Help

by Joy on 06/28 @ 1:12am

My husband and I lost our first baby. He died when I was almost six months along. I had to have labor induced. Under the laws of my state, he (my baby) had to be buried or cremated. My husband and I could not bear the thought of having his ashes around, so we opted to bury him. We wanted it private. While we did not say in so many words we only wanted family at the burial, we said we the we did not want put a notice in the paper and made it plain that we wanted no flowers or anything else.
The day of the burial my husband started getting calls from people that were coming to the burial. His mother sent out an email telling people when and where. Her story is that she did not think that anyone would come because she only asked for their prayers.
During my pregnancy, she kept saying that she would feel better if I did not do things the way I wanted to to them. I carefully researched my options and made my choices on the information that was available to me. My husband agreed with my choices after he read the articles, books and websites that I did. His mother read nothing.
Am I over reacting to be angry? I am trying very hard to let it go, but it rubbed salt in my wounds. These were not my friends, they were hers. These people did not call my husband to congratulate him on his first baby, nor did they call him to offer condolences when our baby died. But when their computer breaks, they have no qualms calling him day or night.

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5 Responses to “Help”

Jess said on 06/28/08 @ 11:19am

My heart goes out to you Joy, what your MIL did was heartless, rude and totally inexcusable.
When my cousin lost a baby my grandmother’s words of comfort were “Well at least you wont miss it because you didnt know it”… As it turned out my grandmother had lost a baby and was shown no sympathy or care therefore she kindly passed this on to another generation.
Whatever your MILs own situation may be, you deserved to grieve and say good-bye in your own way. Dont let her issues make you second-guess your emotions.
I wish you all the best

jrc said on 06/29/08 @ 8:20pm

Ah, Joy, bless your heart. I grieve for your loss and pray for the day when you can think of your little angel and smile.

Just a thought - could it be that, in the throes of her own grief, your MIL simply did something thoughtless, rather than calculated? You know, perhaps better than most, how precious family is.

All the best.

leefan said on 07/02/08 @ 2:34am

oh my goodness, what a horrible story! You are not overreacting to be angry, you have every rights to be angry. I am so sorry that this happened to you.

NotHappy said on 07/02/08 @ 7:51pm

Joy,
I am so so very sorry about your child. My heart aches for you. I have to say your MIL was WRONG in doing that, she has no right. I don’t understand where the MILs feel they have the right to get their noses into these things especially as sensitive as this. It was insensitive of her not to do as you and your husband wished. I pray you find some peace in your heart and life. God bless you!

shiksagoddess said on 07/03/08 @ 5:17pm

{{{JOY and JOY’S DH}}}In my worst nightmares, I cannot imagine what you are going through. I am so very, very sorry for your loss.

You are indeed allowed to be angry, as it is part of the grieving process. But, unless there are other issues you have not posted, I’m not sure if your anger at your MIL is totally warranted.

You posted:

“While we did not say in so many words we only wanted family at the burial, … and made it plain that we wanted no flowers or anything else.”

Grief affects everyone differently. If you didn’t “say in so many words” what your exact wishes were, how is your MIL to know? She was grieving too and probably called her friends because SHE needed them.

Only you can ultimately decide if your anger is misplaced. I hope you can find a good support group or counselor to work this out.

I wish you bright blessings on you, your DH and your angel in heaven.

- the shiksagoddess