I need advice. I’m going insane.
I have a ten month old baby girl. My MIL turned on me the day that I gave birth. She began asking repeatedly when she could “have” the baby. She has never been satisfied with visits at my home or hers, and continues to ask me if she can babysit. I’m currently a stay at home mom for the next year, and I don’t need a babysitter. My MIL has a history of bipolar disorder, which she doesn’t treat, seizure disorder, and two strokes. She’s 50 years old, loud, pushy, and something isn’t right upstairs. One of her daughters is similar to her and allows her to watch her son at least 5 days a week. He’s 8 years old and sleeps in the bed with her, and rubs her arm until she goes to sleep…yuck! Her other daughter moved to TN to get away from her and no longer allows her to watch her daughter because her daughter becomes ill every time she is with my MIL while my MIL medicates her. My MIL has a history of attempted suicide for not getting what she wanted once, so the family appeases her to some degree.
To this day I have never allowed her to be in the same room alone with my baby, even if I go to the bathroom. I’ve seen her press my baby against her chest trying desperately to snuggle her while my child is trying to wriggle away.
She called me a month ago telling me that she was suicidal because she found out that her daughter in TN would no longer allow her to watch her daughter alone. I tried to have a heart to heart with her about getting her own life and taking her medication. She also told me that she needed her grandchildren to need her and to love her. She wants to be the number one grandmother and gets very angry when someone tries to compromise that. She must have thought that she made a connection with me, and began asking to babysit again.
We evacuated for hurricane Gustav and she called my husband every half hour to see where we were going because she wanted to follow and take care of the baby. We lied and told her that we were going up north with family, so she would go there, and headed to Florida instead.
Yesterday after hearing her ask me ten times in the past week to babysit, I told her that I was very uncomfortable with her medical history and I didn’t feel it to be safe. She went crazy, started hyperventilating and crying and telling me that she was more than capable of caring for my child. I told her that she was welcome to spend time with her as long as I was present. She counters, “You are planning on being there for the rest of her life when she visits me?”, “You are never going to let me be alone with her?”. I asked her why she “needed” to be alone with my child. What does she need to do with my child that I cannot be present for? It makes me sick to my stomach, knowing that someone so desperatly needs the love of my child and needs to be alone with her…it’s just sick. My husband backed me up and got on the phone with her. I heard him saying “no, that’s not remotely true, no,no,no, we want to protect our child”. It really would make me feel alot better if he would tell her to screw off and that be the end of it.
She’s famous for playing the victim and becoming “suicidal” whenever she doesn’t get her way. She has also tried to pit hubby and I against one another several times this year over not seeing the baby the second that she wanted to.
Aside from her health history, she’s very childish, pushy, and wants to have a big influence on my child, which I will not allow. My girl is ten months old and “grammy from hell” is already telling her that she needs to model her way into medical school and preaching to her about her very eccentric religion.
What do I do? I know she won’t bring this up for a while or maybe won’t call me for a while and try to work out her sneaky visits through my husband instead, but I would really like to ask her what she needs to do with my child that I can’t be present for. I will never allow this woman to watch my child….ever. She is welcome to visit her whenever she wants, but she makes plans several days in a row and doens’t show until she has nothing better to do. She just wants my child alone with her overnight.
I finally had to say something when she called yesterday and told me that she was building a new room in her house for my child!!! I’m sick to my stomach over this. Someone please give me advice. I don’t want this to come between my husband and I, but I officially hate her, and when I hate someone its very hard for me to get along with them.
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Advice
4 Responses to “Need Advice: mother-in-law insists on being alone with my child”
Is your mother in laws name Jane White? OMG This is wsa my life up until 4 years ago. Now she is taking us to court to try and get visitation. She’s a nightmare. Mine used to give my oldest daughter baths everytime I let her babysit. I would come back and my daughter who was five, would look like a teenager. She even bought her a sild camisole with a bra in it (at age 5)!!!!!! When we told her enough was enough was enough, she went thru the roof just like your! She used suicide as a threat all the time and told us we were the reason she was contemplating it because she couldn’t see the grandkids everyday and every weekend (It’s been 15 years and she’s still alive no suicide…lol)……She used to say she can’t live without our kids…..Well it’s been 4 and 1/2 years and she’s still here
Sometimes I wish she would just make good on her threats. She would make our lives, her siblings live, her ex husbands lives, so much easier!
I don’t know where you live, but in Michigan there is no such thing as “grandparent rights”. My psycho MIL is not entitled to a second with my children that I don’t approve of, and neither should yours be. You are doing the right thing by protecting your child. Your baby does not need that psycho-drama in her life, and you and your DH shouldn’t feel the least bit guilty. If your MIL commits suicide, she’ll have to answer for that wherever she goes. (If she’s anything like mine she’ll be competing with Satan for the ruler of Hell) It’s NOT your responsibility. People like her use that as a control mechanism. Next time she threatens suicide just say “So do it, already”, and see what happens.
What a sad and frightening situation. Because of your MILs obvious mental illness, she will never be able to realize SHE is the problem, so you have no other choice but to be firm and stand your ground - NO ALONE VISITS! Talking “sense” and logic to her are out of the question. Don’t waste your time.
If she threatens suicide, perhaps you could say something like, “I am sorry to hear you talk like that, we love you and don’t want anything bad to happen to you, but we must do what we feel is right for our child.”
And you must set some boundaries. She should not be filling any grandchild’s head with talk of any religion that is not of your choosing. I am a Catholic and my son and his wife are borderline atheists. I would never disrespect them so much by filling my grandson’s head with Catholic doctrine. When he is older, if he asks me questions about my faith, I will answer them; I think my son and his wife would understand that.
Good luck to you, dear; you certainly need it.
You are 100% right. First, tell your Dh that you appreciate him backing you. Then make him promise you that he will NEVER sneak around with his mom and let her be alone with your angel…explain to him that it is very possible that something could go wrong, and you could never forgive him for betraying you. That should be the end of that. Then, get to work on slowly pushing her out of your life. Look up a counselor in the area for her, and give her the information next time she threatens suicide. Slowly wean down the number of phone calls you answer in a day, then a week. Limit the amount of time you spend on the phone with her. Don’t even spend much time talking ABOUT her to hubby. That wears them down after a while. Don’t let her steal your good times with your little one. I bet she’s doing something cute right now. Don’t miss it because you are all wrapped up worrying about this nutcase. It’s not even open for discussion anymore. You’ve made up your mind. Next topic, please! If she keeps talking about it, tell her you have to go. Late for an appointment. Do that to her every time she says/does something crazy. She will learn eventually. Be strong. You don’t have the option of being weak or worrying about being kind to her. You are a mother now, and you only care about what’s best for your defenseless little one. End of story. Satan can go back to running hell.