Please help! Every year my mother-in-law has Christmas at her house. She and FIL live 20 minutes away and both my parents are dead. We are expected there every year without fail, along with husband’s sister and her kids. The one year in 15 years of marriage that we skipped, was the year my mother was dying of cancer, and my MIL was STILL furious and tried to put us on all kinds of guilt trips for missing the holiday with her. I have resented her for this ever since.
The problems are (1) I wouldn’t mind going every year so much if it was understood that it was optional and not a requirement, and (2) I can’t stand my SIL and her kids. My kids don’t even like her kids. I have tried to talk to her about getting her kids to not be rude to us, but she is one of those people who refuses to discipline her kids.
So, I have decided I don’t want to put myself through this anymore. My husband says it will start a war and our kids will be disappointed. This is probably true, since we have gone to the in-laws’ every year and they get the kids TONS of gifts. But I feel I have rights here, too, and that I should not have to spend Christmas with SIL and family anymore if I don’t want to.
I want to just invite MIL and FIL over for Christmas, but not SIL and family. Of course MIL and FIL will be upset, and may decline, but what else can I do? Please, please, does anyone have any suggestions?
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7 Responses to “Mother in law at Christmas”
Hi
I sympathise with you. I put my foot down from day 1 of our marriage when it comes to xmas. I have had 10 years of hell from my MIL so i don’t want to have to take it on the best day of the year. My husband and I and our little girl always spend time on our own xmas day and see and delivery presents beforehand.
I understand it will cause alot of trouble, so why don’t you suggest going for a drink in the evening or going round for breakfast for the morning, that way you will be able to spend the most part of xmas happy with your family and not with people who you don’t want to see.
Mind you they probably still wont be happy because MIL’s never are and of course it will be all your fault, but i think for a happy xmas, compromise and let your husband tell her that you would like to have dinner at yours this year but would like to spend part of the day with them.
Good luck, i hope the day goes alright, i don’t think it’s right that you are miserable on xmas day and really feel for you.
i was just thinking of EXACTLY that same thing for myself and my situation. although my sil doesn’t have any kids yet, she is a big brat herself. like you said, without fail, they expect us to be at the mil house for christmas. for me, it’s worse at christmas because that is mil birthday!!! i might change up the plan this year as well and just invite them up here. last year sil moved into a new house and we had it up at her house, but mil didn’t like it. oh by the way, i live next door to mine. good luck!!!
Wow, this is exactly what is happening with my MIL. She expects us there every year, and when we don’t come (because my parents are divorced), she lays the guilt trip on us. The best advice I can give is to STICK TO YOUR GUNS. Invite them for Christmas, and when she asks if your SIL is coming, you tell her that you just wanted it to be a small event. She may not want to come then, but if that is the case, then, you have to stick to your guns and NOT go to her house that day. Showing, not telling, is what gets through to these types of people. Trust me. Good luck!!
I have been married for a long time. I have had the same problem until I decided that this was not going to happen anymore. I have five children and a family that I would like to see during the holidays. Years ago I started having a Christmas Eve party for both families. WE exchange gifts, have food, play games and enjoy the day. Who ever shows up has a good time. THe day of Christmas is strictly for my five children and their families and I do not require them to be there. I respect them for how ever long they can show up if they show up at all. But as for my MIL She does not rule in my house. Put your families traditions first!! Or at least start making family traditions.
Unless your DH has your back on this, you have a DH problem as well as a MIL problem.
Make your decision. Stick to your guns. Turn off the phones. And for once, enjoy your Christmas.
- the shiksagoddess
While I hear your pain, you might want to remember that family is family. Although SILs can be hell they are our husband’s sisters too. Gotta take the good with the bad…
I am in the same boat. My MIL demands that we be there every Christmas Eve. We have small children that need to be home to get into bed, out cookies out for Santa etc. And we like to go to our church. So now we go earlier and leave before dinner. Then get a guilt trip. Did she haul her kids over an hour away when her kids were young? Not a chance. Her other kids are younger and aren’t speaking up yet. I am hoping this charade does not go on for too many years. My own mother wants us to stay home and make our own traditions. But MIL will not allow us to!