So for the past six years, my mil has given me the impression she was raised in Hell and still frequents there. Prior to my wife and I even dating, she proceeded to tell me that I was not what she had in mind for her daughter and that I would never be. She backed that up with I couldn’t provide for her in any respect. Simply put, this isn’t true.
I have provided nice cars, a home, and everything else you could ask for. Still, I am not good enough. Of course she tells everyone she is trying her darnedness but I don’t see it. When we bought our home a few months ago, she started telling people we would foreclose on it and that we needed prayer. Before we got married, she started telling friends and family that I may be dead before the wedding. Who does that?!!
Anyway, I’ve talked with my wife about sitting down with her mother and bringing some of these topics to the table, but she doesn’t think it will do any good. My wife has shared her fair share of abuse driven out by her mother, but doesn’t want to lose her over this. I say it’s time to move on and get this over with so we can live a happy life again. Help!! This causes great strain between my wife and I…
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Advice
7 Responses to “Man needs advice”
I think I’ve missed something. What exactly does the MIL provide for your wife? Your wife must be getting some pay out from the relationship or she has just been so brainwashed into guilt and feeling like she MUST stand by that nut job. Have a sincere conversation with your wife… ask her what she gains by you (and her) enduring this abuse and psychotic behaviour. Also, explain that when YOU are disrespected by MIL in the community, she is also debased. You may also want to remind her that she was not created to be an object of abuse/insult from her mother.
In this case, living well is the best revenge. And the more your MIL sees what bothers you, the more she will focus her attention in those areas. When you hear about the stuff she has said about you, simply laugh politely and reply, “Bless her soul, she is a few cards short of a full deck, isn’t she? I feel so sorry for her.” That will get right on back to her for sure. Not caring about what she says/does is the only way to fight against her evil tactics.
I agree with disrespectful dil, your bringing it to a head will not help those kind of people just explode and say it’s you and they are pure as the driven snow. Your being happy and successful will speak for itself.
I also agree with disrespectful dil. The best thing you can both do is to disconnect from her completely. Don’t give in to her and ignore her craziness. Most importantly, keep your kids away from her!!! People like your MIL use their grandchildren to drive a wedge between people and thats just cruel and abusive.
I agree, if you explode you just give her fuel for the fire. I really think your wife needs to support you on this and get involved as well. Obviously you MIL has a huge problem with you. Unless her daughter puts her foot down, gets your back and lets her mother know that you are a team and that if she offends you, she offends you both. After all, she chose you as her husband, so when her mother puts you down, she is also putting her daughter’s choices down. Maybe if she realizes she could lose you BOTH, she’ll think twice.
She’s probably trying to drive you into being harsh with her, so she can play the victim. Anytime you say anything to her, be sure your wife is present. Try and get your wife to do the talking. Sometimes you have to use some reverse psychology or manipulation. The next time MIL says something mean about you, just look very depressed around your wife. Don’t say anything. Keep up the dapressed act, and drop lines about how your friends have great relationships with their in-laws. Soon enough, she will feel compelled to defend her husband who no longer defends himself. These growling old badgers (MIL’s) have learned long ago that playing the senile old victim means that thet get away with murder. She’s trying to goad you into giving her more ammunition. To your MIL, you have to appear to be a closed unit. But to your wife, you have to be a sweet guy who doesn’t stand up for himself.
I too am a man with the same problem. My mother in law drives my wife and I crazy - it’s almost like she can’t stand our happiness or can’t accept the fact that I’m a good husband and wonderful father to her grandchildren. She has a history of problems and failed marriages - it seems as if she either dislikes men completely, or is jealous of the fact that her own daughter has found success where she failed. She lives a very materialistic life where appearances are everything - my wife and I are the total opposite - simple, easy-going and most of all happy. She is obsessed with pointing out what she sees as negative and constantly puts us down. When she comes to visit, she storms in with a trunk load of groceries, household necessities and things for the kids - she immediately starts cleaning and doing laundry and such. Basically treating us like we’re helpless - it’s very sad. Trying to broach the subject with her is almost impossible - she immediately will go on the offensive and the situation will become very confrontational - it’s almost like she likes drama as well. Unfortunately we have mad a couple of mistakes recently by accepting her help due to the economy and the housing crisis - we basically got in over our heads in a house we couldn’t afford, but that is over now and we’re fine, but she continues to treat us like she rules our household. She will tell my wife what to cook for dinner, she will notice we’re no longer using the dishwasher detergent she purchased and have bought our own by saying, “wow, you went through all the stuff I bought.” What to do? How to break free without creating conflict?