I know this is long, but I am desperate for help! Let me first set the stage…I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. Yes, I did say boyfriend, but let me explain. Although we are not currently engaged, its definitely a possibility in the near future. My boyfriend and I met while in college and dated for a year. While I finished up college, we carried on a long-distance relationship for the next two and half years. Within the last year, I decided to apply for graduate school (physician assistant school) 6 hours away. This is where the fun begins. When I found out I got into my dream school, my ‘maybe future mother-in-law’ began building up hostility towards me. When I would come into town to visit, she would whisper to my boyfriend in front of me. She began backing me into the corner by asking me what I was going to do about our relationship and how I was going to pay for school. Let me insert an important point here…she never once congratulated me for being accepted into school. Once my boyfriend made the decision to move with me, I thought she would die. She began saying that we shouldn’t move out here together without a true commitment, because I was just going to use him to pay for my living expenses. She once again backed me into a corner and asked “what MY intentions were with her son.” However, never once did my boyfriend interject. The big day to move finally came and my boyfriend’s parents were helping. (Unfortunately, my mother had passed away 2 years prior and my father and sister were home preparing a high school graduation party for my brother.) After unpacking boxes in our new apartment all day, I woke up to whispering in my living room. (His parents left at 10pm, and I unpacked boxes until 4am). AND of course, it was my boyfriend’s mom, but I let it slide. This is how I was raised. As soon my boyfriend and his father left to return the moving van, she snapped, “I don’t like the way you are talking to my son.” I was absolutely dumbfounded. After asking her to repeat herself 2 more times, she began telling me how I don’t need to be so ungrateful, because my boyfriend is the one paying the bills. Then she proceeded to tell me to “get up and do something.” (I admit that I was being bossy, because I was tired and wanted everything situated. However, my boyfriend never said anything to me about me being bossy.) I also noticed how she was making a grocery list for us and a list of things we needed in our apartment without even telling us. He is 26 and I am 24! They ended up leaving a day early apparently due to this episode. I felt bad for what happened but was tired of getting walked all over. SO I sent his mom a letter in the mail telling her I was sorry for the way everything panned out. I admitted my faults of being independent and not being used to the help. In addition, I told her that I was disappointed that they don’t show me love, support, or encouragement, but I was hoping we could move on and form a good relationship. I had my boyfriend and my older sister read the letter—they approved. When she received the letter she was astonished and cried. She couldn’t believe I was finally speaking up (I guess). About three weeks later, we had to stay at his parent’s house for a wedding in my boyfriend’s hometown. I decided to talk to his mom again, because I thought maybe the letter was too harsh. I tried to see her point of view, but never once did she try to see mine. She said that I would never be a part of their family until the day that my boyfriend and I got married. She also said the reason why I acted like I did was because I was upset my mom wasn’t there. (Did she really just go there?) Not only this, she is extremely critical of me. She is constantly throwing the money thing in my face and she is telling people that he isn’t happy out here when she doesn’t even know. Now, I am to the point that I have so much animosity built up for his mom that I don’t ever want to see her. About 90% of mine and my boyfriend’s fights are about her, and he never sticks up for me or even tries to stand in my shoes. He just makes excuses for her. It is causing problems in our relationship, because we are constantly fighting about it (mostly initiated by me) since he never does anything about it. I understand that it is his mom, and he doesn’t want to always hear me talking about her. I also know that she is sad that he has moved away and is growing up. But when is enough enough? I feel that she is consuming my thoughts and that I am not good enough for her son. Its really getting to me. How am I ever supposed to tolerate her? Is it worth staying with my boyfriend? If so, what should I do? If its me who’s crazy, let me know!
This post was submitted by Jessica.
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10:09 pm
Jessica
Nothing is ever going to change. If he doesn’t stand up for you now, he’s not going to stand up for you later.
1:02 am
I disagree with Pink….It took my boyfriend nearly two years before he would even meekly tell his mother to get off of my case…And taht was because I kept telling him that marriage wasnt even a possibility until he stood up for me every now and again.
What I did may have been harsh…but it was true I would not marry him unless he grew the balls to stand up for the women he “loved” Now his mother at least treats me civilly because he said he will not talk with her unless she stops making me feel unwanted.
Perhaps you should keep talking to him about this situation and MAKE him understand…But if you know he’ll never change then maybe it’d be best to leave now before you get hurt anymore…Its really your call.
Best of luck to you.
5:13 am
If you ever do decide to get married, get some marriage counseling with someone who specializes in in-law relationships should be prerequisite. You have a mama’s boy. He will never stand up for you and will continue to throw you under the bus to appease mommy unless he grows a spine.
7:54 am
wow I went through the same thing. I was in a relationship with a guy for 3 yrs and 1 and half of those yrs we were engaged. 3 weeks before our wedding he broke it off with me because of his mother. everything you said about her reminds me of his mother. I did everything for this guy and even moved to his country, (yes i have experienced the long distance thing too). His mom began telling lies to him about how i acted or what i said to her, he never took my side. I think now that he was probably still drinking her breast milk so to speak. the worst thing really was not his mother, even though she succeeded in breaking us up because i was not good enough for her or Italian enough, since I am not Italian at all… anyways the worst thing was my ex-fiance never stood up for me. He was suppose to be the only person in the whole world to be on my side no matter what. He proved to me that I was not his number one, his mother was, even though he was my number one he wouldn’t get balls and ask his mother to butt out and let her know he was not a child… anyways I gave him a choice either have a relationship with me being number one or his mommy, and he picked his mommy. we could of all been happy if everyone was playing there roll, him and me being a unit and his mom a loving parent still who would only give her advice or opinion when we asked for it. thats all i got to say for now… hope she cuts the cord from him and lets him be a man.
5:58 am
Thanks for all the replies! Mommy and daddy are coming into town this week for a visit SOOOOO…we will see how everything goes. I think this week will be the deciding factor for me. After 5 months of being away from her baby, she needs to open a new life chapter. As for him and the many discussions, we’ll see how he stands up to her. Wish me luck!
6:49 am
Jessica-you have to learn how to fight fire with fire. My MIL is a bitch from hell, and my husband only saw it when I stopped talking about her. She wants to make you upset. Don’t ever let her make you mad. Try to pretnd that she’s actually mentally ill, and that you feel sorry for her. Nothing that she says matters, so there is no sense in even dignifying it. There are things that you can do for your BF that she can’t, if you know what I mean. Concentrate on your relationship, do things to solidify your bond, and act like she doesn’t exist. If she says something rude to you, just leave the room or strike up a conversation with someone else. Then when she is forced to complain about you to your BF, he will get sick of hearing about it and give her the same “Leave me out of it” treatment that he’s been giving you. And you can screw with her, being that she lives out of town. Turn his cell ringer off at a time when you know she calls. Delete her messages. Make fun plans to do things on the weekends, so he spends as little time as possible with her. Remember-she wants you 2 to fight. No matter what she does, never argue with your BF. YOU DON’T CARE. Her opinion is worthless, and your BF really doesn’t take much stock in it anyways, or he wouldn’t have moved in with you. Take it from me…killing the mother in law with kindness drives them crazy. At this point in my marriage, I am the one to drag my husband to visit my MIL once a month, because he knows what a manipulative old wig wearing beast she is. She has tried almost everything, and the only way I won was by turning the tables and playing the victim, never bringing her up. Your BF will feel much less required to defend her when you don’t even notice how evil she is, let alone bring it to his attention.
7:33 am
Good Luck Jessica!!
Personally, my husband didn’t grow balls until I was putting on my shoes and grabbing my keys b/c I had had enough, and was done with the arguing and trying to get him to stand up for me, all of a sudden, he put his foot down, and wow, problem practically stopped altogether! (mine was a problem with his sibling). (I just wish I would’ve put my foot down at the onset of the problem and demanded he either stand up for me or I’m outta here!)
I think sometimes, they have to see that it is serious enough of a problem that we are to the point of walking out on the relationship before they do something about it. And if he still doens’t, then it says where you rate, and best advise, leave him while you are still young!
It’s sad to say, but I still have some resentment towards my hubby for not just standing up for me on his own, b/c it felt like he didn’t love me enough to just not want someone to belittle and disrepect me, like he didn’t care until I was ready to leave. I can still vividly recall that loss of respect for him I felt that day that I was ready to leave. I know I would never allow someone in my family to disrepect him, and he wouldn’t have to ask me to defend him.
But anyways, I hope your b/f will stand up for you and prove to you that he is worthy of being your b/f, if not LEAVE!!!! GOOD LUCK
8:14 am
Jessica,
Your boyfriend has to change if you plan to marry him. It’s his responsibility to talk to her..not yours. He has to cut the cord. He must must stand up for you. If you ever decide to have children with him, that is a whole new ball game. There is no telling how she will act. If your boyfriend won’t listen to you and take you seriously with this issue, are you willing to live with that for the rest of your life?
9:54 pm
OMG. You really have to decided if it is worth it. People saying let him see your way but I have done that and he has stood up to her but his mom just has this rap over him. He did see my way, after I left him. We got back together. But MILs have a way of getting back into their lives. Now we have a baby and she’s back and worse than ever. It only gets worst when you have KIDS!! I did the letter thing, she twisted my words when she tolled his family. So really think if you are willing to put on a happy face every time you see her. When you ever decided to have kids are you willing or ready to go thru it. Because they will be a time when he says let or can my mom keep the baby for the weekend. Are you willing to give in knowing something will be said about you. I’ve been with my husband for 7 years and I’m to the point I keep the peace by keeping out of their relationship. Like this weekend, my daughter and him are going out of town to go see her and I am at home. I decided not to go and let them enjoy their visit. It’s a hard decision to make. Good Luck
5:57 pm
Wait, Is his mother paying for any of your expenses?
No?
Then it’s none of her business how you pay for your bills. If her son is paying your bills that is his deal not hers.
Let’s face it, true love is whose crap you are willing to put up with. None of us can tel you what to do, you have to make that decission.
But if it were me and we were not married, I’d be GONE!