Mother-in-law Hell

Deanna - I’m 5 years into a crazy, unstable MIL who comes and goes from our life depending on her mood and other factors. If you could do things over again, what would you have changed? What would you have said/done differently - realistically? I’d like to do some things early rather than be regretful in 20 years and could use all the advice anyone has.

You did great because it is better to do things late than never. I know what you mean that you are angry at yourself for not standing up to her earlier and letting her bash you. I always get mad when I do not stand up for myself. I feel the same way you do towards your MIL, I just wish they did not exist. MOM of 2- my MIl does the same thing but I am going to tell my DH that she has walked away for the last time. Next time she tries to come back she is going to get the cold shoulder. My family will not be on her schedule, she needs us more than we need her.

To mom of 2:
What I would have done differently is:
When she over stepped her bounds I would have told her it was none her place to get in the middle of my husband and mines marriage.
When she made diggs at me in front of the entire family at xmas etc…I would have ask her if she had a problem in front of them instead of just sitting there silently taking it.
I would have taken my children to her house much less, because she did have an impact on them.
I would have spoke up instead of being quiet…that is it in a nutshell…I was afraid to make things worse…but as it turned out…it couldnt have turned out any worse. The day we stopped going over there was the day she told my two oldest who were both teenagers…”I dont know how you kids can stand your mom.” She really didnt believe she had any bounds because I didnt stand up for myself, my husband didnt stand up for me either. But once I did…my husband remarked. “I believe you’ve taught her her lesson.”

I have also been married for 21 years and yesterday I walked out of my abusive ML’s house when she started hurling insults at me and my husband. She has always been a witch, but she overstepped her boundaries when she started getting nasty about our financial situation and how we should have done things differently (my husband lost his job after 9/11, we lost our home, our cars, etc). Unfortunately, we had to borrow money from her at one point. She said ” I have been screwed by you guys” and other horrible things. I told her that we would pay her the $2000 that we owed her and walked out yelling. She has seen me for the last time and my children. I do think that this was the last straw for my husband, but we’ll see. We had to go to her apartment to drop something off (which is how this started) and he warned me that she had a lot of anger towards us. I went in like a fool and that’s when it all started.

My advice is to stay away from an abusive ML and keep your children away as well. Your husband will have to deal with it the best way possible, but after 20+ years, you have the right to protect yourself and your kids!

I cannot believe how similar all of our experiences are… It is absolutely mind-boggling…. There need to be more studies done to determine what sort of mental illness all of these MILs are suffering from!

Thanks Deanna. I’ve decided since my MIL is making moves to try and come back into our lives, things will be different this time. I’m not going to save my anger up and vent to my friends. When something happens, I am not going to take it, and will (tactfully) tell her why what she did or said is not acceptable. What have I got to lose? We lose contact with her for months or years for a time. It’s not like she even knows her grandkids. You know what, she needs our family (minus me!) a heck of a lot more than we need her, so she needs to act decent and not like a gossipy jealous snit if she wants to make peace with all of us.

What is it with MIL’s being jealous of their son marrying someone decent and nice? Are they that insecure they turn all that hate of themselves on us? Because I have NEVER in my life had a problem with another mom or sister of a boyfriend until I got married. Neither one could let my husband go and it has been a HUGE relief to him to have them out of our lives.

ADVICE NEEDED, any of you MIL’s or DIL’s, if you have reconciled with your family - what made it work, what did you do, how did you change communication, etc.? (because I feel we have a long road ahead if things don’t change this time around)

Mom of 2
I really hope it works out well for you and she responds to the things you say to her. To be sure it will give her something to think about. I do know my husband tried talking to his mom a couple of times but she wasn’t having any “talk” it was just what she thought…and that was it. Alot of people will respond when you lay it on the line…so good luck!
I wondered if jealousy didn’t have some play in her mind because she used to make alot of comments like: well my husband never did that for me, or my husband always took all the money etc…it was apparent that my husband did not operate the way his father had. She didn’t even want me to have a checkbook which blew my mind. One time I loaned her 20 dollars when her and I had gone shopping and when my husband and I went over there…she said to my husband…oh I owe you 20 dollars and she handed it straight to him…he hadn’t even been with when I loaned it to her. She is a flaky nut.

Oh my Deanna, I think our MIL’s could have been sisters, but mine doesn’t have one so oh well. We’ve tried to calmly and rationally speak with her in the past about issues, but she acts crazy and gets almost hyper and totally unreasonable. I think she’d benefit from therapy but I’d never suggest it.

I think you’re right, she is totally jealous, my first clue was when my husband invited her to help pick out my wedding ring. All through it, she said things like “well your father didn’t buy me such a nice ring” and negative stuff like that - which totally annoyed my husband b/c he worked hard and saved for a nice ring. After we got engaged, and chose where to honeymoon, out came the comments again - “I didn’t get to go somewhere so nice.” We saved and pay all of our bills on time, and don’t have debt, so she has nothing to complain about.

In the end, I think she saw what a devoted, good husband and father he was, and was jealous her husband had not been the same. She was quite isolated being a stay at home mom with few friends, and I have several. So, I became the evil one to be jealous of. Don’t you think a healthy woman would have been proud of the fact she raised such a good son? I’m telling you, you all have to read “Toxic In Laws” - great book on the topic.

P.S. My husband doesn’t seem receptive to her attempt to contact us. I think he’s had enough. Maybe she wouldn’t have been so awful if she knew it meant she would lose her son and grandchildren in the process. I’ve offered to him to try and get them to visit with the kids, but he said in the past he is DONE with them.

I agree with a lot of these comments and it sounds like a lot of common stories. I too refuse to visist my MIL, I have taken enough over 18 years. Sarcasim, excuses, and guilt trips, leaving visits with her was so strainful on any issue of his mother. My issue is my kids…. I don’t think I should go out of my way to keep a relationship between her and my kids when she can’t treat me descently. I don’t think it sets a good example for them to see there mother being treated badly, by there grandmother. And I don’t think my husband is setting a good example especially for our sons by looking the other way and making excuses for her. I cannot keep going and “being the better person” as so many people say to do….I really feel that just because she is the mother to my husband and grandmother to my children that does not give her a free pass to be a witch! I honestly feel that it is better to stay away, they do need us more then we need them, and we don’t deserve to be treated this way!