I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVENT FOUND THIS SITE SOONER
by ihateHER on 07/04 @ 5:39pmFirstly I would love to say a big thank you to this site, as I now have somewhere to rant with out the danger of my friends and family turning on my MIL!!!! They’ve heard so much about her it has got to the point where i have to keep my stories quite to avoid a HUGE argument ……which is more than likely what the MIL wants.
OK let me set the scene , me and my BF are ‘childhood’ sweethearts, been together 10 years, been living together for 4.
The MIL , i think, never thought she had to be nice to me when i was just the some one who ‘looks like a boy’ (thats a direct quote from her) ….rich from some one who’s a dead ringer for Pat Butcher!, who was courting her one and only precious boy. I never really warmed to her but im sure she didnt mind.
When she realised that we where serious she tried to be my best friend only as an aid to get closer to her boy, who by the way, knows exactley what she’s like but can’t help the fact that she’s his mother. The faking a frienship didnt work (for obvious reasons, that ill list below)
It’s not what she says to me that gets to me though - i can cope with that and i realise that she is literally just jealous of me and my realationship with her son, (MIL has 3 other children but only my BF is blue eyed boy up on the pedal stool)It’s what she says about my family.
I’ll list a few comments that have come from her :-
When describing her daughters new boyfriend to me…….”God he’s ugly, he looks worse than SHREK you would not believe how ugly he is , he’s funny to look at, would you believe he’s even uglier than your brother??”
When discussing fostering children in general ( her line of work)…….
My mother:- ” i’d like to give forstering a go”
MIL :- “you’d never be able to , look how your children have turned out”
After her precious boy cheated, she brought this up randomly about 2 years later:-
“im sorry he didnt stay with her she was so pretty and such a great girl AND the rest of the family really liked her”…..apparently the rest of the family never met this girl ?!?!
And another good one was, after she went snooping in our hoouse she found a DR slip for a hormone blood test , she asked my BF in a crowded bar causing a scene if a was pregnant when he denied it (as i wasnt -
we have been TTC for over a year with no joy) she had a screaming fit saying she had a right to know if we were trying for a baby????!!!!
These are just a few things , can somebody please empathise with me or am i just being crazy hating her for this?????
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Advice
2 Responses to “I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVENT FOUND THIS SITE SOONER”
First, you are not crazy. What horrible things you are hearing. What she is saying is not only mean, it is emotionally and verbally abusive statements.
What is she saying about you, when you are not around.
Verbal assaults on you or others are unacceptable. Verbal assaults include belittling, criticizing, making fun of you in front of others, etc.
This is emotional control and abuse.
Your mil also is also demonstrating that she is emotionally abusive by being agressive in her statements. “Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling… Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.”
–http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm#Types%20of%20Emotional%20Abuse
Now, what can you do about it? What do you think about severely if not totally not spending time with your mil. This may be your best bet. Life is too short for unhealthy, harmful, abusive relationships.
It is not your job to “fix” her and it is impossible to fix a person that is “broken.” They need to recognize and do it themselves.
You are worth gold — do not allow your gold to be tarnished by a vulgar women. Good luck.
You are not crazy, I just can’t figure out why you and your BF have anything to do with her. You don’t have to have a relationship with an abuser just because she is your mother or your MIL. In fact, its a sign of a healthy psyche to get as far away from your abusers (either literally or figuratively) as you can.
I’d cut this woman out of my life. If your BF needs to see her for some reason, let him to visit on his own. Before you have children, I would see a couples counselor (one who understands the problems this kind of parent/IL can cause in a family) so you and your BF can learn to set boundaries against this woman - she will ramp up her behavior to unbelievable levels once she finds out you have conceived. IMHO, it would be a very bad idea to expose any child you have to her.