degrade you, try to control you, but still want you to visit with them? After nearly 15 years of being perpetually slandered, discussed, interrogated, screamed at, and “strongly advised,” a final straw put me over the edge. Now instead of insulting me to my face or behind my back, the negative comments were spewed at my children as my inlaws told one my kids how they “felt about me,” and insisted that the child inform me. I was livid. This is too much. I confronted the inlaw and was told I was making a mountain out of a molehill.
My problem is my husband took a new job in the city where his parents live nearly a year ago. He moved in with them because with our mortgage, we could not afford the expense of rent. Now the MIL is cooking for him, doing his laundry, ironing his clothes, packing his lunch, and even cleaning the wax out of his ears. That is even fine with me. If she wants to do it -more power to her. My problem is the longer he stays there, the more he begins to sound like his parents. On a few occasions I’ve caught them eavesdropping on our phone conversations. Now they are furious because I don’t want to go to their house anymore. I don’t hinder them from seeing the kids, I just don’t want to be around them at all.
They started calling my parents, having other family members call my parents and me trying to make me join in on their family celebrations. I can’t for the life of me figure out why they want me to come over -knowing how much they dislike me. My husband says I need to just forgive them and honor them, but I want some peace. If it were a one time problem, I would feel differently, but after 14 years, I’ve had enough. What should I do?
P.S. They have treated my sister in law the same way, and she hasn’t spoken to them for years. Clearly the problem is not just me.
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Advice
6 Responses to “How do you handle inlaws that despise you–”
What should you do? Here is a list, because your marriage is doomed:
1. Tell your husband he has one month to move home, or the marriage is over. To be honest, I think your marriage is already over. Your DH will probably whine and cry that living on his own is too expensive. Ask him if he thinks a divorce lawyer would be even MORE expensive?
Cleaning out his ears? OMG!! Does she change his diapers? check how warm the formula is on her wrist? This is disgusting. It’s like your DH is HER husband, and he just laps it up! EWwwwwww.
2. Your ILs are toxic and it is now spilling over onto your children. Why in hades would you subject your children to this? You MIl screams vile things about you and INSISTS your children pass it on? That is abusive — read this again — THAT IS ABUSIVE (to your kids!) and you have no business allowing them to see her. Cut them off from your chldren. I think your children may thank you.
3. Cut off all contact with the disgusting hosebeast. Get caller ID, block their emails for your and your kids’ accounts.
4. The fact that your ILs are trying to involve other family members should tell you it’s all about “control.” They could care less if you live or die … but you’ve got the grandkids and they want control. I hope your family knows better than to get involved and in fact, they should be telling your ILs to get stuffed.
5. Forgive them? Not until they give you a real apology. Not a fake one. Honor them? Why should you when they have acted so dishonorably?
6. Your husband is probably going to give you grief - because THEY are giving HIM grief. His family, his problem - this should be your constant reply. Point out to your D(umbass)H that there are TWO names on your marriage license; his and yours. MIL’s name does not go on that piece of paper. She should stay the heck out of your marriage.
7. There are some books you could read: “Toxic In-laws” by Susan Forward, and “Emotional Incest” by Dr. Patricia Love.
8. One more thing … since your DH will not, YOU need to grow a spine and put your foot down.
- the shiksagoddess
Listen to Shiksa! Your marriage is already over hun, unless you can get your man to move out and get into some marriage counseling.
They need to be eliminated from both of your lives asap. Either he comes with you or he stays with them. End of story.
Once I stopped caring a fig about what my evil MIL did or thought about me, the better I felt. She always offers “favors” with many strings attached. I always say NO THANK YOU! She is evil and pushy and meddling. My children hate her and this is her own doing. Those of you lucky enough to have a MIL who ignores you — be happy for that. It is much better than having a meddling one with nutty advice. I just try to limit my contact with her and never let her with my children alone as she has so many crazy things to say to them. Sure, I am a “disrespectful” DIL but I am not pushed around or expected to do anything I don’t want to do or do not believe in doing. One day she will die, and I will have to pretend to be sad at the funeral!
Hi
firstly, don’t even try to handle them. Your husband is enjoying being her little boy again. He has to see he is a husband and a father. Couldn’t he take an apartment or even change his job. Could you move to be a family again? If you talk to him, make sure it is a face to face, no phones situation so his family cannot listen in.
You have woken up to what is happening to you. There is a point were being tolerant only serves to make it easy for them, take it from one who has found out the hard way. What do you want out of all of this, stake your claim
Good luck
Follow SIL’s example and DON’T Speak to those awful AWFUL people! MY GOD! Using your kids as messengers for those foul feelings? What is WRONG WITH THOSE PEOPLE!?!?!?!
CLeaning the wax out of his ears?!?!?! Is he an invalid?! Because come the *F* on!