I don’t think that my story is as severe as some of the other stories here, but it sure is breaking up my family. My mother in law is a very nice person at heart. She is a mother that enjoyed being a mom so much that she won’t let go. My husband and I have been married for four years and she has continuously tried to manipulate herself into our lives. About three years ago she set something up so that her and my father in law would come over every Monday night for dinner and then we would scrap book. At first I thought it was great, but then I slowly started to see that she would spend more time talking to her son and less time scrap booking with me. Then I started to realize that she was really just coming over so she can have some control in our lives (she is a control freak by the way). About a year and a half ago I had a little girl, she is the most important and wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. So my MIL decided that instead of scrap booking she would come over on Monday’s and baby-sit my daughter while the rest of the week she goes to another woman that my husband and I feel does a better job. She no longer wants to spend time with me, so obviously she never really did. Now she comes over every Monday and we try to tell her what we want her to do with our daughter, like set rules, and she just questions us and sometimes she doesn’t follow through because she doesn’t agree with us. About 5 weeks ago I couldn’t take it anymore so we sat down and had a talk with her. She broke down in tears and made it all about herself, like how she was so hurt that we could feel that way. Rather than saying, I am sorry that I have made you feel this way. Well, now I feel that I can’t talk to her about anything because I am afraid that she will just get upset. When she did something that I didn’t agree with regarding my daughter yesterday, I spoke to my husband about it and posed a suggestion to get around it but he just jumped down my throat. Our whole house is just so tense and things are just in torment. I would really like to have my life back, I would like her not to watch my daughter on Monday’s anymore but my husband doesn’t want to hurt his mothers feelings. I can’t ask him to do something that would upset him so badly but I can’t live like this anymore. I would like to have a nice relationship with my MIL and still have a separately life that doesn’t involve her coming over on Monday’s anymore. I just don’t know what to do, it is really breaking up my family. Does anyone have any advice for me?
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Her name is Patricia. By day, she is Mrs. Corporate America, by night, she is an “Ann Landers” of sorts. Patricia is the founder of the internationally-recognized website, motherinlawhell.com.
Advice
3 Responses to “I want a relationship with my MIL - Please help!”
Your MIL is an overbearing, control freak who is intruding on your life and trying to run it for you. So far, you’ve let her because you haven’t set any boundaries. Are you going to continue letting this happen? It is time to put on the big girl panties and deal with it.
What about your feelings? Don’t they count too? You obviously are uncomfortable having her babysit your daughter once a week at your home when you are being disrespected and ignored. Don’t let it continue. Tell hubs he can visit them for dinner, or he can entertain them but you and daughter are going out with a friend or something on Mondays. Make yourself busy. If you feel it is best for your daughter to go with this other woman then do it! You are the MAMA the buck stops at you. Who cares if it will upset MIL? Do what is best for your own family or continue to live in misery letting her completely take over your role as wife and mother. Your choice.
Of course she cried crocodile tears. It is how she gets her way with her son and obviously it worked cuz you’ve given in. Don’t give in! Tell her that you are not happy with the arrangement anymore and would like to invite them over maybe twice a month. You have your own family now. You and hubs are both grown ups and are not beholden to mommy and daddy anymore.
I advocate this because I have a MIL from hell too. I realized that my hubs is never going to stand up to her the way I want him to so I’ve decided to stand up for myself. I feel so much better that I’m finally not putting up with her bs anymore and setting boundaries. She doesn’t like it, but tough. And guess what, she cried too. But hubs figure out the world doesn’t end just because his mommy has a hissy fit when she doesnt get to control us. We are both happier without her “input” all the time, and he is starting to stand up to her himself a little bit. Small steps but at least I finally feel like I am the wife and mother in MY FAMILY, just as it should be.
I recommend you to stop routine to see IL on Mondays, miss few times (you not felling well, or child is teething) take them somewhere like restaurant or park, other words keep them away from your home do it slowly and they will use to it. Set a new routine to go on picnic every other Sunday three hours before your child’s nap so you can go home to have a nap. Find a nice place, cook food, make photos, play games, and enjoy outside. Invite them at your home no more then once in two months.
Explain to your husband that if he wants healthy family he should protect you from worries that can cause depression and other mental problems. And also tell him that you fill unsecure that you can not stop her babysitting if you don’t want it anymore even in is his mother because it is your child you give birth to.
MIL, FIL,…- parents from both sides of husband and wife different view due to age, life, work, and experience won’t let a new family to choose them, tell them that to do, but they definitely will interfere with the way you raise your kids.
New family - husband and wife make each other life full of love, happiness, and security making a new family with new rules. But the most important protect each other from their families even if families don’t like it. In this situation there is always somebody who won’t be happy. I have the exact situation like you for 7 years I tried to make my life the way I want to, and its working we see each other twice a month, they don’t babysit my child, and they won’t manipulate me or my husband any more. The only problem I can not fix she always will be there watching me and my family.
I have to tell you that you are right, she loves to control things. I know that I have to put my foot down, but I have to do it tactfully because she is going to be my MIL forever and I want it to be a good relationship so we can do things together and have nice family get-togethers. I spent a lot of time reading all the stories and advice yesterday and I pieced together a great plan to get things so that everyone is happy. I want my MIL to have a good relationship with her granddaughter but she is intruding on my life because she comes into my home and takes over. Well, my husband told her yesterday that she no longer can watch my daughter once a week. Instead, my daughter will go over to her house once a month on a Friday night and sleep over. This way my MIL is still in my daughters life, we aren’t smothered by my MIL, and my husband and I will get some alone time together. Also, my MIL will not be coming into my home and telling me what to do. We feel that we will finally be able to feel like we want to see my MIL and do other things with her since we wont see her once a week. She of course didn’t like the idea, but she will get over it. I finally feel like I have my life back, so thanks everyone!