Ok, so my boyfriend have been together for three years, so technically the beast is not my MIL yet, but I honestly do not know if I will be able to deal with her lunatic antics for the rest of my life. To start off, she was always ‘nice’ to my face; but I always got a weird vibe from her as she was always whispering, gossiping and pulling people into other rooms to have ‘private’ discussions (last Christmas she pulled one of her sons into the bathroom to chat…weird). I always had this feeling that she gossiped about me; this was verified for me when my boyfriend’s brother brought his new girlfriend home to meet the family last year, and the beast decided to talk about me for a good part of the weekend; of course stories were told that were not true or twisted and the worst part was at this point, the new girlfriend and I had not met, it was almost as if the beast was trying to sway her perception of me before she had a chance to make her own. Very quickly the girlfriend and I became friends and she told me all the beast had to say about me, not only that weekend but in emails. So after asking my boyfriend what to do he suggested that I talk to his mother and try to resolve these harsh feelings. So that is exactly what we did, we had a private conversation and she admitted to talking about me and that moving forward we would brush this under the carpet, or so I thought. Last month his parents came to our house for the weekend (my boyfriend owns the house and I live there with him). A little history leading into this weekend, my boyfriend and I had been having an off week ( I think it was because I knew his mother was coming and it makes me uncomfortable) I suggested that I would leave town for the weekend, but he thought that would offend her; so I stayed and unfortunately had a chip on my shoulder. As soon as I walked in the door, she started gossiping about other family members (she actually gossips about everyone, so I know I should not take it personal) I very quickly tried to change the subject as this is not my style. Then she gave me a birthday card that said in quotations “We hope you share our son with us!” What a dumb thing to say, and I replied with a sharp jab towards my boyfriend “you can have him” (Cause at this point we really had not spoke about the week from hell we had just had). Ok, I am rambling so I am going to get to the ‘main event’. On the Saturday afternoon, she asked if she could have a nap in our bed and I said no problem of course, well doesn’t she take off her shirt and bra right in front of me and hop into our bed, I don’t say anything because I figure I would address it later with my boyfriend. Later that night, I had made comments about wanting to go to bed early, I just wanted some space and to relax in the privacy of my bedroom. Knowing this she asked my boyfriend if she could go lay in our bed for a few hours until the couch was free (she was sleeping on the couch because the spare bed hurt her back). My boyfriend said sure not knowing that I was planning on going to bed. When the beast told me she was heading up to me bed, I told her that I was planning on going to bed. At this point she had a fit, yelling, swearing, name calling, she told me that she was done with me, and how rude was I to not want to lay in bed with her? She continued to bring the whole house into the scene, and begging her husband to pack the car and leave. I did not say anything, more because I was shocked but I honestly thought that something had snapped and she was losing it and a trip to the hospital was around the corner. After she verbally and personally attacked me, I went to bed where she came into our room and blocked the door and continued to call me names. The next morning, I tried to talk to her, and she just continued to insult me and swear and act like a lunatic. After she left for the weekend, she called anyone who would listen and told her skewed side of the story, and told the family that I was not welcome in anyone’s house if she was there. She even had the audacity to tell my boyfriend he would have to choose. She claims what made her so upset was the sharp comments I made to my boyfriend throughout the weekend (which we have discussed was inappropriate, but our business). She has been sending him emails telling him that she loves him unconditionally and he should reconsider the situation he has put himself in. She alludes that he is living in hell and tells him to break up with me. At this point I don’t know what to do, I thought about sending her a letter and trying to fix things but then a big part of me wants nothing to do with her and I don’t care if we are able to get past this. What should I do? Thanks for reading my rambles.
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4 Responses to “Not sure what to do…”
wow. I would say she feels threatened by you. Her actions are almost like the pack leader dog by wanting to sleep in your bed. My MIL gossips all the time. It also isnt my style to do so and I realized after a few yrs she does gossip about everyone but it still hurts my feelings because yes, the details are always changed from the truth. I would not apologize to her because that again puts her in control. She will continue to have more fits and you will find yourself apologizing over and over. After some time has passed and an occasion comes up like her birthday, mother’s day etc, send her some flowers. See if it was just a bad weekend and can be cleared up with a small gesture. If not, good luck. MIL’s can be hell.
Wow, she is a lunatic. I agree with fallingwater - I would not apologize to that insane woman. She will feel like she can get away with it, the last thing you want is this woman controlling you.. that’s what I’m going through right now. It’s going to be hard but I would try and talk to your boyfriend about it.. ya he might protect her, but sometimes when you reach out for help, he may actually come around.. in time lol. My DH used to always protect his mother but the more I pointed out the rude remarks she’d say, it finaly sunk in.. maybe guys are in denial about their mothers, maybe a little bit embarassed or ya, they just protect but really deep down inside they know their mother is in the wrong. Your boyfriend may not want to pick sides at all but at least get him to agree that no matter what his INSANE lol mother does and says - he’s with you and he wants you so who gives a shit what she thinks. It’s hard to diffuse and shrug off what the MIL says but it’ll be so much better for the both of you. I swear they need a yoga class for women that put up with MIL’s bullshit lol.. If he starts doing what his mother says, then that is a issue.. some guys actually do what their mother commands, it’s sickening lol…. but if he wants to be with you, he should tell his mother to get over it pretty much lol. She’ll eventually come around. Dooo not give her the upper hand, don’t apologize for her childish ways.
kinda reminds me of my soon to be mil…my boyfriends had to speak to his father because hes lived with her for over 20 years he can maybe try and talk to her because he is totally on her side about everything (or else!!) but he also sees she is going overboard. But then hes so brainwashed by her he still thinks some of it my fault. so now iam in the process of learning to TRY sooooo hard to not let her affect me and avoid her unless its a family,occassions, be polite, helpful and courteous (while having a few wines to help the stress of being around her! lol)its tough because its his family and we do have to deal with them. im sure everyone who she gossips to about you and her family included knows she a bit crazy and its not your fault! just dont apoligize because you didnt do anything wrong, just have boundaries with her. i feel for you!
the best thing to do about mils is to ignore them and live your life. not only do you take the upper hand, she in time will know her place. you need to put your foot down and set her in place.
i told my husband that he needs to not stress out about his mother since we already have a very stressful life (3 small kids and all). I explained to him that his mother will never be happy. she likes to complain period! let her complain and we’ll give what we can. If she doesn’t like it, she can go back to where she cam from.
what i don’t understand is, how can your bf let his mom insult you in your own home? you sure you want to be with this guy? You really need to think this through.