How is a new husband supposed to deal with interference from 200 miles away? My wife and I are newlyweds after dating for 5 years. Our wedding was beautiful (and I actually cried when I saw my wife for the 1st time on our wedding day), however,it was a bit of a tough row to hoe to get there.
My in-laws unfortunately felt the need to CONSTANTLY check up on my wife - calling 5 and 6 times a day to ascertain where she is, what she’s doing, what she’s eating - u get the picture. I hadn’t noticed it for a while as we had a long-distance relationship for our 1st 4 years we dated and just chalked it up to making sure she was ok when she traveled to see me. However, i picked up on it when we finally were able to live in the same town, when her mom and dad would call separately 2 - 4 times each in the 6 hour timeframe between when she’d get home from work and when she’d go to bed. I told her then I thought it was a little much - after all she’s a grown woman with a college degree and a tenured position and her own place - she’s not a kid anymore. But I was told that’s just how they do things. Fine. That is until I was dressed down by her father for interfering with how he runs his family.
Fast forward to our engagement. I was railroaded into it a bit, inasmuch as we had talked to my parents about possibly getting married (only because they were closer and happened to be there when we decided we wanted to get married) but her parents took the similar conversation we had with them as we were already engaged without thier permission; but, they had already started making plans for the wedding (two weeks before i even bought the ring or actually proposed). Our engagement proceeded with my parents being almost totally left out of the loop (the 2 sets of parents never actually spoke to each other until about 2 1/2 weeks prior to our wedding) and i was flat told to my face by my soon-to-be MIL that “the groom has no input in the wedding” even though my wife and I had been trying to make plans together from square one. Her mother was ticked whenever my fiance’ asked my opinion of ANYTHING regarding the wedding and would either berate my fiance’ for me disagreeing with what MIL wanted to do, or would go off in a huff and berate my fiance’ later. My fiance’ and I decided on a SMALL wedding - close family only and as such most of my, and my parents’ close friends were not invited however, her parents invited twice as many people - 1/2 of wich my fiance’ didn’t even know or hadn’t seen in 20 years. The only thing her parents showed next to no interest in was the wedding itself - the whole reason we were there; other than to pitch a fit over my fiance’ and I rewriting the actual wedding service to more reflect our personal faith( even though we did the rewrite WITH the presiding clergy). Two days before the wedding my MIL got onto OUR laptop to snoop and find out where we were staying for our wedding nite and honeymoon citing her concern for the quality of hotel and wether or not it was in an acceptable part of town(even though i had booked a 4-star hotel for our wedding nite). They chose to be uncooperative at the rehearsal and sullen at the rehearsal dinner even though all the other guests from BOTH sides were socializing together quite amiably - merely sitting at table and griping to anyone who’d listen while doing thier best to avoid anyone from my side of the wedding party. From that point on, they refused to say more than 10 words to me until well after our honeymoon. My in-laws didn’t even speak to me on our wedding day - though my FIL took it upon himself to usurp the best man’s right to the 1st toast.
needleess tosay our wedding was a little rough but for about 10 days after, we had peace and quiet. her folks came to visit for a nite about 3 weeks after the wedding, they were a little nicer but still didn’t have much nice to say. Now they are calling my wife AGAIN 3-6 times a day and STILL badmouthing me to my wife behind my back. I love my wife dearly and I would not trade her for ANYONE - however, I cannot abide my inlaws interference in our lives or their continued attempts both before and after our wedding, to undermine my wife’s opinion of me. I am a veteran, i have a good job, I love my wife unconditionaly, I support her unequivocally, I have NEVER abused her nor will I ever. I do not understand their hostility.
This is our life together, but I do not know how to keep it OUR life - independent of outside interference without putting my wife in a position to have to decide between her husband and her parents. It is not fair to her at all. So how then, do I handle this unfortunate situation?
Mick
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3 Responses to “How is a new husband supposed to deal?”
My dear Mick, what you have is a text-book example of controllers. I’d suggest picking up a book callled “toxic in-laws”. Not only does it offer great in-sight, but it also teaches you and your spouse how to interact with them.
If the situation is really serious, it may help to hire a sounding board. But I don’t think things are that bad.
I really think a slight change in behavior will alter how much control they actually have.
Dear Mick,
You sound like a great guy and a very loving husband. I think your wife is lucky to have you. My question is, have you tried to talk to your wife about their controlling, and if so, what does she say? Do you have caller-id? And if not, I’d certainly consider getting it.
I’m very close to my mother and I enjoy talking to her almost everyday. We only live about a mile apart. However, I never tell her what’s going on in my marriage. That’s private stuff that I know I need to keep between me and my husband. We talk about everything under the sky, but she never asks, nor do I volunteer any information about my marriage, our finances, etc. I would encourage your wife to have a close relationship with her parents, but I would also encourage her to keep things that are part of your marriage to herself. When her parents see that they are losing control, I think they’ll back off a bit. Try to be patient and work together with your wife on this matter. You’re very lucky that they live 200 miles away - that’s definitely a plus for you! Best Wishes Mick!
i have been dealing with the same issues for about 5 years…took me about 4 before i decided to stop it… my mil calls my husband just to see whats up…normally during the day while he is working, and if he doesnt answer leaves a bitchy message…he works out of town in a demanding job and barely has time to call me so she decided its my fault he doesnt answer her 6 phone calls in 2 hours..which at times she has called me 6 times in 10 minutes because i was ignoring her..she likes to complain on how i ignore her everytime she calls, which i do sometimes but others i dont….she even called me from her neighbors phone… things will only get better if you put your foot down explain you need time to get your new family together … its the only way to deal, it most likely get ugly…i havnt talked to my mil for over a month and she doesnt call my husband as much, she does send shitty texts now and then..but trust me if you stay silent about it nothing will change and it will start to wear on your marriage..it has since we had our daughter but i stand my ground…good luck