Hi All-
Well here goes my story. My Husband and I have been together for 10 years - married for almost 5. My MIL is someone that no matter what you do (jumping through hoops still wouldn’t help!)you will never please her. Let’s go back… My husband and I are HS sweethearts, when we were dating she thought that we were “just friends” even though we had been dating exclusively for over 3 years when she made that statement. While we were dating she was “OK” or “Tolerable” to be around, but was one that you couldn’t get close to - she wouldn’t let you. She is and was emotionally blank/abnormal, anytime that you would express any emotion she would be or do the opposite. One example was when my Mother was so ill (she had 3 major surgeries in less than 5 days)and was ultimately fighting for her life. I was going to school full time and working full time(stressful in it self)so with the added stress of my Mother I decided to take a leave of absence from school. My MIL’s reaction was “I knew that you would never finish school, so what do you plan on doing for the rest of your life?” I didn’t get “I totally understand, is there anything that I can help you or your family with during this time”, not even a hug or any NORMAL emotional sign that she cared - NOTHING at all! She was/is just a cold and hate-filled woman. So when my husband told her that he had asked me to marry him she EXPLODED emotionally (I’m not kidding)-she screamed that “how could we and that my husband hadn’t dated enough to know what real love is”,she then stormed out of the house, peeled out of the driveway and was gone for over an hour. That reaction would make anyone want to be part of that family right? His Father and siblings were so excited for us as well as extremely embarrased by my MIL’s actions(no apology was ever given for her behavior by either her or my FIL),but I was(& still am of course) so in love with my husband that I just pushed how I felt about her and her actions/reactions a side. My husbands childhood is also a telltale account of her bizare behavior, but he and his siblings were not allowed to question her(she would always accuse before asking and never apologize for wrongfully accusing someone) or her behavior (really healthy behavior for a child, huh?!). When trying to go to his Father for advise he would be told “how dare you think that this discussion is over and never happened”.This reaction from his Father was not just for issues with his mother, it was the programmed answer for anything that was of a touchy subject, you could only imagine. So you might think “how can this guy be normal or even mentally healthy?” Well he IS and I chuck it up to the fact that he is a very strong person and that God had a MAJOR role in is development - not his parents.
We were married, and she tried to control every aspect of that day even down to how I wore my veil. I just let it go and enjoyed MY/OUR special day and enjoyed sharing it with those whom we love. My MIL meddled with our lives from day one, it made our first year of marriage even tougher. She would call at all hours and make sure that we were going to some family function, or to their house for dinner/visit, or during the holidays that we were to see both her parents, my FIL’s parents and then them of course - she didn’t care about my family and how we felt. She would even tell other family members that we were coming, before we knew that something was going on. The sad thing is that we followed along with her controlling garbage for that first year. I always had questioned my husband about “why were we giving in to her or doing what she wanted all the time”, he was torn because even though he didn’t want anything to do with them -they were still his parents. So I went along for his sake/happiness.
We then found out we were expecting- we had been trying for almost 8 months and were so EXCITED to finally have a family of our own. Here are some of the moments that led to the final draw. We called his parents, both of us were on a phone so that we could talk at the same time,and told them that we were pregnant. My MIL SCREAMED for what seemed like forever(we had to pull the phone away from our ears) and then threw the phone down. She then stated “I can’t wait to hold MY bundle of joy” - Yes, you did hear right she said MY. Her reaction was as if we had told her she was pregnant, she just made that moment horrible. Then over the course of my early to mid pregnancy she would call(as always anytime) and want to know how “the baby was” not how We were. She then wanted to come to our first OBGYN appt,(she did not - we both would not allow it)to she HER bundle of joy. We showed her pictures of our 1st ultrasound - she wanted to copy them or keep them - we said NO. She then insisted that we email her with EVERY ultrasound photo for the remainder of the pregnancy. We had ignored her requests for a while but she then became so overbareing(making us both stressed beyond belief), so my husband gave in and sent her two pics when I was around 25 wks along. Guess what her response was “Where are the rest?” no thank you I greatly appreciate you letting me share this with you - she made me ill. Then she had to throw me a baby shower (even though MY MOM was already inviting her family to one big one) she made my Mom change her plans/guest list and even the date to accommodate what she wanted! After my two baby showers she had invited herself over to “help get the nursery ready”. My husband and I THANK GOD had 95% of it done, we wanted it to be our special project together without anyone else. Usually when someone asks to help an expecting couple they ask to cook or clean, run errands not work on YOUR BABY’S nursery. I had just finished washing all of the new baby clothes, folded them, and put them away. She came into the nursery without asking us and started to go through everything - she had eventually taken out over 60% of the clothing to “look at it, hold it and smell it” - it made me cringe!
That was literally the last draw for me and my husband. We decided to confront my MIL and FIL and tell them how we truly felt - open and honestly with respect. Their reaction was to respond to us with vulgar language (calling both of us everything in the book) as well as verbally threatening us. This “discussion” took place on 6 separate occasions over the course of almost 2 years. With every meeting getting worse (and boundaries shattered), they even asked to go out to dinner and talk. We would accept thinking that they wouldn’t dare in public - we were wrong. Once our son was born I didn’t even want them to come to the hospital,(my MIL said that she would camp out to be in the delivery room - we didn’t tell them the date that we were to deliver so that she would have no chance in taking anything away from us) we waited until the last day before discharging us for them to see him (so that they wouldn’t come to our home). My MIL is so SELFISH that when she came to see our son for the first time she just started snapping pictures and pulled out the video camera - didn’t even ask if it was ok (we hadn’t had a chance to video tape him yet because he was in the NICU for 90% of his hospitalization - we were just trying to get our son healthy and keep a positive and healthy additude in a time of such mixed emotions). When we took our son for his first professional pics we gave her one of the first pictures - she went and had illegal copies made and sent them to all of OUR friends and family (36 hours after we gave her one of the first copies)before we even had the chance to send them out ourselves - WE ARE HIS PARENTS NOT THEM.
Well as you can see my story can go on FOREVER. She/they have done so many things that trying to keep track is near impossible & I don’t want to. Currently I haven’t seen them in 10 1/2 months, my husband in 11 months and our son 6 months (an other story my MOM ran into my MIL & FIL while watching our son and thought that she could help the situation -it only made things worse!!!!). We have spoken on the phone less than a hand full of times. Like I stated before they ( MIL & FIL) would call at all hours we had to get caller ID to screen our calls because of their harassment. They continue to slander us to friends and family telling them that we with hold our son from them for no reason, as well as tell horrible stories about us. My question to you all out there -should we try AGAIN to talk with them - we have ALWAYS initiated every talk/meeting with them and given them RESPECT - event though we have never received it from them. We wanted to work on fixing/mending past hurts but it just seems that the future is nowhere in site. I hate to admit this but we are so much happier, less stressed, and have become a much more closer couple and family since leaving them out of the picture - it’s sad but true! We are also trying to conceive again and my husband doesn’t want them to know at all when it happens,even when we have the baby. He is at a point where he wants to cut ALL ties with them. I know that you are supposed to forgive and forget, I have already forgiven them but I’m having trouble forgetting. My husband, I don’t think will ever be able to forgive them for everything that they have done to him and to us as a family - maybe over time. I know that my son will one day ask about Daddy’s parents and when he is old enough We will address that hurdle then. My husband doesn’t want our son subjected to their horrible behavior and in his words “mental illness” so that he won’t go through the pain and roller coaster ride of emotions that my husband went through.
I APPRECIATE you reading my novel and for all of your comments and input and if you have a similar situation please feel free to share. Knowing that I am not alone makes dealing with the “In-laws from hell” much more easier.
This post was submitted by Natty.
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5:46 pm
Hey there.
What a shocking story oh my goodness. It was the good place to write it.. I really hope this won’t happen if I ever get pregnant but unfortenately I think something like that will happen. Nevertheless I’m so happy to read that your husband and you have 1 front together! Really good and thats how it should be. I agree that you do not have contact with them for now, and you know what I won’t even try to get contact again either not untill at least all of your babies will be born and are bit older. Sounds sad like you wrote but if its the only way that you can have a loving and harmfull live go for it and then its well worth it. And everything will be fine as long as you and your husband are on one line. Goodluck with everything but don’t bother now so much anymore enjoy your parentship!
10:40 am
Isn’t it crazy how something so wonderful (your little boy) can be the catalyst for such insanity? Your story is very similar to mine after the baby. What is wrong with these women? They had their chance to raise their children… now they need to back the heck off and let us raise ours. Thank the Lord that they did away with “grandparent’s rights”!
8:03 pm
Don’t try again with them until they make an effort to respect your boundaries and rights to raise your own children. Have you even gotten an apology for their crazy behavior? If not, then let it go.
You’ve received a blessing by having a husband that is willing to cut off his crazy a$$ parents. This woman is trying to replace you as the mother of your child. I don’t think it will ever change because she sounds like an absolute nutter. Just let it go. If they ever apologize and start respecting your marriage and your family, then maybe you could have a relationship but this woman seems intent on crossing every healthy boundary there is. That is no way to live.
7:27 pm
If he wants to cut them off then so be it! Surrond yourself and your children with people that love you and respect you…whether those people share the same blood line as you or not! Consider it a blessing that your husband is one of the few men out there that accepts that his mother hurts your family and values the true family (you, him, and children).
5:05 pm
I think we have the same mother in law. I just found this sight so please bear with me. I have alot of pent up anger. First thank your lucky stars you have your husbands support. I did not. I have been married for 19 years with two boys 16 & 17. My mother in law is controlling & 100% Italian (lovely combination don’t you think?). I married her first born then gave birth to her first grandson. So far I haven’t been able to do anything right. I don’t think you will be able to either. She has almost caused divorce between us. EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT!!!!!!! Her and her children are perfect! Everything is about what I should do to make everybody happy but nobody has to do anything for me. To make her daughter happy she does everything for her and her children. I on the other hand was supposed to instill upon my children how much she loves them without her having to even spend time with them. She always had time for her daughters kids. Anyway, I’m going on and on. One day I will post my own story. In my opinion and my experiences no grandparents are better than lousy controlling grandparents. Your husband is right in wanting to shield them. As it stands right now, My children don’t even like their grandparents. Chose not to spend anytime with them. The only time they really see them is when a gift is invloved. VERY SAD! I am the one that has to deal with the hurt they have instilled in them. They have been treated like second class citizens and this has been thrown in their faces. She will purposely tell them things she does for the others and not for them. IT HURTS THEM! Whatever you need to tell them later on in life is better than making them live it. Whatever you feel about your inlaws your children will grow up and figure it out themselves. Raise your children in your warm loving home, make sure to educate them on people like your inlaws, then later they can make up their own mind about them. PEOPLE LIKE YOUR INLAWS DIG THEIR OWN GRAVES! My inlaws have 4 children and 6 grandchildren and rarely have family for the holidays. My children were taught that it was Grandma’s choice wether she spent time with them now its their choice whether or not they spend time with her. They mainly chose not to. My mother in law actually had the nerve to tell me she was to busy for my children. Had plenty of time for her daughters though.CONTROL IS NOT LOVE!!!!!!!!!
10:40 pm
Hi Everyone,
Thank you for all of your input I truly appreciate everything. We both know that they will never change, and that this is the end of the line with our relationship with them. The only thing that I am worried about is that they might try something. I know that they have no legal rights to him, “BEING A GRANDPARENT IS A PRIVILAGE NOT A RIGHT”! But can they try something legally that I am not aware of? They are very sneaky and would do ANYTHING to benefit them no matter who they hurt. I told my husband that I have a feeling that they are going to do something before the holidays are in full swing. He told me that we are only celebrating the holidays with OUR family (the three of us)and those whom we want to! I just feel that something is going to happen, a huge blow out from them at us. They have already gone to my husbands work wanting to “TALK” this was 5 weeks ago, and have called like I stated numerous times at all hours to “TALK” again. I just don’t think that I can take them anymore. I think my husband will have to say something to end it officially. If you all have any other info or thoughts I would greatly appreciate it!
Thanks Again - Natty
7:10 pm
Hi Natty, it’s tired of it. In my opinion your main proplem is control. Try wikihow.com about controlling people. It’s very interesting reading. Let your husband decide how to handle his parents. Any input from you will end up in making you look like the controller. This happened to me. It has to be his decision for he will have to live with it and deal with the problems later. Yes it sounds like you will have problems. Controlling people will do anything to keep and maintain control. My husband asked me what I would do if his parents came after me legally. I replied to let the them and I would fight them to the end. It was never brought up again. Let me explain what happened to me. It wasn’t that my mother in law did not love her grandchildren and did not want to see them. SHE wanted them when SHE wanted them. Usually it was when she was babysitting my SIL kids to give them something to do. My SIL kids liked playing with mine. She rarely babysat for us. Let me add that my SIL is just like her mother CONTROLLING! Here is a classic example of what I personally was enduring. First off my MIL is a RN. When my son was sick when he was small I made a doctors appointment for him. The next day I decided he did not need to go. My husband had told her about it and dhe called me up and told me we were going anyway. Well we went and she completely took over the appointment! I could not get a word in at all. I ended up storming out of the office. We didn’t speak for three monthes over this. By the way he had the flu and the doctor could do nothing for him. Okay here comes the kicker. Acouple of years later my SIL was having a party for her son that adored mine. My son ended up with strep throat. My MIL called to demand that we go ( by that time I had started to try to stay away from them as much as possible) so I told her that my husband was going with our youngest and that I would be staying home with other. Well I got another phone call from MIL stating that SIL said it was okay to bring him! I didn’t recall asking if he could go anyways. The poor child hadn’t even been on antibiotcs for 24 hours. THis is from a a grandparent that told me she has all of her grandchildrens best interest at heart! My point of this is that she turned me into the controller to shield my children from their hurtfullness. And of course it was thrown back into my face later on. She used me as a go between her and her son so that everything was my fault and her son was still perfect in her eyes and she still could feel in control of him. SUPPORT your husbands decisions but let him make them. Be prepared to be cut down about your parenting marriage and anything else they can come up with to whoever they can tell it to. They will do anything they can to make your life a living h***. Stand your ground and don’t let them get to you. Eventually they will give up. One more thing, try not to let them worry you. In doing this they are still controlling you.
12:40 am
Amazing… is there a name for what’s wrong with her?
I think “trying” is the wrong approach.
This woman is a drama queen and an attention whore…
You need to stop “trying” and put her at the end of the list where she belongs. She is getting exactly what she wants, which is attention… can you say drama queen???
There should be clearly defined boundaries and timelines.
Have you ever watched the show, the Nanny?
A great primer on how to deal with this overgrown child!!!
When she gets the cold shoulder enough, or no reaction, or a “Sorry but call when you can act like an adult” and hang up, or is the last to know enough, maybe she will figure it out… probably not, but at least your lives will be a lot more peaceful!!!
6:27 pm
“we are so much happier, less stressed, and have become a much more closer couple and family since leaving them out of the picture ”
I think you have your answer doll.
Enjoy the love of your family.
8:48 am
Hi Everyone,
Well the saga continues! My In laws are harassing my Husband again, at work(they have come into his work 4 times in the last 2 weeks) and calling his cell ALL THE TIME. Just today we received a call from his grandfather (MIL father) stating “we haven’t heard or seen you in, well can’t remember, are you even alive, we expect a phone call back as soon as you get this” then he hung up. His Grandfather is a strange man, but this is not like him. We think that MIL and FIL are using them to try to get info out of us. Our problem isn’t with the Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles etc., but what should we do? I am sick of all the damn games, lies, stories, and everything/anything to do with them for that matter. My Husband feels the same way, but he is torn in how to deal with his grandfather. Should he call him back to spite his Mother always saying “We NEVER return ANYONE’S phone calls” or should we just ignore his call as well? My husband thinks that in order to get our point across that we are finished with them, we have to keep the rest of the family out as well. 75% of me thinks that we should do that while the other 25% says that they aren’t the problem, just his parents are the problem. But my Husband thinks that they (his grandparents) feel the same way as his parents do/or that they are siding with his parents since that is their daughter. Like I said before I/We are done with them and everything/everyone that associates with them. It’s stressing us both out and that is not a conducive environment for trying to get pregnant again! We don’t need the stress. What do you all think, should we close the door on everyone or just his parents? Again thank you for all of your input and support, I greatly appreciate it!
- Natty
8:04 am
Hi Everyone,
My Husband has ended his relationship with his family. I can’t believe that he did it, I wasn’t expecting it. He called his father last week and had told him not to call, write, text, show up to our home/work, and leave us alone. Earlier in the week my husband had received yet another voice mail wanting to know if we were coming over and then it went into another vulgar message that I can’t mention. My Husband finally couldn’t ignore their comments any more. He called his father on a break at work and then called me to let me know what had happened. Later that evening I received a text from my brother in law telling me “what you did was crap”(except it was written with different language). My husband received a voice mail from his brother telling him that “how could you do this, mom is freaking out right now saying her life is over, and you are so ____ up, these are your parents you know”. My Husband called his brother back and asked what was going on and that whatever happened was between him and his parents and that he had nothing to do with it, but was sorry if parents drug him into it! His brother just stated that why would he end the relationship that his parents had been trying to work at it - if you call work at it leaving harassing voice mails or text messages, slandering our family to others, and bringing my Husbands siblings into the situation - I don’t think so. My Husbands response was “its two years too late, if they wanted to fix the situation they would have done so immediately, as well as said I’m sorry so that we could move forward, but they chose not to!” Their conversation ended shortly after what my husband said. The sad thing is that now his siblings have decided to join his parents (even though they had nothing to do with it, and previously had supported us and agreed that their parents had overstepped their boundaries)and I think that they all believe that I was the one behind my Husbands phone call, even though I didn’t know he was going to do it. My Husband has been questioning his call and that he wished that there could have been another way. He also can’t believe that he has potentially lost his siblings over what he thought they all agreed with, but knows that if they agree with his parents that they too would not have been able to have a healthy relationship. I know that what “Tired of it” said is true (If I let what they did/do bother me they still have control)but it is hard right now because I feel that they think that everything that happened was because of me. Even though my husband was the one who always initiated the conversations with his parents and was the one to make decisions regarding our situation with them. I know that he still loves them in some way and is probably hurting for the loss of the relationship(even though it was a VERY ABUSIVE one). Has anyone ended their parents or in-laws relationship with their family and do you have any input? I’m sorry that my entries get to be so long, but they are a way for me to put my feelings down on paper (so to speak) and try to make sense of them. I appreciate anyone and everyone reading my story and if you have any comments or personal experiences that can help I thank you in advance!
- Natty