Mother-in-law Hell

The only way to stop this is by putting your foot down and you might end up doing it alone. If she takes your son to places you say not too, then tell her and simply say “If you cant respect my wishes then you will no longer be able to take my son.” This will start a war but this is YOUR child and there is nothing wrong with wanting to take him places first. This is how traditions will be made with your child. This reminds me of my SIL. But it involves her mother. My SIL said she wanted to be the one that took her kids to Disney World. Her mother took the kids anyway. My SIL didnt let her mother see her kids for a couple of months. That cured the problem, her mother always asks permission now.

From just this story, I would just advise you to take a breather. If your MIL was to take him to Disney World without you, yes…all hell should break loose…but the doctor? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the MIL having a little freedom. You pick the days that you let her have him right? And if they are few and far between and she happens to have a 20 minute Dr. appt, I can see why she would still watch him and not say that she couldn’t watch him…she wouldn’t know when you would let her watch him again. Take a breath and loosen the reigns. You can’t expect her to stay home with him all day and just stare at him. And as far as the drug rehab place, I don’t see your point there either. Her “other son” is your child’s uncle. I’m sorry that he’s in rehab, but if he is, he may be trying to get better, and maybe seeing his nephew and seeing some normal life may help him. Your toddler doesn’t know what the place is and will never remember it…and i’m sure its set up as a comfortable environment.

There is definitely a time to stand your ground sometimes. You will find if you loosen up though, that it may make you feel better, and her feel better, and it may improve the relationship.

Fed Up- I have to kindly disagree regarding the drug rehab. I understand why MIM would not want this. I say this because my best friend is a social worker and works in a drug rehab. On many occasions her clients come in with DT’s and some are mentally unstable. One man took off all his clothes and had a complete mental breakdown right in the waiting room. He came violent throwing the waiting room chairs. They had to restrain the man and call the police. Its not an environment for a young child. I understand your point about giving the MIL some freedom but I think the issue might be too much freedom. Maybe MIM can clarify more in detail about other situations that come up.

My MIL has too much freedom with my son, I have tried to put my foot down and set some ground rules but I usually end up getting treated like the bad guy because of it. My MIL just thinks she should be allowed to do whatever she wants with my son because he is her first grandson. The situaion with the doctor appointment wasn’t so bad, but she knew ahead of time she was spending the day with my son and my BF was off work that day so she could have drop my son off at home and then went to the dr appt, but she choose not to. As for the drug rehab, I don’t have a problem with my son seeing his uncle I just don’t feel it is appropriate for my son to be exposed to other drug addicts who he or I do not know. I think my MIL thinks because she allowed her MIL and other family members to spend time (more like babysit) her children all the time that I should do the same. My MIL also tends to bring him home later than I ask, takes him with her to run errands, and doesn’t give him a nap on the days she is with him. My MIL is retired and insists on spending at least one day a week with my son, which is fine but I would just prefer that she stick to kid friendly places like the zoo, park, or other places for kids. I would just prefer to be told or asked first before she does certains things with my son. It makes me less anxious about it.

With your example about a drug rehab…I totally agree. I haven’t been to a drug rehab that was like that, I’ve only visited one, but there was a special room for visitors and it was a very controlled environment. I guess it depends on the rehab facility.

I worked in a drug rehab center. NOT a place for a toddler, or any child. Uncle needs to have motivation for getting sober, but that is not your responsibility or that of your toddler son. He can see your son via pictures and when he comes home, clean. For the sake of germs and things like that I somewhat see your point on the doctors visit.

I would lay some ground rules, but unless she is a crazy woman, your son will adore the time spent with his grandmother. Life is too short and I adored the relationship with mine. My kids don’t have grandparents and they really miss out, I feel.

Set down and have a talk with her about how often your son goes, where he goes, etc. You are his mother and you do have the right to say no. Explain to her about how you want to experience some things first with him and maybe you guys could go together. Explain how she should ask and why.

When your son gets older and you need her to watch him for you for an errand, doctors appt yourself, a date night, etc. you want her to be there to help you, wouldn’t you? You would also want him to feel comfortable with her and staying with her. So, I would surely let them have a relationship, just set limits. I understand about seeing his firsts etc. That is understandable. You are his mother and just want him protected and safe, so try and relax.

You are the mother. Your mother-in-law should not be taking your son ANYWHERE if she doesn’t check with you and get your approval first. I don’t care if it’s the drugstore. Give women like this an inch and they’ll demand a mile. And no, you’re not selfish.

i totally agree with so very done. it’s not o.k. to take your child anywhere without your permission. i also would not let her babysit anymore. if you are worried and don’t trust the person taking care of your child, don’t do it. you have a maternal instinct for a reason. good luck!

I also agree that if this woman can’t respect your wishes and is trying to steal your mommy moments and firsts by taking your son to places you want to take him, then she should not be allowed to watch your son. She should be able to still have supervised access to him, but any sane grandparent should be able to enjoy the company of their grandchild without having to drag them all over tarnation.

Fed up - you are off your rocker if you think a drug rehab facility is an appropriate place for a child. Many criminals and unsurly individuals reside there, and who’s to say that the uncle can be trusted? Just because he is a relative doesn’t mean he is a safe person to be around.

The doctor thing is also overstepping. Any parent knows that the doctor’s waiting room is germ heaven and you shouldn’t bring kids there unless they are sick and need to see a doctor. If grandma has to reschedule a visit because she has a doctors appointment then that is what a responsible, caring grandparent would do.

Personally, I would tell MIL that she can visit with your son at your home but she isn’t to be taking him anywhere anymore. You don’t owe her any explanation so when she argues with you just say that you are more comfortable with her visiting him at your house. If she can’t enjoy her grandson in the presence of his mother than she is nutjob looking to play mommy. Plus, it isn’t until kids are older that they remember outings with grandma and grandpa so I really don’t understand why she needs to bring him anywhere when he is this young.