Through several years of suffering, with no help from my husband, I finally had to divorce my in-laws. I love my husband dearly, but I don’t understand why he CHOOSES to look the other way when it concerns his parents. We have two beautiful girls who do well in school (both top of their class), happy, healthy, and make friends easily. My house is very clean, tidy, and organized. I cook healthy meals regularly. My kids are in after school activities and really enjoy playing outside and reading books. I work very hard to provide a happy, balanced life for my girls. I work outside the home a 3-4 hours a day while they are in school. I was raised by a single mother who worked full time. There was never enough money or time with mom and we were frequently left to fend for ourselves. Looking back, I realize she did the best she could. But I have dedicated my life to making sure my kids want for nothing.
Our lifestyle is frequently attacked my my mother-in-law. She lives in a very small town and has all her life. Her way of seeing things is the ONLY way in her mind. Personally, I believe she has no life experience and is VERY immature. I stoically listen to her “concerns” about the way my husband and I choose to do things, but at the end of the day, they are OUR children and will be raised the way WE see fit.
My husband and I do not believe in spanking and we have asked our in-laws to respect that. They do not. We try to limit the sugar they intake. They ignore our requests and feed them sugar from morning till night when they stay over at grandma and grandpa’s. Their house and filthy and I have mentioned that on a one night sleepover they don’t require a bath. Their tub is black and filthy. They ignore me and my babies come back with rashes. I ask they they don’t take them around family member that smoke and that is also ignored. She rolls her eyes when I ask her to use a car seat. When they use terms such fag or racist remarks, I have to explain to my kids that we don’t use words like that and it is NEVER okay to talk that way about people. It is hateful and ugly to use words like that. I have to explain this to them frequently.
I want my kids to enjoy their grandparents, but I am VERY concerned with their care and influence. They do not respect me and my husband makes up excuses for them. “Oh, their just from a different generation”. Well, I don’t believe that load of bull. They are just mean, disrespectful, hateful, lazy people.
I don’t understand why my husband thinks this is okay. We share the same values for raising our kids. Is he really stuck in the middle of this?
Im also guilty of not taking my kids to church. Well, I’ve grown up in the church and these people are no better than non-church goers. They are just more judgemental. I don’t want my kids “looking down” on other people. We are all here to help each other, not look down on people because of the kind of car they drive or clothes they wear or church they attend or not attend. That is just all window dressing and I would like my kids to look beyond the superficial and find the real person.
When my in-laws visit, they bring their own food and cook it here. They aren’t heath nuts, they are just RUDE!!! They won’t eat my cooking for this reason or another. I am a good cook and take pride in fixing meals for my family. This hurts my feelings. My husband just silently eats his mother’s cooking.
My father-in-law takes control of the t.v. and we all watch what he wants to. This amounts to football or deer hunting. I’m not too exciting about my girls watching men kill animals, but he doesn’t care. I have since “locked” out the outdoor channel from our remote….teehee.
We also don’t drive a fancy enough car for them. Well, we would prefer to save our money for college for the kids. Something they think could wait for later. WHATEVER!
They have offered to take control of our finances. This is no joke. They have threatened to take my husband’s info and channel his money into an account they can control. WTF? This actually drew a response from him. HOORAY. I don’t think he realizes how screwed up they are.
I have had to leave our home when they come and visit, which they insist on doing once a month whether it is convenient for us or not. I don’t visit their house when my husband takes the girls down to visit.
Is my husband stepping up to the plate enough? I don’t think so. I know in his heart, he feels the influence isn’t healthy, but he can’t stand up for me or to them. I’ve become “bitch” they “tolerate”. I’d be very happy to hear opinions or advice.
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Advice
7 Responses to “Just Had to Divorce HER!!!”
Dear Sherry . . Here’s my advice, you can take it or leave it. First of all, you sound like a perfectionist. And I hate to tell you this, but it’s hard to please a perfectionist. In some areas that you’ve mentioned, I think you need to lighten up. Let’s start at the beginning - okay, your first complaint is that your in-laws do not respect your form of discipline (no spanking). You didn’t mention it, but I sincerely hope that they don’t spank your children, do they? As far as limiting sugar, yeah you’re a great mom, but grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandchildren. A little sugar won’t kill the kids. Moving on, now is the house really that dirty that your kids come home with rashes? If that’s the case, the kids shouldn’t be staying over there in the first place, or are you just being a little too picky? They’re your husbands parents, right? Can’t he go over occasionally and assist with a little cleaning? As far as the smoking goes, teach your children to distance themselves from anyone who is smoking. Now when it comes to the car seat, we’re talking about breaking the law, and that’s just not acceptable. Again, you need to “gently” insist that your husband get involved with his parents and require them to use the car seat or they will not be able to transport the children. As far as improper language, children are going to hear that everywhere - family, neighbors, movies, friends, and relatives. So if you continue to do your job and teach them what’s right and what’s wrong, that will not be a problem. Next, you can’t understand why your husband is okay with all of this. Well first of all, I’m guessing that he loves his parents very much! I would imagine that you are causing him a lot of stress over this whole situation, and if you don’t lighten up, your relationship with him could suffer greatly. Now, let’s talk about church. You appear to be so dedicated to these children and devote your life to raising them properly, but yet you’re not taking them to a good church? Bringing up kids in this day and age is very difficult, and parents need all the help they can get. A good local church will help you instill these important values in your children, and might even help strengthen the relationship between you and your husband. It will hopefully assist your children in making the right friends. But most importantly, it will develop their relationship with God. Now let’s talk about your in-laws bringing their own food. I’m just going to guess that you’re a very health conscious cook, and they are probably more from the old meat and potatoes school of cooking. And your husband also appears to enjoy their style of cooking. Why don’t you try making something you think they’ll enjoy and see how that goes over? Have your husband call them ahead of time and tell them you are making fried chicken and mashed potatoes just for them, and there is no need to bring food. Okay, the television. I happen to like football myself. Is one day of football once in awhile really that bad? Do you have other televisions in your home that maybe those who don’t want to watch football can view? On the car issue, what car you drive, that’s really no one’s business but your own. Sometimes we just need to overlook remarks that we don’t agree with. And many times older people can become cranky and not always say the nicest things. On the finances, again, not their business and I’m proud of your husband that he did put his foot down on that matter. Okay, so in summary, try to lighten up. Try to give a little. You might be surprised what happens. Try to relax. Don’t leave your home when the in-laws come - that’s ridiculous. Seek out a good community church - it will do the whole family a world of good. And pray Sherry. You need to be talking over your concerns with God and seeking his direction instead of seeking mine and the other people who might be visiting this website. God Bless You and Best Wishes!
Hi,
I’m not a married women, but I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 6 years now and my Future MIL had given me some problems, at first she liked me then she didn’t b/c she thought I was a big spender. Like that was any of her business what I buy with my own money and it was just on cosmetics and clothes nothing compares to her other future daughter in laws with a $500 cellphones and $3500 laptop, all the electronics stuff that they got from her other sons but those things are not noticeable! Anyways, then she became nasty and started making me look bad infront of my boyfriend and it worked! Just little things like I take too long to get ready (I went with his family for a vacation one time, in one hotel room with 6 ladies in it and only 2 beds and one washroom, how can anyone even get ready on time?) And other nasty things MIL would say to our man to make us look bad and untrue things about us. Sadly, these men will believe what their mommy tells them until proven innocence.
So during this difficult time, my boyfriend was acting different towards me. At first, he wasn’t on my side and he developed this attitude towards me, then he wouldn’t stand up for me when things started going out of hands with his mom. This is when I finally gave him this “talk.” It’s either me or her basically. I know it’s easy to said then done especially since I’m not married to him yet and can use this against him and that’s what I did. I was planning to pack my bags and leave but before I did, I wanted to prove my innocence and to do so, you have to be nastier then his MOM! Afterall, she was the one who declare W.A.R.
IT was also luck, I caught her red-handed talking about me behind my back to her own mom aka my BF’s grandma… yeah how mature is she. And so this was what I used against my future MIL. Men hates to see women cry and that’s what I did, I played the part of a helpless, hurt and cannot take anymore of this until he put a stop to it. As i reminded him that he’s my man and it’s his job to stand by me and protect ME.
My BF was actually very disappointed in his mother for causing more trouble and so he STOOD UP for me and told her to back off or she’ll never see him again. It worked like a charm. ~_~
First of all, you have a husband problem and an IL problem. Your husband should be standing up for you, not allowing his parents to disrespect you and your values, or do things that are harmful to your children. Obviously, he is unwilling to do this because he is more afraid of his mommy than he is of you.
Use your woman power. You make him more afraid of the consequences of living with you when the IL misbehave. You warm his bed at night, your family (you and your girls) should always come first before mommy and daddy. He is a grown man and it is time he acts like it. What rubbish! He eats his mother’s cooking instead of yours? That is a slap in the face if I ever saw one. There is no middle. He should be on your side, that is what happens when you get married.
You also need to grow a spine. These are your children. Why are you allowing them to be around people that are disrespectful of you and harmful to them? Racism and a filthy house is harming your kids. Would you allow perfect strangers to treat your kids this way? If the answer is NO then you shouldn’t allow your inlaws to do it either! You need to put your foot down and allow supervised visits or none at all.
Also, who says you have to let them in when they invite themselves to your house? This is your house, and you do not have to accomodate unwanted guests. If they show up at a bad time, point them to the nearest motel. If your husband insists they stay, you take the girls and go treat yourself to a stay at a hotel or something, or be so busy that you cannot entertain them and leave that up to your husband to do. Personally, my inlaws are bad, my MIL is passive aggressive and drives me up the wall but she isn’t harmful and I’ve learned to cope with her by denying her access to my kids if she gets too nasty.
Looks like it is time for you to instill a short cut off until they stop undermining your parenting and are respectful of your time and boundaries. I think you should also seek marriage counseling with someone that specializes in IL trouble. Your husband needs help to see that his parents are negatively effecting his marriage and it is time he stands up to their behavior.
Wow. The word that came to mind at first was “boundaries”. There aren’t any in your family. Please see a marriage counselor. Your in-laws are a nightmare, but you and your husband need to draw the lines. For God’s sake, do not send your children over there unsupervised by you!! This is your life and your kids. What is your vision for them? Sometimes relatives are not going to further your goals and may actively work against them. Stand up for yourself. Limit contact. And don’t start blubbering about how the grandparents are supposed to be involved. This is an unrealistic ideal for at least half the population.
If I seem waspy, it is because I’m tired of adults acting like overgrown children who provide no family leadership. Find a vision for your family that inspires you and commit to it. YOUR IN-LAWS WILL NOT HELP YOU!!
I really hope you don’t take “Myla’s” advice. She sounds like a MIL herself, that obviously wants you to continue being a doormat for your in-laws. You don’t need to lighten up, you need to toughen up. Letting people walk all over you and playing nice hasn’t gotten you anywhere all these years. Do you really think more of the same will help?
Nobody should be interfering in the way you raise your children, nobody should be inviting themselves over to your house when it isn’t convenient for you. Nobody should be so rude that they come for dinner but refuse to eat your cooking. Nobody should be making passive aggressive attacks against you and hurting your feelings. Nobody should be sitting you down and treating you like you are a five year old when you are a grown woman and can handle your own finances, and have your own set of parenting values.
It’s great that your hubs loves his parents, but his first love should be you and the children you have together. Everything else is secondary.
Carmen is right. Time to set boundaries against these people, visit a marriage counselor and protect your kids from these people. Just because they are biologically grandparents doesn’t mean they are good grandparents. Grandparenting is a privilege not a right.
Dear Marochka,
You must remember that we only get to hear one side of the story. I’d like to hear what her husband has to say about this situation, and I’d even like to hear the in-laws point of view. But unfortunately, that’s not possible. And no, I’m not a MIL myself. I am trying to look at this situation with an open mind and help her resolve her problems. I am trying to help her make peace in her home. I didn’t know that I was supposed to be her cheerleader!
Myla you sound like a MIL in disguise. Of course you arent going to hear both sides, this is a website for women to complain about their MIL’s. I think you need to lighten up.
Sherry- you bring up valid points. The in laws take over the house when they visit and it gets on your damn nerves. I find it funny you block the cable channels. The in law house being dirty is something you will have to live with. My FIL and his wife are gross. I had issues with their house from day one so my son wasnt allowed to sleep over. Of course you cant say, “my kids cant stay here cuss you are dirty.” We just always made up an excuse why our son couldnt stay the night. My FIL smokes and I requested that he not smoke around our son. When my son was a newborn, my FIL picked him up, lit a cigg. I calmly walked over, removed my son from his lap and again stated I didnt want my son around smoking. I can justify this cuss I am a smoker and have not smoked around my son. So If I dont do it, no one else will. Also why do you feel gulity your children dont go to church? Its ok if they dont. You can still believe in god in your own home. The comments about gays and what not is wrong. Sure they will hear this crap from people as they get out in the world but hearing it at home and from loved ones makes it more valid. My FIL is really big on using the N word. We told him if he says it around our son, he wont spend time with him. It took a few times for us to repeat our wishes and finally he stopped.