Inlaws Controlling our lives!!

by sherry on 09/06 @ 12:38am

Hi I’m 26 years old and my fiance is 29. I’ve been with my fiance for 5 years and engaged for 3 years!!! (yes 3 years). Reason being we were engaged for 3 years because I was still in school and we were not financially ready for marriage but we were still committed to each other. Everything was going good until his parents ended up in a huge financial problem, that meant transferring ownership of their house in my fiance’s name. He is the oldest son that ONLY has good credit and my mil just lost her job and has no intentions of finding another one, because she thinks she’s a queen that doesn’t need to work anymore. I was soooo upset that the only way to fix their problem was to transfer ownership of the house into his name, and all this time I was saving up for a house for us!!! My fiance can’t afford to have 2 mortgages in his name, so this creates a problem for our future. He wants us ALL to buy another house together and at first I was like “@!*$ that, hell no” but I felt bad in their situation. So I decided it would be ok unless some rules was set in place, since we were the ones HELPING THEM in their financial problem. All I said was that I want the house in my name and my fiance’s name only. No smoking in the house. And the house decor should be left up to me and my fiance, and if we need input we will ask for it. I didn’t think my rules were outrageous since my inlaws want to move back to Trinidad when they retire and visit every 6 months. When my mil found out she totally flipped and called up my mom and complained!!! And told her how they have ALL right to pick which house to live because they have CASH money to put towards a house and she wants part ownership and if me and my fiance separate or move out she wants all her money back plus any capital gains or interest!!!!! And my mil wants to decorate the house as she feels fit and my fiance tells me what’s the big deal and why can’t I share!!!! I am the type of person who wants my own privacy and I don’t want to live with PARENTS, especially from the beginning of my marriage. When they get older and can’t take care of themselves, that’s another story, I have a heart I’m not cruel. All I want is to live a simple life and be happy and don’t have to worry about my in-laws watching me every second of my life!!! I don’t want to be involved in a money mix up story. I swear, I can feel that my in-laws think I’m the bitch and have no heart. Oh yea, his mil doesn’t want him to get married because when he asked her, she didn’t say a word!!!!! How is that supposed to make me feel. I feel like they don’t want to let go of their son and made him feel guilty by putting his name in the mortgage. There are ways to fix this issue, instead of buying a house, BUT my fiance doesn’t want to hear it and WANTS to buy a house in his name for them. I don’t know what to do, my fiance and I are not talking now, and I feel like I’m wasting my time and I’ll always be last on his list of priority. :’( Please help……From Confused

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7 Responses to “Inlaws Controlling our lives!!”

Rachel E said on 09/06/08 @ 4:59pm

Oh my goodness! Let me start by saying this: YOU ARE 100% RIGHT!!!

I have never put anything this blunt on this site before, but please listen:

DO NOT GET MARRIED UNTIL HE COMPROMISES AND SIDES WITH YOU!

DO NOT GET THE HOUSE WITH YOUR MONEY AND HIS AND PUT THE MIL’s NAME ON IT!

DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO CONVINCE YOU THAT IT IS NOT A BIG DEAL, IT IS HUGE…

EVEN IF YOU MAKE IT DOWN THE ISLE, THIS SET OF CIRCUMSTANCES WILL RUIN YOUR MARRIAGE!!!

Take some of the money that you have saved and QUICKLY get to couples counselling with him… Don’t take no for an answer!!! He needs to hear from someone else that you are not being unreasonable, in fact, you are only trying to protect your future marriage.

Betty Lou said on 09/06/08 @ 6:07pm

First I would like to commend you for your patience and maturity. You are right. Unfortunately age does not necessarily bring wisdom. Some people never grow up. Sounds like your future in-laws are a mess. The counseling advice is right on. I would insist on it before marring…… you’re going to end up there anyway.

If I were in your shoes, I would do some research and find an attorney that specializes in real estate. The first consultation should be free. Explain to him your dilemma, and hopefully he has some idea’s to resolve the mortgage problem. I’ve seen them come up with things that I would have never dreamt of. For instance, your DH selling the house back to them and holding the mortgage, OR, renting the house to them and calling it “rental property”. Because of deprecation, this may put more money in DH pocket due to tax deductions. The rent count’s as extra income and voids the amount of the mortgage. This should free him up to purchase another house. Whatever you do, INSIST, on written contracts, say the bank needs them. ( may want to pre date them to the time DH took the mortage) In the rental agreement make it CLEAR that THEY are responsible for ALL up keep. Ask them to pay the mortgage up at least 3 months ahead and have the rent auto deducted from FIL pay check. (just my opinion, I’m not a lawyer)

PLEASE, PLEASE, do not allow them to move in with you. It will be the BIGGEST mistake of your life. I would become a Nun before I ever did that…….
Good Luck!

Betty Lou said on 09/06/08 @ 7:26pm

After giving this some additional thought, I feel it’s necessary to mention this also……

Sounds like you have a huge heart, I do too! Some folks see that quality as a weakness and mistake it for stupidity. Please do not allow these people to put you on a guilt trip. It was them that mismanaged their money and put themselves in this predicament. YOU MUST NOT ALLOW them to suck you in. Your FMIL is already showing her selfishness by insisting that it all must go her way. If I were you, I would make it a point to confide any moves that I made to someone I trusted before doing so. I have let my emotions over take my brains and have made the wrong decisions in the past. Just because these are FDH parents, does not mean you owe them anything other than the respect they earn. If you make any further decisions without thinking it through, it’s perfectly fine to change your mind. Yes, it’s sad that people get themselves in financial trouble, bailing them out just makes it worse. Please try not to commit yourself to take care of them when they grow old, make that decision when need be. They are so lucky to have you in their lives, including FDH. I hope they realize this.

georgia said on 09/08/08 @ 12:07am

Hey, just somehow happen to hit on this, I am a 50 something female, that has had two mother-in-law’s from the deepest parts of hell. one is so bipolar that I think she invented the name, all she ever did was put me down and still continues to do so. she hated when I took my kids to church, she gave them cigarettes at 11 years old and still continues to hurt me. but why did I let her keep doing that, I just don’t understand. now I have a wonderful husband, but I still have mother in-law troubles, you see my husband is so kind, she lives with us and has been there for 6 months and wont leave, she lives with her daughter the other 6 months, which is a better situation, I feel so uncomfortable in my own house, I just don’t want to be there, we are at each other all the time and before that mu husband and I never said one harsh word to each other, but I guess there is no hope, empty and frustrated in Henrietta n y to anyone who

pullinghair said on 09/08/08 @ 10:16am

I agree, DO NOT LET THEM LIVE WITH YOU. Believe me, it will only ruin your marriage. You and your future husband should be on the same page. If you think that your at the bottom of his list, you probably are! Do you really want to be with a guy who puts his mom first before his wife? I don’t mean to trivialize your problems, but you really need to think it over about marrying this guy. There are other ways to help your future parents in-law. You are not responsible to fix their problems. And you certainly do not want to live with them. I will be the biggest mistake you will ever make. Before my husband and I got married, he told his mother that she could never live with us because it will ruin our marriage. We’ve been married for almost 10 years, she doesn’t live with us. She only visits 3 times a year (she lives in Europe) but even that it’s pretty stressful when she’s around. So you can only imagine what it would be like for you and your future husband and parents in-law living in the same house? If you think you have problems now, wait till you guys move in all together. It will be a marriage made from hell!

toomuchtotake said on 09/08/08 @ 3:21pm

Don’t do it! Do not let them move in with you! This is just a recipe for divorce. I am currently watching my SIL’s marriage go down the tubes fast because they live with my MIL and FIL. My husband and I are newly married and his MIL is THE constant arguement between us. You will lose total control of your home of you let them in. Your husband will always be in the middle and you don’t want that stress on a new marriage and what is SUPPOSED to be a happy home.

Kelli said on 09/08/08 @ 8:54pm

Sherry,
You know what is right and what is wrong. Stand your ground.

Don’t mess up your future and the future of your children by entangling yourself in this mess.

Maybe he is not the one for you. Maybe he’s too enmeshed in an unhealthy unwise family.

Maybe you need to set the matter on the table with a clear decision:

You will not be enslaved to the future from day one of your marriage.

Either get clear, or don’t get married. What would Suze Orman say?