Mother-in-law Hell

Wow. I am so glad I found this web site. Let my preface by stating that I don’t think my mother-in-law is a bad person, however, I am getting tired of her game, and I am onto her…

First, a little back ground. I married the oldest of 7 siblings born to a single mom. I hate to admit this, but the entire family are mooches. I mean, they may be nice people, but they are NOT the most responsible. All of them had children out of wedlock, never married, and never furthered their education, and I can pretty much say that they all have trouble holding down a stready job. All of this is applicable to all of the siblings except my husband: He is the proverbial do-gooder. He is a college graduate, never been married before me, and has no kids. He is kind, responsible, and just an all-around stand-up man. The complete opposite of this siblings. I feel terrible characterizing them like this, as the way they choose to live their lives is not a crime, but what I have written above is true — it is what it is — and I need to explain everything as it all ties together.

My hubby has always been the person the person everyone in his family goes to for help when a crisis hits. And here is the primary reason why: my husband is a former NFL player, and upon signing his contract almost 20 years ago, bought a huge house for his mother, and all the siblings moved in rent-free; my husband bought them cars; helped fiance school payments (none of them graduated), etc. I think you get my drift…Well needless to say, my husband has practically gone broke supporting his family.

When I met him 4 years ago, he was already retired, and was not rich. That was fine with me because I loved him. Here’s another kicker: after he retired, he moved back to his home state where he lived for SEVERAL years with his mom and siblings AND their kids under THE SAME roof. He paid all the bills.

Of course I thought this was strange, but as I got to know him, I just figured it was a vicious cycle he couldn’t get out of, and I knew that once we got married, it would all change, as he was moving to my home state.

And that’s what happened when we got married last year. He sold the big house, and moved 500 miles away to my state. All the siblings had to find pleaces to live, and had to begin supporting themselves, which they bitch and complain about doing…My husband, meanwhile, is starting over in a second career, as he just obtained a second degree. Of course, because he is starting all over, he isn’t making much at all. I, on the other hand, have a very good job, and make more than twice as much as he does. I understood that I would be the breadwinner while he got his new biz underway, but I expected that even though he would be making significantly less, that he would still be able to contribute SOMETHING to the pot, so to speak.

Well, after 6 months, I never saw a dime. I know I made more, but, since I was paying all the bills, I thought he would offer to pay something, or offer to save something. I mean, every bit helps. And plus, it really bothered me that here I was making good money, but couldn’t afford to save anything because he wasn’t helping with the bills at all. I figured that although we have a pretty hefty mortgage payment, it would be nice to take advantage of this high-paying job while we don’t have any kids so that we can perhaps get ahead. (There is no way I plan on keeping this job when the kids come.) Let me stress that I am a supportive wife, but I grew very resentful that he supported his mom and sibblings for all these years, and here I was married to him, and he wasn’t helping out a bit! I couldn’t understand it. I grew more and more angry.

What is he doing with his money, I wondered. One day, it dawned on me, and I figured it out: I asked him if he was sending money back home, and he admitted he was. He reluctantly, and shamefully explained that he was paying his mothers bills!! He said it was only since one of his sisters lost her job, but I knew it had been happening all along. I sat there stunned. Then I calmly told him how I felt: I asked him, how are we to get a head if you are constantly putting them first? We want to start a family soon — and his siblings are bona fide adults with their own children. I know my husband is used to being the familial superman, and he can be quite a push-over, but I told him that the gravy train has got to stop. Plus, it’s not like he is even making the money he made in the NFL. Technically, he is giving his mom money at the expense of our future. He totally agreed and said he didn’t want to lose me because he knew I was seething. Was I mad enough to leave? Of course not, I LOVE him. However, I let him know how I felt.

Now, back to his Mom. While I blame my husband for allowing his family to use him like this, I also blame her for preying on his kindness, She is the type of woman who always plays the martyr. She is always talking about how she does this for her children, does that for the church…always “doing” for somebody else, “whoe is her.” But then, she actually complains about it so that people can “sympathize” with her, and my husband falls right into her trap.

Now, apparently, while she accepted money from my husband, she would say, “Oh, I don’t want to be a burden.”