DH and I have been married almost 19yrs. We have 1 child together and I have 2 from a previous marriage. MIL has issues with my being divorced since her religion doesn’t believe in divorce. She has told me that I’m going to hell because I’m divorced and that her son is too. When my father died she told me he was going to hell because he was a mason. Both my parents and siblings are now deceased and instead of saying I’m sorry for your loss she asks if they were saved and lets me know if they are going to hell or not. I am not religious and DH isn’t either although he was brought up in this religious environment. In fact when I met the family they were all at her house awaiting the rapture. (they had inside news from church that it was to occur that day) She has bad mouthed me to all my children when they were young, like how she wishes DH would have married a nice swedish girl and that I’m a sinner. I know I’m not what she would have picked as a mate for her child.
At first she seemed to accept my older children and gifted them on xmas. They were 3 and 6 when she met them. She favored my daughter more, I think because my son was rough and rowdy and had add and hyperactivity when young. She always remembered my daughters BD, but not my sons even though his BD was Halloween. DH and I had 1 child together 10 months after our marriage, their only grandchild. DH has 5 siblings, all are middle aged and single and also very religious. When my son was 15 she called on xmas eve to let us know that she didn’t get my son a gift for xmas since she decided she didn’t know him anymore since she hadn’t seen him enough the previous year (he was then living with his father and had a job). I replied we wouldn’t be there for xmas then since I wouldn’t have my son hurt like that and in his eyes they had been grandparents. This was our year to have my children for xmas and I refused to have her ruin it. The SIL’s and BIL’s supported her in this decision and it caused a huge rift for about 5yrs. typically we bring our 2 daughters over for xmas morning and then have our own celebration at home. If my kids are with us for thanksgiving then we spend it in our home. My son doesn’t feel welcome there.
We have had our ups and downs and DH just says this is the way she is. He has tried talking with her, pleading with her to just be nice and that he can’t make her change and that I should just let it go. For the most part I take it on the chin and let it go.
FIL died this past summer. I expected it and had told DH that his fathers days were short. None of the family expected it. He had congestive heart failure and was rapidly going down hill. He was also a ww2 disabled vet and had many horrible injuries to his legs due to shrapnel on omaha beach. I’ve never known my FIL to be in good health. MIL was very mean to FIL in the weeks before his death. Once FIL called crying saying she had yelled at him and left and he thought she had left him for good. She came home during the call and said everything was OK and that she had gone to the store. She complained about him all the time in front of him and said he was lazy and needed to exercise more and would also say he was getting senile. He was weak from heart failure, sometimes too weak to speak. 4 days before FIL’s death she called early in the am saying FIL had a leg brace appointment and had soiled himself. DH ran over there, cleaned him up and took them both to the appointment. Our 17y/o child went too. After the appointment DH insisted on talking FIL to emergency room since he was so weak, had bad color and generally looked awful. At this time DH was working night shift and I do as well working 12 hour nights. DH also works a great deal of mandatory overtime and our time together is limited due to our work schedules. (DH has been the families handyman for several years painting the house and fixing plumbing, cleaning gutters etc. He has also helped refinish a basement, painted a deck and helped his siblings with drywall, bathroom remodel, roofing and anything they call and ask him to do. I have a honey-do list as well, but their wants have always come first. We have argued a lot about this). We get through the funeral ok, they even asked for my son to be a pall bearer. MIL seemed to enjoy the attention and rarely showed any grief. She expressed to us she feared people would forget about her after the funeral. The day after the funeral the family insisted on getting rid of all of FIL’s things (he was a pack rat and the garage was full). This was a hardship for DH to work all night and spend everyday cleaning out garage with siblings. They would find something they wanted in there and would claim that FIL had told them he wanted them to have stuff. DH expressed that his father must not have wanted him to have anything since he hadn’t wished anything to him. DH was very hurt by this and came home with scraps of stuff. The siblings also went thru all his personal belongings in the house without DH. I always like my FIL. He was a kind and quiet man who always smiled and seemed happy to see me. He never said a mean word to me or my kids and I think he long ago gave up and relinquished all control to his wife. Dh has taken his death hard and seems to be stuck in sort of an angry/guilt phase.
MIL’s birthday was shortly after FIL’s death. DH, our daughter together and myself took her out to eat on her birthday. She then had a party for herself the following weekend. Our daughter was at a slumber party for a friend that had moved away and she hadn’t seen for a year. I bet my MIL has complained a dozen times that DD didn’t even come to her party.
DD did spend 3 nights over a weekend at her house so she wouldn’t feel alone. I picked up DD and she bursts into tears as we leave the driveway. She misses her grandfather, keeps expecting to see him in his chair and said MIL kept saying her time on earth was short and how she couldn’t wait to die and see the lord. Shortly after that MIL and SIL’s want to take DD school shopping. DD is mortified. She is overweight and isn’t comfortable going and says she’s afraid they will gossip about her to aunts and uncles and that cousins will know her size etc. This is a real fear, they gossip like crazy about family. I know things about DH cousins that would mortify them if they knew we knew and I can only guess what they have said about us. DD is also afraid they will try to get her into clothing more their style instead of the teenage stuff she wears. I tell her just go with the flow and maybe pick out a jacket or something and to just deal with it. Shopping day comes and I’m working 36 hours of night shift over the weekend, about all i can manage is to work and sleep. I wake up to banging at my door. I hobble to the door (I have arthritis) in my night gown. I spy DH asleep on the couch and notice water running in the bathroom. MIL looks pissed and asks where DD is. I reply i think she is still getting ready. MIL angrily says she is suppose to be ready at 2pm. I ask what time it is and she says 1:56. I turn around and hubby is no longer in the room (obviously trying to avoid her). I tell MIL I’ll find DH and have him bring DD over, MIL stomps off. As mil and SIL are backing out of the drive DD comes out ready to go. I find DH and tell him he needs to take her over the their house and that MIL looked pretty mad. We wait a few minutes for her to get home and DD calls MIL and says I’m sorry I wasn’t ready to go and MIL yells at her says she is mad, SIL is mad and that SIL went home saying she wasn’t going to do anything for DD ever again. DD is upset and crying. DH runs over to moms and talks to her. She claims they were suppose to go on sat and that DD canceled and rescheduled for sun at 1pm and wasn’t ready so they rescheduled for 2pm and she still wasn’t ready. He then played handyman for her fixing her new car that she broke by backing out of the garage several times with the hatch open. He ordered, paid for and installed the parts. MIL doesn’t say thanks or offer to pay and still acts pissed off. DH comes home and tells MIL’s version, DD gets upset and says none of it’s true. That SIL had called earlier in the week and asked what day and time do you want to do this and she said sunday at 2pm. Now DD is upset with all of them and doesn’t want to talk with them. She knows they are telling aunts, uncles and anyone who will listen what a horrible person she is. DH promises to talk with “the family” but never manages to get over there due to a job change, new hours (3-11 shift frequently held over to 3am)and more mandatory overtime. He works an average of 60 hours per week. We hardly see him and DD isn’t seeing much of him at all now since school has started.
BILs birthday is sept 20th and mine is the 21st. MIL throws parties for all her kids on the Sundays after their BD and this year its scheduled for my bd. They all refuse to acknowledge my birthday. MIL once told me the reason is she didn’t want to take anything away from her son’s day. He is 45 yrs old and probably the easiest to get along with and I know he could care less. DH tells mom we won’t be attending this party because it’s my BD and we are going out with our kids to celebrate. My BD comes and dh and I get into a huge argument over birthdays, his mother and everything else under the son. I cry and cancel dinner plans and go to bed crying at 8pm. I’m way depressed over it this year as I feel old and I look old and I don’t have my parents and siblings to celebrate with (I’ve had some serious illness and a serious surgery this year). The next day my kids tell me they want to reschedule and if DH doesn’t want to go or can’t then we will celebrate without him. MIL changes date of her sons party to the following Sunday (I’m sure so she can manipulate us all into being there). I tell DH he can do whatever he wants, the BD party is at 4pm and dinner with the kids is at 7:30 and he can do as he wishes, that I don’t care if he doesn’t go with us. The day comes and DH has to work overtime and tells me as he goes out the door that MIL called and is putting my name on BIL’s cake. Now im in a pickle. DD doesn’t want to go and I’m resentful of them and I don’t want to go either. I go to 6 parties a year for jerks that have never said happy birthday to me and her effort is a little late. My birthday was a week ago and not a phone call or card, so I don’t go. I sit waiting for the fallout.
THE FALLOUT: Dead FIL’s birthday is this past sunday. Dh wakes up to his mom calling and saying I can’t believe you didn’t call me for your fathers birthday. He tells her he worked an extra 12hour shift the night before and just got up. She says she expects him to visit her and that she and the siblings are going to FIL’s grave and he needs to attend. He says he isn’t up to doing that but will come to visit and what time are they going so he can plan when to go to her house. She says she doesn’t know and he says that he will come by. He goes over and no one home so he leaves a note. Monday he calls and no answer, he leaves a message. Tuesday he calls and no answer, leaves another message. Still no response. So it seems he has been kicked out of the family.
Any advice?
This post was submitted by marymary.
Loading ...
5:51 pm
Hi Needy MIL…..wow, you have been suffering for way too long. the best advice I can give you is to cut them out of your life…don’t wait for them to do it, do it yourself. If your husband still chooses to have a relationship with his family that is his choice….they are his family and no matter what you can’t change that. But YOU have a choice and your husband should respect that. And you need to respect that fact that he may still choose to have a relationship with them. They already don’t like you, they have made that plain and obvious for many years, so why do you keep putting yourself in the position to be hurt and angered by them anymore? They disrespect you, your children and your marriage. Cut them out, it’s not hard to do and who cares what they think….they are already talking about you behind your back. Don’t attend any functions, be it Xmas, Birthdays etc. Life is too short. Your family is your kid’s and husband and just because you married into this family doesn’t mean you have to associate with them. I have mother in law issues too and I make the conscious choice not to have her in my life because on the occasions that I did see her it ruined my day or my week and I came home feeling small and insignificant and why would I do that to myself? I married her son, not his family. I have also cut my brother out of my life because he didn’t respect my choices or my family and even though there are the odd occasion that I feel some regret the benefits far out weigh that and I know I have now made the right choices for me and my kid’s.
Good luck, but to me your choice is obvious.
7:50 am
omg!!!!! I feel for you, my mil is wicked but yours gives it a whole new meaning. YOu are not living your life for them, even though they might think so. That is also something that I am learning for myself right now. Hang in there.
9:43 pm
Thank God for being kicked out!
4:30 pm
Oh. My. Frakking. God!!!
I truly do not understand why in Hades you and your DH keep going back for more and more abuse from this toxic hosebeast! And you know what - you’re throwing your kids under the bus just to keep peace in the family.
It appears your children are all adults now (or close to it) and they should be able to decide who they want to spend time with. They are pretty smart to be able to see what jerks your ILs are.
By the way, I have no doubt that your name was NOT on that birthday cake, or added at the very last second. This was an attempt to manipulate you and your family into playing “happy families” with the rest of the pod people. Good for you that it didn’t work.
Your MIL is a manipulative, narcissistic, selfish b1tch who has screwed up her kids so badly there may be no saving them. At home … waiting for the rapture!? What was her excuse for it not happening? Time warp? Let me guess … everything is about her, right? Everything must be her way, right? Whomever goes against family policy (set by MIL) is punished, right? These traits are classic examples of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. There is no cure.
What I cannot believe is that just as your DH was willing to throw you under the bus, “he can’t make her change and that I should just let it go. For the most part I take it on the chin and let it go.” Then you tell your own daughter, who is frightened of and dislikes your MIL and SIL “I tell her just go with the flow and maybe pick out a jacket or something and to just deal with it.’ And yet another generation is subjected to toxic abuse.
Why should you or your daughter be subjected to this evil witch, roll belly up and take it? Your DH is treated like something you would wipe off your shoe, and to thank them he goes over and plays handyman? The working definition of crazy is to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. Are you ALL crazy?
Your DH is right about one thing: you cannot change your ILs. What you CAN change is your reaction to them. Start today amd go forward as you mean to go on the rest of your life.
You asked for advice, so here it is:
1. Cut off your MIL completely. She is too toxic to be around either you or your family. Tell your DH to stop calling her. She is trying to “punish” him because he didn’t jump when she said frog. Eventually, she will break down and call him when she needs the attention. Narcissists crave attention - it is like air to the rest of us. If not, your lives will be much more peaceful.
2. Stop trying to make your family get along with the ILs. No more shopping trips, no more sleepovers. The shopping trip was not for your daughter, you know that, right? Your ILs had their own agenda.
3. Get you and your DH into counselling to learn why you are both such doormats and what to do about it. The abuse has to stop somewhere.
Good luck - if you and your DH stay on the same page, you will come out of this a stronger person.
- the shiksagoddess
5:48 am
What Shiksa said. I feel bad for your kids.
7:44 am
I spoke too soon. She called the day after I posted this, asked if DH was home and I said no that he worked till 3am and the had to be back at work at 11am. She replied she cleaned her grill and now it wont work. I told her I would let DH know but that he wouldnt have time and perhaps another family member could help her and suggested she call her brother. Haven’t heard from her since and DH has not called her. He simply said he was done with the insanity, especially the manipulation.
I wish he would have been more stern with her when she first tested the waters in the beginning of our relationship. I did google narcissistic personality disorder and it fits her. I always said there was something wrong with her and im sure its hard to spell. Now that I’m a bit enlightened I think about poor DH growing up with that behavior, although it’s much more intense since FIL died. It does explain some of the family dynamics and why he is a person who will go to great lengths to avoid conflict. He also doesn’t show a lot in the way of emotion and then he will blow up when I least expect it. I feel badly for my kids too. The older children had more of a choice to be in contact, youngest is their only grandchild and her presence is more required. I was really fretting the coming holidays, but since DH has cut her off I’m feeling like a weight is off my shoulders.
I guess I was looking for someone to say it’s ok to evict her from my life. Thanks all. I don’t know how DH will handle this in the long run, but I’m certain that he will be trying to limit his exposure.
7:12 pm
Any advice?! other than keep your kid away from her?! Other than cut off all ties? Other than your husband is a Momma’s boy who will always be under her thumb?
If you are looking for someone to tell you its ok for you to cut them out of your life well, there you have it. Cut them out of your life, let hubby deal with them if he wants to.
10:16 pm
She continues to call. No one wants to answer, Thank goodness for caller ID. Hubby spent an evening talking with her. Told her she was mean spirited, a bully, not behaving in the christian way…she piped back with a list of complaints about me, mostly over image issues. We have a small house and we just paid it off. She thinks hubby should quit his job and we need a bigger house. She’s living in lala land i think. She also insists she did nothing wrong. She would be ok until the subject turned to our child. then she would become tearful and hangup and then call back in a few minutes. She asked to speak with DD who refused to talk with her. So MIL says she found a DS game that belongs to DD, we all think it’s convenient she finds it now as its been missing for months. Last night she had her mentally handicapped son call and leave a message for DD thanking her for something she had sent to him. You could hear MIL telling him what to say. Then she finished the message saying she loved DD. I’m done with all of them and I’ve told DH that. He can do as he wishes. DD seems to be done with them as well. MIL left a message recently that said something about she didn’t have a grandchildren anymore and that maybe she needed to spend time with her brothers grandchildren. Thats a big message that says you don’t matter, I don’t need you and you can be replaced. Too bad her other kids aren’t interested in the go forth and being fruitful thing. We discussed getting rid of the home phone and getting DH a cell for her to call. We have 4 phones on our plan with DH and I sharing one.
I feel better about things. I feel like a weight has lifted off my shoulders literally. I don’t think DD will be getting reeled back in. I’m not without having feelings for her. She lost her husband of 50 some yrs and I’m sensitive to that. I think she feels a loss over this blowup with DD, but she can’t bring herself to say anything remotely close to I’m sorry. She also told DH that she was diagnosed with glaucoma and that she is dizzy and falls down. I don’t believe a word of it and DH isn’t buying into it either.
Thanks to all of you in supporting me in this. It’s just an awful thing to write someone off like this especially in a bad time in their life.