need help to deal with family issues
by help on 07/05 @ 10:04pmMy boyfriend and I have been dating since 2.5 yrs. We know we want to get married. We have lot of fun together, the only reason for argument between us is his family. He is the only child and he wants to take care of his parents. He lives with them right now and when I get married, i will be moving in with them. But he wants to take care of his other family members (his dad brothers and their family) too. Which is fine with me, but he wants me to do the same thing. He wants me to cook everyday for 4 of us and then take care of house and if something else comes up do that too. He is very touchy on tht matter and whenever I try to talk to him about it he gets angry. We love each other a lot but what he wants from me, is not what I can give him, and he does not understand, and I dont want to lose him nor does he. I have tried to reason with him but nothing has helped. He just doesnt seem to understand as to why am i running from responsibilities. I want a happy family for just two of us and our kids and I guess I have to include his parents, but I dont know how to deal with it? Its like it wont be my house bt “our house”, so that means I dont get a say on what to do in the house and what not. I have to ask my mil for everything. I dont want that? How should I deal with it? My mil does not like me and I have come to know that very well. She thinks I have taken her son away from him which is not true as he is more for them than for me I feel. Please help.
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12 Responses to “need help to deal with family issues”
Wow…this situation is tough. I applaud you for making it too far, but the only advice I can offer is to re-think your nuptial wishes. It seems like you love him, or else you wouldn’t be considering such an arrangement; but this kind of situation will only lead to stress on your marriage, and the raising of your own family. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, and normally, I’m quite optimistic, but I have to say that in this case, you may want to tell him what you want out of the relationship and don’t back down; if he doesn’t like it, you might serve the relationship better by considering just being friends. I hope this helps, and good luck!
I am so sorry, but your boyfriend doesn’t want a wife, he wants a caretaker for his family.
You and he do not have the same goals; I would let him go.
I know it would be hard to give him up, but think about this; can you picture yourself in this life five, ten or even twenty years from now?
I didn’t think so.
Please take off the rose-colored glasses and see the situtation for what it is.
Then run! Run like a citizen of Tokyo fleeing Godzilla.
- the shiksagoddess
Don’t fall into this trap. My first husband was still living at home when I met him as well.
When he says he takes care of his family…IS HE? Or does he just use that excuse to stay home. Are there extra bedrooms for your kids when and if you have any? That is NOT the situation that you want to be in. He gets Angry when you ask or try to talk to him about it? That is NOT cool. If he cannot communicate to you without getting upset what the deal is and WHY he wants to stay there so bad and worries about that family more then YOU and the family your trying to create that is not right. If he won’t go to couples counceling to finally HEAR yourside of the story I would leave. THIS GUY WILL NEVER CHANGE!!!!
I would be running to the hills if I were you. Moving in with a mother in law that doesn’t like you has got to be one of the most stressful things in the world, especially if she considers that because you live with her, that gives her the right to ask you about anything that she likes without respecting your boundaries.
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!! I live with my husband and mother-in-law and I’m ready to get out! Don’t move in with his family i’m telling you it will be the end of your relationship, TRUST ME!!!! No privacy, they will start telling you what to do with your kids etc. It’s so stressful! He was his cake and eat it too, I know this trust me!!! You will be making the biggest and most miserable mistake of your life!! You life will be hell and trust me you will not be #1 in his life!
You already know that this is not going to work. You will find someone else to love. I’m sure you don’t want to be told to leave your relationship but you really don’t have another choice if you want to remain sane.
He will not change and you will be taking care of his entire family for the rest of your life. Where does a marrige fit in here? If you marry him and you don’t do what he wants you to the situation will go real bad, real quick. Let him stay where he is and YOU go find a REAL man, not a Mommie’s boy.
this is really bad. Maybe tell your husband that you want to include his parents in the new family BUT not too much and not too little. You want to have privacy and your own house too..I actually almost want to leave my fiance because of that…but when we finally got our own house even before our marriage and trying to get out of the parents’ claws, we’re better. I am so sorry that this happened to you. If your husband put his parents before you, that’s just not gonna work well.
Do not marry this person. Do not move in with his family. Your fiance doesn’t want a wife, he wants a free slave to take care of his family.
Get counseling, now. Find out why you would settle for this instead of the happiness you deserve with a man who wants to start his own family with you. You wouldn’t be writing if you didn’t already feel this was a big problem - don’t imagine that tying the knot is going to make things magically better or will make your fiance grow up - it never works out that way.
Red Flas are there for a reason - so you pay attention to them. Your gut is telling you something - listen to it. Love is not enough,
You are signing up to be in a lowly possition of free maid and live in care. And when all your youth and potentia are wasted in hardwork and toil for the family… What will your reward be? Its great to take care of a loving respectful family but..
My sister got engaged and moved in to live with her bf in his mom and dad’s house. Bfs older brother also lived there because he’s a bit “off” in the head. My sister slaved for these people. Cooked, cleaned, worked full time to bring in money, paid for her boyfriends bills, her bills, the whole lot. Meanwhile the future mil was telling her son to find someone “better” and more suitable. So the boyfriend went off and cheated with future mil’s sanction! And what did they offer her during the breakup? Half the money for a ticket home and instructions not to pack without future mil in attendance to make sure she didn’t steal! She ended up back at my parents house, having sacrificed for this ungrateful family. A husband is to his wife. Not to his entire family. And he doesn’t “rent her out” to anyone who needs her, he cares for her and respects her too much for that! Don’t do it!
So wait…. Am I to understand that this person wants you to care of his family? Are you a registered CNA in an assisted living facility? Because they have people for that.
You being a bride does not include catering to not only his parents but their sibs and families as well…something is wrong here.
RUN!
Cinderella, you are stuck in a fairy tale nightmare. If he choose to look after his family then it is his choice. Why are you playing little slave girl to them all, including him? If I were you I would run as fast as my little legs would take me. There is a real Prince out there for you and not this man that uses you, that is not love from his part. Good luck.
Coming from an old wise woman.. I would say that you better leave now and don’t look back. If the MIL doesn’t like you now can you imagine living in the household with four others and trying to keep sane? Sounds to me like you are a very giving person and I am sure with those attributes you will find someone who is willing to love you for you , not for the services you will provide. The guy is a selfish man. Pack your bags and consider love with someone else.