Mother-in-law Hell

You sound like a mother in law that I wish I had!! You are far from evil and you are def not from hell! You just keep loving your son the way you to. After a while he will see how his wife or wife to be does not show you the respect and gratitude that you deserve! Hopefully he sees that before they tie the knot.

Dear MIL asking for opinion,
Well, seeing as I am the same age as you but I am not a MIL yet(two sons here), you have done a bit too much for the DIL from the onset. Your son (age 33) stated he wasn’t really ready for a house, asked you for a down payment of $8000, you should have said no. They are adults and making that choice on the purchase (IMPO a house purchase before the wedding is a mistake in itself). The diamond ring offer could have waited until they had been married for a few years (would have been a good 5 year anniversary present to her,”a family heirloom Dear!”) The yard work should have been THEIR job as a couple…building the value of THEIR home together. As for the visits, you stated she worked two jobs, could it be she was engaged there or tired from those? One more question…did your son happen to THANK YOU at any time for these gifts and donations?

Short answer: Yes. You are a MIL from hell. Here’s why.

1) You will not let go of your son. He is 33, and he doesn’t need your permission on who he is to marry. You say that you think she is trouble but you’ve not given any reasons on why you think that. People know when you are being fake nicey nice. I’m sure she has picked up on this from you and therefore doesn’t want to have a relationship with someone who already has formed a low opinion of her.

2) Her not saying goodbye or being there to greet you could possibly be because SHE HAS A LIFE and maybe you came to visit at a time that wasn’t conveienent for her. It is really, really petty on your part to hold this against her.

3)Did she even want the engagagement ring? She might have seen you giving this ring as an overstep. Perhaps she wanted to pick out her own ring with her fiance but instead felt pressured to take the ring you offered. Maybe she didn’t say thank you because to her, it isn’t what she really wanted. BTW , the only person she should be thanking is the man who propsed to her with it (your son) if anyone should have thanked you for the ring it is your son.

4) Your son moved to a different state then you. Perhaps you don’t have the close relationship with him that you think you have. Many times children move to get away from their overbearing, controlling, parents.

5) The wedding present is another case of you overstepping! Did you ever think that maybe they would like to landscape their own yard the way they want to? It is not your place to offer something like that! It is like telling them you will decorate their master suite for them! BIG EWWWWW factor. Did you ever think that maybe she didn’t want you to decorate her yard for her and didn’t feel like she could say “no” to this “present” but didn’t thank you because she really didn’t want your “help” with this in the first place?

6) How do you know your son didn’t want to buy a house? Let me tell you something, she cannot make your son do anything he doesn’t want to do. There is a huge chance that he didn’t want to buy a house by himself but loved the idea of having a house with his wife and family!!!!

7)”I fear that if I don’t stay out of their lives she is going to destroy the love he has for me.” As you have guessed you have already meddled too much in their lives. Yes, she will resent you for this and will put up healthy boundaries. Your son will not stop loving you but he will stop you from butting into their lives, giving unsolicited opinions, redecorating their home, visiting too often, demanding holidays, etc. etc. This is normal. You have been waaaayyyyyy to pushy and you know it. Time to back off and give this newly married couple some breathing room.

8)”Up until the time she got my diamond on her finger I really tried to accept this girl.” - This says it all right here. Do you not see what is wrong with this sentance? Let me point it out to you. It is not your diamond, it is her wedding band. She is not a girl, she is a grown woman. She also knows that you don’t like her and that you are being fakey fakey. Yet you expect her to like you, thank you, roll out the red carpet when you visit and accept all of your overbearing “presents”. She KNOWS that what you said to her you did not mean, and you are mad that she has called you on it to her friends?

Yes lady. You are a MIL from hell. Your DIL will not like you until you quit meddling, quit playing passive aggressive and petty games, quit giving overbearing “presents”. Also quit acting like your son can’t possibly have his own brain and make his own choices about his life, if you raised him well, then he is the one deciding to protect his wife from your nastiness. He is not a little boy anymore, and you truly do have to let him go.

If you ever want to have any chance of a relationship with future grandkids, you really, really need to own up to the damage you have done. You are writing here for a reason. I think you know that you’ve probably done more then you’ve even listed and now you are furiously back peddling trying to get out of owning up to your bad behavior. Just do what is right, back off, quit the nicey nice act, be civil but give them some space! Stop trying to insert yourself in their lives, instead wait to be invited. Only you can fix this relationship. As far as I can tell the only thing your DIL has done wrong is to marry your son.

Other things to add:

1) She didn’t want your help with the wedding. It isn’t your place anyway. Get over it. I’m sure she has her reasons. I think it has to do with the fact that you are controlling and she wants to have the wedding of her dreams and doesn’t want your opinion. She already knows what you think of her and I’m sure she doesn’t want to hear the little digs you will make about her taste in x,y,z.

2) Of course she doesn’t want to go on a vacation with you! You are not her friend, you are the mother of her fiance. You will never be “girlfriends” or have a mother daughter relationship. Especially since she already knows that you don’t like her. We can tell when it is an act. Why would she want to go on a trip with someone that doesn’t like her?

3) You seem to tell your son that he is an adult, but when he actually acts like one…you don’t like it. LET HIM GO. Smothering, inserting, controlling and being pushy are major mistakes in parental/adult children relationships. He is a man. He can make his own choices about moving in with someone whether it is after 2 weeks or two years! Geesh!

Yep, Yep………you have over stepped way too many times. She probably doesn’t go out of her way to greet nor say goodbye to you because you haven’t respected her. Common curtsy goes out the window, you haven’t shown it to her, so she’s reciprocating. You mention your ‘gifts’ along with a price tag….is the monetary value of a gift that matters more to you? or is it a means of control and thus allows you to keep meddling in their lives?
Do you have a problem that she’s a bartender? Sounds like to me you do. Where ever she chooses to work is none of your business.
She isn’t trying to turn your son against you. You are doing it all alone by your words and actions towards them.
My advice. Leave them alone. If they ask for your help…. monetary or otherwise, it must be given unconditionally. You have already laid the groundwork for a strained relationship with her and them. The only way things can get better between you two is to back off. MB, if your lucky, they might allow you back in their lives. I doubt there will be the type of relationship that you have hoped for…..too much damage has already been done.

The responses so far have been most unfair to Phyllis. She certainly does not sound like a MIL from hell to me. You all say she is controlling, etc. —

BUT —

THE SON (and maybe DIL) ASKED THE MIL FOR THE DOWN PAYMENT on the house. That’s hardly a nosy, controlling MIL. MIL sounds very generous. Expecting Mom to fund the down payment is hardly acting like a grown, independent man. Son and DIL sound spoiled and self-centered.

As for the ring, it was generous of her to OFFER the diamond. THe son certainly didn’t have to accept it, but if he did, then he should thank his mother, and the DIL should thank BOTH her husband and her MIL. If they couldn’t afford their own house down payment, how could he have bought her a nice ring without the MIL’s generosity? I would hope a smart DIL would appreciate the sentimental value of a diamond that had been in the family she was marrying into.

As for buying a house, yes, he may not have wanted one when he was single, but having a partner to share the maintenance with can make all the difference.

Regarding the trip MIL offered to take DIL on - what a nice way to say “I accept you, and want a nice relationship with you”. Even if DIL couldn’t go - she should appreciate the offer.

I see nothing in Phyllis’ letter that sounds like she is being fake nice. Rather, she sounds like a lovely woman who is doing nothing but trying to reach out to her son’s choice of life partner. I had a warm, welcoming mother in law, who died suddenly when we had only been married 2 years, and our baby was only 8 weeks old. I was always glad she lived to see the baby, but sad that we lost her so soon. Phyllis’s DIL needs to grow up, and the rest of you really need to take a fair look at things.

You sound like my Monster In Law….always the victim. You need to allow your son to make his choices in his life and you need to accepted them as they are. Not as you would prefer.
My MIL - who I affectionately call Satan - is overbearing and outwardly nice to all and then maliciously berating behind their backs. She tried to “help” us with our wedding by offering to pay - we politely turned it down.both of us being adults paid for it ourselves. My MIL tried to invite over 200 people to our wedding. We respectfully declined and cut her list in half. My MIL has tried to get a key to my home - graciously we said , No I don’t think so”. My MIL has given me decorating tips (I had an interior deigner) - cooking books ( I am a gourmet cook) and gift cards for Victoria’s Secret ( a bit too personal for me) and still continues to TRY and dominate our lives. She wanted to go with us when we were house hunting - No was kindly said.
My MIL has trashed me to all her friends and family. I have been called a snob and a b*tch. The problem is she sets the barometer for me in the famly.NO ONE really knows me (we have been married 4 years) and NO ONE in the family cares to know me because my MIL has casted such an ugly picture of me.It is hurtful and unfair.
My MIL is judgemental - supposedly a christian woman who cast judgement - she is petty and controlling. We finally had enough…You will be in the same position if you do not wise up and don’t worry about if she vacations with you…..lighten up and leave them alone.
My husband and I spend our holidays together BY CHOICE - we do not play in the family soap opera, no family dinners, just us….by choice - his choice. And I am glad .
You are the MIL from hell. Let your son and his wife live their lives - the way they want.

phyllis, i am a recently married 27 year old man. to put it plainly, i disagree with almost everything marochka has said before. there seems to be a lack of interest on her part to take you in as part of her family. the real question here though is why? until you know that you probably wont make any ground with her.

you seem to have made quite a few assertions here about your daughter in law being selfish and conniving. even if what you said is absolutely truthful, talking down about her like you have here is completely counterproductive. its possible that she percieves things like redoing the landscape on thier home as being invasive. even if your motives are sincerely pure, ultimately its how she percieves it that matters. personally, i dont see anything you did as being wrong, supposing that your intentions were pure. but honestly, was she in full support and agreement with the things you did? if not than theres a big problem.

there is one thing that stuck out to me though… the way you constantly referred back to your “good deeds”. what you essentially said here was, “i did A,B,C,and D FOR HER and i cant believe that she didnt even thank me.” what really bothers me here is that you seem to have kept a track record of both your good and her wrong. this is alarming because it says something as to the way you take things in. what i mean is, there seems to be a me vs. them mentality here. or more specifically, me vs. her. is it possible that she has picked up on this and is now reciprocating it back to you? saying that you feared she would turn your son away from you really through some light on this as well. besides, give your son some credit. unless your son is a complete coward, he would never let that happen unless he wanted it to.

the bible says over and over again that the greatest act a person can commit towards another person is showing a love that is gracious, sincere, and unconditional. personally, i know many people who respect me for the simple fact that i first showed them respect. if you really want to have a good relationship with your daughter in law then you need to remember to be sincerely loving and respectful towards her. it doesnt matter who is in the wrong here.

by the way. as a 27 year old man with a wife and child let me say this… you have every right to be an integral part of your sons life. dont forget though that your son is a newly married man who will most likely be devoting more of his time and energy into building and strengthing his marriage.

Hey gals, you honestly think that her niceness and attempts to reach out to the DIL is overstepping her boundaries. You think that she would do back-breaking labor by landscaping their yard if she was a MILFH? Come on, you gals are too pissed off at your own MILs to see straight, that this woman Phyllis has been not given one ounce of respect.

Phyllis, you have tried TOO hard. Most daughter in laws want the approval of their mother in laws, and this girl does not. Which says a lot. If I were you, just cut your losses, if you don’t try so hard then maybe your son will eventually miss you enough to be thankful for all that you have done. You can let your son go because trying to hold on is going to hurt you, you don’t have to prostrate yourself to him or his wife, you are not old school. Having class is not outdated, it’s just more rare.

I comment a lot on this site, and I have to say that Marochka’s entry is possible the best one I’ve ever read! Way to take the time to say all that. There’s not much to add as I totally agree with everything she said. I just really hate that the MIL price tagged everything. True gifts don’t have price tags. Obviously it was only some kind of sick leveraging tool. And maybe he didn’t want a house before….but now with a wift he does…big surprise?

My mil said my fiance never wanted another child (he was a single dad from a young age) and then she got upset when we got together and he wanted another one…said I was forcing him to do something he didn’t want to do. People have the right to change their mind! Circumstances change!

P.s. I wouldn’t have wanted the ring either. I wouldn’t have said thank you in a similar circumstance. I probably would have told him to give it back and go buy one on his own. What a weasel for taking it!

Butt out!

Ok so you probably aren’t the mother-in-law from hell, but you seem to put a price on everything. Your son owes you the thank you not your future daughter in law. She’ll base the relationship with you on the one your son has and what he says. You gave him the ring was it one she’d like? You gave him money for a down payment not her and then proceeded to decorate their yard to your taste. Slow down just be mom with no responsibilities for their lives together. Let them live their lives give them no more money or stuff unless it’s a gift pure and simple enjoy the wedding you don’t have to pay for and take a vacation with your hubby or friends, maybe someday the love will blossom on it’s own.

I don’t agree, I don’t think this lady is a mother in law from hell at all. Her gifting all these things to her son and daughter in law should not be perceived as “not wanting to let go of her son” at all, I think she’s just trying to help them create their own life. Buying a house and getting married are 2 expensive things, she probably just wanted to help them out. If the daughter in law didn’t appreciate the gifts, she should have said something, don’t just take the gifts and then not be grateful. In my opinion the mother in law has only tried her best to help her son, if he didn’t want her help he should have let her know, since he didn’t, she hasn’t done anything wrong.

Sorry, I really cannot sympathize…. my MIL always tries to buy things without asking my opinion… like your lawn deal… saying it was dead and overgrown… Did ya say… wow love the house got any plans for it? and IF the yard was mentioned did ya ask… well how do you envision it? OR did you just go ahead and use your OWN thoughts on the matter… perhaps they planned to renovate a room first and would have appreciated a pitch in with the $ BUT YOUVE GOT TO ASK! Course when I having a meeting with Bill Gates for a scholarship meeting I said I wanted to get a new outfit… she said you have plenty of lovely things you just choose to wear those raggy clothes… ( I am a college student and my husband is on disability) Then when my husband told her I was offended cause I never buy new clothes she threw $500 at him and told him to buy me something… I refused, told her she was right. I should make do. Im not young … I am 54 going back to school to make a better living now that hubby cant work. It’s hard cause he has nurses in all day and I try to keep a good mental attitude… I am a MIL! I love my DIL… When my son called and said they had bought a home I said great! Let me talk to Your bride so I can see if there is something you cant get for yourself that I can contribute with that will help! If I visit ( invited of course)I say are you cooking or would you like me to… or would you like a night out and I just babysit? They are my kids but I dont know their schedule their lives or their business…I am here I love them…Hands off is my rule… If they ask I will jump through fire but if not asked I say HANDS OFF!

I do not know what you girls are talking about, I WISH my motherin law would as so much ATTEMPT to do HALF the things this women did. Instead of us crying to her, she’s ALWAYSSSS crying to us. SOwhat i think you should do is cut the middle man out (your son) and go to her direct and ask her, wasup?? Bring all the things you did for her up, and if she still is how she is, im sorry to say then ur son made his bed, let him lay in it. He will come around once he was realized what he gave his mother up for.

No you are not the MILFH AT ALL! I would love to have someone like you in my life! But I would back off from their realtionship to let things heal.. b/c she may now be on the defence about her rude behavior.B/c I can promise you that your son braught it to her attetention. But she does not seem like to be the type to say sorry she will just pull away (and maybe your son away to). Also before you do anything.. or buy anything ask HER and your son if it okay. Some people are just silly about gifts and do not know how to react about it.

Well, people will agree and disagree and that is fine. I pointed out issues that could possibly be perceived as overstepping and I think the majority of the “she is not a MILFH” crowd are not even DILs. Gifts are only gifts if they have been given with the person in mind. It is my opinion that this MIL is overbearing, and expects respect from her DIL without giving any to her DIL in return. Didn’t anyone notice how she gave no examples of her DIL doing anything wrong other than not saying “thank you” for things she shouldn’t be responsible for thanking her MIL for? This MIL also admitted that she doesn’t like her DIL but fakes being nice to her. Can anyone answer me why her DIL would like her MIL if she knows her MIL doesn’t like her and is fake to her? Can anyone give me a valid reason why her DIL should make any effort at all with this woman? It seems to me some of you are in the camp that a DIL needs to be a doormat for the MIL to wipe her muddy boots on. Either that or you are MIL’s yourself. As for the lady who thinks she is just trying to “help” them set up their home, there is a difference between “helping” and “controlling”. In order for it to be helping the couple would have to actually ask for it. It seems this woman just offered to do some decorating on the new couples home, and that IS an overstep. I bet her DIL is trying to be gracious which is why she let her MIL do her landscaping but as a DIL I can honestly say that she probably didn’t wan this “help” but also didn’t want to offend her MIL. I see several overstepping of boundaries in this relationship. For those of you who don’t see that, perhaps you have a skewwed sense of what proper boundaries are.

The 27 year old guy seems like a mommy’s boy. He seems enmeshed. Here is an example “There seems to be a lack of interest on her part to take you in as part of her family.” Newsflash. They are their own family, the MIL is not a part of the immediate family but is now extended family. It is not the DIL’s responsibility to make the MIL feel welcome into her family immediate family unit but it is the MIl’s responsibility to make the DIL feel welcome into the extended family. From what I have read, she has not done a fine job of that. If you think that parents are supposed to be included in the immediate family of wife, husband and children you have a skewed sense of healthy familial relationships.

Marochka’s words are spoken very well, and I agree with her. However, When the MIL came to visit and the DIL was too busy to visit or even say g-bye:: there are two sides to every story- and I imagine it’s a variation of one of the following—-
1- MIL didn’t make a planned visit that would agree with the son and DIL’s plans or
2- DIL simply feels the need to avoid MIL and made plans to stay busy.

If it was along the lines of #1- MIL is setting up DIL to fail and give MIL something to complain about. If it’s option #2, then DIL let her guard down and gave fuel to the fire willingly.

Other than that, all other issues MIL has stated are simply MIL’s way to control her son and DIL further. It’s time to concentrate on your own home, your own marriage, your own family. Let your son work on his home, his family, his marriage. My mother always told me that she would know she was a succesful mother and her job was over once the 4 of us were married with families of our own. 3 of us are married, 4th one is in college. She said it’s the happiest time of her life- to see the way she has raised us to become happy, succesful and independent adults tells her that she was a good mother. To that, I tell her she was an excellant mother. But, she is right. She did her job, she raised us up and was able to send us on our way. If we need her advice, her help- we ask her, and we know that “mom” is there. BUT, she doesn’t need to be there every minute of every day to protect us from the big bad things in life that are out there. So many MIL’s seem to think it’s their sole job to protect there little darlings from their own choices and mistakes. As a mother, if you taught your child well and raised them up strong- trust in them to make their own decisions. Trust in yourself to have raised your child well. Trust in yourself to let go enough to let them breath the air of independence. Trust in them to seek your words of wisdom when they need them. Trust in yourself. Trust in them.

No, you are not old school. Manners do account for something. Can you not just go to her and tell her that she hurt your feelings in a nonconfrontational way? Tell her that you when you gave her the money for the home and landscaping as a weddubg gift that you felt like she didn’t thank you and that it hurt your feelings. Don’t wait for her to thank you becuase it isn’t going to happen. If you expect a thank you from her you are obviously going to have to let her know. Rather or not you like it you will have to show her common courtesy or YOU will lose your son because of YOUR own actions, not your DIL’s. Going to her and talking to her in a loving manner is common courtesy, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. You dislike your DIL, but you will still have to respect her and tolerate her or YOU will not see much of your son. Maybe she doesn’t like you and doesn’t want to spend time alone with you. That doesn’t mean that you are not a nice and likeable person. Instead of focusing on developing a relationship with just her perhaps you should try to focus on having a relationship with the two of them as a married couple. Invite them over for dinner. Invite them to a movie. Catch my drift? You do not have to let your son go and you suggesting this is rediculous. Your son has changed, he is married now. Either be a part of their family or be alone.

Ok, first off if you are on here asking for advice on whether or not you over stepped your boundries than you are NOT a MIL from hell. It shows you want to somehow figure out the situation and make it better. From what I take from your entry I think you really want to be included in their lives. So much so, you are making decisions that should only involve them but you dont realize it. The ring, a nice gesture but unless she expressed a desire for that ring in particular, Im sure she already had one in mind. She might have felt trapped in taking it. Same thing with the landscaping. They asked for down payment assist but taking over the landscaping could make them feel like since you helped them get into the house, you now have the say on what goes on with it. Food for thought, do you think the desire to be included in their lives so much is because you are lacking something in your own life? Your son is entering a new phase in his life and that might be hard on you. Even though he has been out of state it seems like you had him in your life a lot. I also get this vibe he might be an only child. If that is the case, this child has been your whole life. Its hard letting go. The desire to own a home prolly came with her in the picture. Lots of men dont even think about setting up a home. Its just a place to sleep, when a woman enters the picture then they start thinking of a future family etc. You will see a lot of changes in him, roll with it the best you can. Think about how wonderful grandchildren will be someday! Let the dust settle for a bit, then call your DIL and tell her that you got thinking about things and feel you might have over stepped into their business. Ask her if you did so. Tell her you were just so excited to have a daughter in your life and your son seems so happy. Compliments go a long way. If she is working at a bar, then I would say money is tight. If you are telling her how much you are spending with your gestures, that might be taken as snobbish behavior with an agenda to control. Instead of shelling out money for their landscaping, take a trip. You did them a huge favor with the down payment for the house. If she continues to be cold and yes I agree not getting up to say good bye is rude, she just might be an ***hole. Not all DIL’s are wonderful.

You’re not a bad mother in-law. I think your daughter in-law is upset because she wants to see her husband to be a man. Your son makes up for his lack of man hood by depending on you. When you paid for the ring she didn’t get it from your son she got it from you… when you paid for landscaping… you did his work for him.. When you paid for the wedding your son did nothing for it.. What if you weren’t around how is he going to handle things.. Your are doing things that either he should be doing or usually her parents should be doing. Every time you do this you remind her that he is not man enough to do anything on his own. Your son probably smart but if he is so lazy that he cant do the simple land skaping task on his own.. Then his intelligence counts for nothing. Your daughter in law is probably old fashion just like you and the things you’re doing for your son ( not for her) does not help your son grow up. She probably wants to tell you to let him grow up and she doesn’t know how.. That’s why she avoids you.. However I would love to exchange my mother in-law with you..:-)

Okay, here is what I see is wrong with this situation.Your son takes and takes and takes. Took the down payment for the house, took the engagment ring, takes the money to come see his OWN family, and took the landscaping present. I have learned the very very hard way that a GROWN MAN who still takes and takes and depends on his parents, usually has a over-obsessed and over-concerned mother.
When I first read this, I felt bad for you. What a BITCH!!! Not only did she not say “thank you” for she also, did not make time to see you and went out with her friends. After getting to the bottom of the page, where you said “I have since found out that she told her friends that I said it and laugh about saying she I didn’t mean it.” and “Before I found this web site I e-mailed my son and told him that I loved him enough to let him go. I fear that if I don’t stay out of their lives she is going to destroy the love he has for me.” I decided to read between the lines. I re-read this and thought it over.You were not being genuine when you first met her (you said you had a “gut feelings”) and that probably showed. She probably feels like she (or no woman for that matter) is good enough for your son in your eyes ( look at the way you pet him) and had a “gut feeling” you genuinly didn’t accept her. She probably thinks you are GIVING to recieve praise and to gain a sense of control and isn’t welcoming it. I’m sure what your son is not telling you is that, they got in a HUGE fight after he gave her the ring.ALSO, I felt bad for her not saying goodbye or letting you help, but then I thought back….my Mother In Law hasnt done half as much to impose, yet I am planning on reading 400 books over Thankgiving to escape the stress and tension of being fakey with someone who I dont believe aceepts ME,I have no REASON not to like her, and no one has SAID she doesnt accept me. Its just a gut feeling! SO just like you, she probably has these gut feelings too, and you should adress her and your son with truth, next time HE CALLS!Then start on a clean slate.Own up to the way you REALLY feel, and ask how they feel.

As a DIL who truly has the MIL from hell, all I can say is, if I had an MIL like Phyllis, I would atleast be thankful for her generousities and make an attempt to establish a positive relationship. Maybe Phyillis and her DIL started on the wrong foot. Perhaps a little more communications is needed from both of them. If the DIL feels her MIL is smothering, then she should say it and not leave it to assumption, it sounds to me as if they both need to vocalize their feelings, and if it turns out that their personalities and ideals prevent them from having a healthy relationship, then they should atleast agree to be civil land polite our of respect for the son/husband. Phyllis could very well be smothering and perhaps interfering, but atleast it is an attempt to establish some kind of a relationship, lets give her props for that atleast. If the DIL feels smothered, then say so, and quite being rude about it. Thats not helping the situation either. Thats just my opinion. Im just a DIL with a MIL from hell. Let me put it in perspective, I rarely see my MIL, and I could go on and on about the horrible things she has done, but I’ll leave it to just one weekend. The weekend of our wedding, which took place at my parents ranch home. At the reception, my MIL casually mentioned that is was pregnant, I found out when my sister came up to me and said “you could have told us and you should put down the champange,” then she was making an attempt to find the restroom and found my purse instead, she stole money from my purse and all the gift cards I had gathered earlier on in the day, then somehow she made it to my Mother and Fathers bedroom where she stole my own Mother’s ring (given to her by her Mother. yes my Mother should not have left it out, but she also did not expect to have anyone in her walk in closet. Any encounters since the wedding have been calls for bail money or someone looking for her. Although we have no relationship with her she is a dark figures that seems to follow regardless of how much we try to avoid it. So Phyllis you are not the MIL from hell, youjust need to perhaps find a way to effectively communicat with you DIL and so does she.

Okay, compared to my monster-in-law, you’re a piece of cake. But there are some similarities that are always quite annoying. One- you have to be careful of what you say. Even if you meant well about the yard situation, she may have taken it as an insult and a control issue. I do think that she should be appreciative of your gifts, and let you know when a certain gesture is not necessary. On the other hand, she may think that what she has to offer your son is not good enough for him. A lot of mothers baby their sons, no matter what age they are, and they generally don’t like the women that “steal” them away from momma. She very well may get the vibe that you see her as “trouble”, and she probably would just rather be left alone. I agree that not getting up to say goodbye was rude. No matter what the situation between MIL and DIL there must be some level of maturity. You just have to let her take care of him now.

I am a recently married bride. I had a very good relationship (despite the fact she talked badly to me about the other two daughter in laws in the family) with my future MIL until closer to the wedding. This is around the time when she started trying to “help out” more. She offered her opinion about everything, and not only to me, but my own mother. My husband and I are both very young, but hardworking and very able to provide for ourselves. Although I’m sure she was trying to be helpful by offering opinions and advice, I felt offended. I wanted to make my own path and do things my own way.
She also gives us many gifts, especially ones for our home. Although I know deep down she is trying to be nice, I also can’t kick the feeling that what I am doing is not “good enough” for her, or her son. She also lavishes expensive gifts on us which makes me feel uncomfortable, because I was brought up in a family which tried to put lesser value on material things. I sometime feel uncomfortable even saying thank you for the gifts (of course I always do eventually), or even bringing them up because I feel unfortable that we even received them in the first place. I also feel that by the gifts I am somehow obligated to be her friend, or overlook hurtful things she says (which happens occasionally).
She comes to visit every now and then. My husband and I work late evening hours at our jobs (I am not a bartender but work similar hours in a healthcare setting) and my sleep schedule is usually from about 3am to 11am or so. Many times I have been expected to be up and going because my MIL wants to be up at 7 or 8 in the morning, dressed and ready for entertaining. As someone who only gets every other weekend off, you could understand how this could become frustrating, and I can tell she has been unhappy with me. I want to be hospitable, but my husband and I are tired.
I am very sorry to interject my own experiences into this reply, but I felt it was important to give a few possible reasons for the daughter in laws coldness (maybe feels like what she does isn’t “good” enough for your liking?) Anyhow, what I’m getting at is yes, it is definately wrong the way she has treated you (especially when she comes to visit), no you are not a bad mother in law. It is her responsibility to tell you if something is bothering her (and your son’s), instead of just blowing you off. I even know common manners and I’m over a decade younger than your son is. I am just offering an opinion. This woman will be in your life for a (hopefully) long time. In the meantime, since your gifts do not seem appreciated, I wouldn’t spend another time or minute of my time. A nice Christmas (or Holiday) card (with MAYBE a little cash) would suffice just fine. Hopefully you get a thank you…or at least they’ll take the hint.

Advice from another Mil. No matter how much you want to help, let them get on with their lives. Do not take over, it may lead to resentment no matter how good your intentions.
My own daughter has a MiL who sounds a bit like you. My daughter can see that her MiL tries to be helpful, but it ends up as MiL being domineering and my daughter talking to her through gritted teeth. You won’t get any thanks for sticking your nose in where it ain’t wanted!
Try just being there for them when they need you and excepting they are all grown up and have their own stuff to get on with. Take an interest, don’t take over
Hope that helps.

I am curious how the daughter-in-law would relate her side of it. If MIL is thinking she is overstepping her bounderies she probably is. If she is doing anything to cause friction in his sons marriage she should take a step back.

Wow. I am surprised at all of the negative feedback received for this mom-in-law. While there were a few situations where there could have been other explanations for the daughter-in-law’s reactions, I really don’t think mom is a bad mom-in-law.

And I definitely don’t understand why a mom would let their son go. No matter how old he is. Maybe stepping back a little would be a better solution.

Wow…I am completely torn on this one.

I can see both sides so to speak. As a bride planning her own wedding, I have also blocked pretty much everyone else out of the planning stages and am happy to share the details I have come up with. Diva? Maybe…Perfectionist? MOST DEFINATELY! Besides, if something goes wrong, I can’t blame anyone else.

Asking her to go on a trip iwht you for a few days is a little much. A spa day would have been a better place to start.

As for giving him “your ring” to give to her…I have to be honest…I wouldn’t be thrilled by that either. It’s almost like a hand me down, mno matter the value. No offense meant…I’m sure the ring is lovely.

I can see your point of wanting to be thanked for everything you have done but you don’t do things expecting to be thanked. You do them out of the kindness of your heart.

And landscaping the yard? Why didn;t you let them do that? how do you know they didn’t want something specific there? I would have given them the money you spent on that and let them do it themselves.

I;m not saying cut all ties with your son…he is your son no matter what but maybe, as the other ladies have said, step back. Let them make thier own decisions and mistakes.