Could someone please help me?? I have a very sweet MIL who does not meddle- she rarely even comes to visit, but I cannot figure out why I am starting to hate her so much. She has a close relationship with my husband and treats him like HE is her husband. She cannot make ANY decision without consulting him first. She has her own husband, but everyday she calls mine regarding something. Last week she was on vacation and she did not call my husband once, but on Saturday, when she got back, she called him 5 times and then again first thing on Sunday. I go through spurts where I am ok with it and then it drives me crazy. I have talked to my husband and he said that she really doesn’t call that much and he sees no harm in it. We go around and around and this has become a hot topic. I am very close to my mom and she suggests that I let them be. I would love any suggestions!
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Her name is Patricia. By day, she is Mrs. Corporate America, by night, she is an “Ann Landers” of sorts. Patricia is the founder of the internationally-recognized website, motherinlawhell.com.
Advice
4 Responses to “Help w/understanding why I hate MIL??”
Shelley,
If I were in your position (with what I know now after 15 years of marriage), I would try not to point out how wrong his mother is for what she’s doing. Don’t focus on her bad behavior. Just focus on what you need and want, regardless of whether what’s she’s doing is reasonable or not. For example: “I understand you think it is perfectly normal for a mother to call their son 5 times a day as though he was her best pal, but I believe it is crossing a boundary and hurting our marriage. I’ll be okay with 2 times a week.” And walk away, no discussion. You’ll just get yourself in a trap that you can’t get out of. You’re not telling him no, you’re not criticizing his mom, and you’re also not being a doormat. If you don’t say anything at all, it will fester like an untreated wound and get worse. But if you say too much, you may force him to take sides and sadly, I think right now he’ll take hers. He still thinks he needs her more than he needs you. Bottom line. Give him some time to grow up, see her unhealthiness with a growing, maturing perspective on what is healthy, become more devoted to you…. and THEN, when you think the time has come - lay it all out on the table. If things are really bad, and you trust that he’ll make the right choice, an ultimatum may have to be given. Just know, this is not going away. You see there’s a whole website devoted to it and it is NO coincidence that so many of us perfectly sane, reasonable, kind women can’t seem to get along with our hubbies’ mommies. But, there is hope. That is, if your hubby really loves you, he can be gently brought out of his brainwashed state. And if he can’t, maybe you could free him up so he could marry her instead. God help us mothers of boys that we don’t do this to our sons! Good luck 
I’m sorry to say, but you’re in a lose-lose situation that you have to handle carefully. Sounds like your hubby is enmeshed with his “mommy” and still needs her approval and control. He cannot see how unhealthy the relationship is and if you point it out to him, YOU’RE the bad guy, not his mom. You lose if you say nothing and put up with it (i.e.; permit it), and you lose if you call it all out to the surface. I don’t know how long you’ve been married, but I think this is a process that takes several years of marriage. It takes some time for you to see what’s happening, then another several years for the DH to see it, with your careful guidance
Shelley I have to say…what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. You said it yourself, you’re very close to your Mom, if neither of them try to interfere with your marriage, let it be.
You might be feeling some jealousy with him being attentive with his mother. Work through this because this will cause major problems for your marriage. I dont see anything wrong with a mother and son being close. It shows that your husband can have great relationships with women. But when the MIL starts problems by unwanted advice or just being nasty, then you have some real issues to contend with. From what you tell me, it doesnt appear to be the case. Be grateful you and your hubby have great relationships with your parents.
UM,,….why not ask the FIL “I hope you two are not having problems” and when he asks why you should ask that say “Well, I thought you were since MIL is always asking for DH advice on everyday things”. Then just let it lay there.