with both kids since then. My husband started a new job that provides very well for us, and allows me the luxury of not having to work. He leaves for work around 7:00 each morning, and if he decides to work over time he doesn’t get home until after 9:00 p.m. some nights.
Obviously, we don’t get to spend much time together. I look forward to the weekends just to see him, to spend some time with him. About a year ago his mother moved about 3 hours away and has been coming down to stay with us most weekends since. She usually gives us no notice, and will simply ring the doorbell late at night and let herself in. I don’t have a problem with her staying here occasionally, but I feel she is here too often, and for too long. Another big complaint is that she gives us no notice, and expects us to drop any plans we may have made. When she is here, she and my husband will often sit in his office for hours at a time, talking. I’ve tried to join them, but always feel unwelcome, so I’ve given up on that.
I’ve brought this up to my husband, but he says I’m being selfish, and he deserves time with his Mom as well. I agree he deserves some time with her, but think this is a bit much. I should also say that she is often very cold towards me, and we’ve always had a strained relationship.
I guess that covers the basics. I’d just like some outside opinions, and insight. Any input would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
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Advice
6 Responses to “Overbearing MIL–Need Advice”
Hi there,
Welcome to the community. You will get advice here for sure very soon. We have all dealt with this particular situation at one time or another and feel unsure what to do.
I’ll post later with some things you can try to do.:-)
From your story , I can’t help but wonder if your MIL was just lonely..
as you didn’t mention your FIL.Try to discuss how you feel with your husband but not in an accussing manner.If he thinks that his mother is under attack, he will surely feels that he should defend her.
Besides being a son & a father , he is a husband too.He should plan & divide his time fairly.Once you guys made a plan , stick with it and he should tell his mother that you deserve time with him as well.
If your love is strong enough , it can conquer anything…even EVIL MIL !
Wish you best of luck because I hate to see nice people suffer
You don’t have a MIL problem - you have a DH problem.
He calls you selfish because he and his mother are excluding you from the relationship IN YOUR OWN HOME? You are expected to drop everything because his mother shows up unexpectedly?
That’s terrible…
I would stop giving up my life for her. If she is sleeping over, let your DH make the bed/couch. You want to go somewhere and do something with the kids, go alone with them. (Oh, no darling, you and mummy dearest stay home - I wouldn’t DARE be so selfish as to interrupt your “mommy and me” time.) Do not clean your house for her. Do not cook special meals for her.
DH’s mommy = DH’s problem.
I hate to say it, but it will probably get worse before it gets better.
One more thing, you might want to practice detachment. If you don’t mind, it won’t matter.
- the shiksagoddess
From your story , I can’t help but wonder if your MIL was just lonely..
She is divorced from my husband’s father, and definitely lonely. I am sympathetic to this, to a point. I wouldn’t have a problem with her coming to stay if she’d give us notice. Or better yet, if I didn’t feel alienated by them when she is here. I understand that they have a close relationship, however she blurs the line of the Mother role. And my husband allows her to do this. He talks to her before making any major, or sometimes minor, decision, whether he’s spoken to me about it or not. I feel this makes my input worth less than hers, or worthless altogether.
I have talked to him about this issue, never attacking her, but letting him know how I feel. His conclusion is that I’m either too sensitive, or too selfish. I’m about at my wit’s end and this is the source of some unhappiness for me.
Thanks for your input, Jessie.
shiksagoddess
I’m leaning towards your input at the moment, as you summed up my feelings very well. I no longer go to any extra effort to make her feel comfortable in my home, but at the same time I don’t go out of my way to make her feel unwelcome. Maybe I should? LOL
Upon arrival at her last visit, around 10:00 p.m., unannounced of course, she said something along the lines of “Doesn’t look like you’ve had much time to clean lately.” And I retorted with “No, didn’t know we were having company either.” I think that came through loud and clear.
The thing is, I don’t want to do these things alone on the weekends. I want to spend time with my husband, and I feel like I deserve that. My life closely resembles that of a single mother 5 days a week. I would like to have the benefits of a husband the other two. I feel like I would be admitting defeat by surrendering that time to her. I work too hard and do too much alone to give up the benefits to someone else.
Thank you for your input. At the very least, it has confirmed that I’m not entirely crazy and selfish.
I’m totally convinced - your DH is the problem.
I’ve read your posts and I have a few comments for you;
1. You are NOT “crazy” or “selfish.” I think a well-known psychologist said “If you’ve heard the phrase ‘you’re too sensitive,’ you’ve just heard verbal abuse.”
2. I read you loud and clear when you say that you don’t want to do things alone; however, you already are alone. I’m sorry to say that when your MIL drops by unannounced and your DH drops everything and excludes you, he makes it clear who really comes first in the marriage. And it ain’t you.
3. Yes, you deserve better. So what can you do about it? You can CHOOSE to stay home, be a martyr who is held hostage by a selfish old woman, OR you can choose to make “unbreakable” plans - and stick with them whether or not the hosebeast shows up.
4. Did it ever occur to you that your DH is using you as a buffer against his mother and that is the reason why he wants you to stick around (but be in the background until he needs you)? So stop being the buffer. MIL comes over (unannounced!) at 10 p.m.? Time for you to go to bed. If your DH says “Mom is hungry,” you point him to the kitchen. If he says “Mom needs sheets for the bed/sofa,” point him to the linen closet. If he accuses you of being rude to his mommy, point out to him that his mother is being rude by just dropping by without permission. Don’t yell or scream or argue. (This is a tough one, but important.) But make it very clear that unless his and MIL’s behavior changes, this is how it will be.
5. Consider making a Saturday (or Sunday) appointment just for YOU. Then,leave the kids with HIM. It doesn’t matter what you do or where you go, just go for a couple of hours. If he’s been relying on you to deal with the kids while he dances attendance on Mommy, you need to stop facilitating that.
6. Frankly, I think marriage counseling is in order, at least to figure out why your DH puts his mother before his wife.
7. Finally, you should have clear in your mind what you want. Do you want MIL to stop coming over? Come over as much as she wants, just call first? Limit her visits to once a month? Some combination? Think about this and make a plan/goal.
Good luck.
- the shiksagoddess