Mother-in-law Hell

this is happening to me as well…

I am sorry you are in this situation. I am on the other side. I found it encouraging that you say you love her. I really think the best thing to do would be to talk to your son first of all and ask if something occured that you may not have realized and ask him for an honest explanation of why you are not permitted to see your grandchild. Then-really listen- even if it hurts- and attempt to make amends for whatever it is.

It isn’t just your DIL making these decisions, it is your son too. It is easy to pass the painful things on to her but perhaps your son also has made this decision. You must find out why.

From my end, my MIL is very controlling and demanding and it has gotten destructive to our marriage to have her always in between. My husband is not a good communicator- an ostrich realy and passive- therefore, the conflicts have fallen on to my shoulders and I have bcome the bad guy. I am a very good, committed mother and a solid person. After enough personal attacks and vindictive behaviors, I made a decision to create some boundaries and keep our lives happier and more sane. My husband appreciates the space and doesn’t seem to mind me being the bad guy. It gets him off the hook, I suppose. I am a mild mannered, non confrontational good person who needed to protect my well being and that of my children’s by keeping out the constant negative circumstances. They don’t see our kids much because they cannot respect us as parents and see us as non-essential and the children their “rights” rather than perhaps their privilage.

As you know, mothers play a strong role in a families life and if she doesn’t see you as a healthy and positive contributor to her family, she will do what she thinks is best for her, her husband and her children. If that means keeping you away, she may do that.

If someone would have sat down with me and asked me “What can i do to make things better?” and then listened, they would be in our lives today. We can always use help, not demands. We don’t need criticism, we need support. You must listen, listen, listen. It is their time now and their family.

i wish you much luck.

Hmmmm. I guess I find it hard to believe that your DIL, spontaneously and without provocation, decided to hold your grandchild “hostage”. You’ll need to get to the bottom of her feelings by asking her or your son why they feel this way. If you’ve done something to offend her, or hurt her feelings, then a simple apology can do wonders. If she and your son have made a decision that your values are incompatible with theirs, or that you are, in some way, “unsafe” with the child, then it likely won’t change and you’ll have to learn to accept that reality. Good luck. My MIL “prays” for us, too, but prayers haven’t healed the wounds she inflicted when she called me immoral, boycotted my wedding shower, left our wedding early, failed to acknowledge my 8 year old daughter as a member of the family for more than a year, didn’t do one thing to be helpful to me while I was sick my entire pregnancy with her grandson etc… She, too, struggles to understand why things are the way they are and has limited into her behaviors and how they have impacted others. Good luck.

I agree with Sainty. You must take an honest look at yourself and decide now is it worth being right or worth getting to know your son and his family. You may have to aknowledge uncomfortable issues within yourself. My in-laws do not aknowledge any wrong doing although there has been plenty. It’s easier to just blame the outsider and walk away feeling they were cheated. I suspect they also pray for answers but the truth is, when we tell them exaclty why we keep the kids out of their lives, they just deny it and do nothing to change.

Similar things as Sainty: domineering wedding and holiday plans, personal attacks on me when she hasn’t gotten her way, dividing behaviors between my husband and me, not respecting our wishes with our children, not respecting the word “no” with us and our children, being controlling and demanding with my husband- and the list goes on.

The biggest issue is different values and lack of respect for our authority and wishes as a couple and a family. We must and will come first as well as the sanctity of our marriage. We owe that to our children-a nd I think they do too if they want to be good grandparents.

Best wishes

I feel for you and I can imagine the situation is difficult all the way around, for you, your grandchild and for them. As for me our situation is frustrating we deal with problems from former M/FIL. We gave them great latitude with their grandson when we first got married, however they broke faith not only with us but with thier grandchild. They began using the alone time they had with our son, I adopted him. To trash us and he would come home so afraid. We got him counseling. The counselor told us that sometimes parents have to stand in the gap for the child. So we have. We set boundaries. They can see their grandson as long as we are with him. This makes them angry. They only want him alone or they cut their visits short. Our son is young. Too young to handle them alone. When we are together with him and them, he is so happy. Things will not be changing because we are doing the right thing. What would happen if they decided to be adults too? Maybe they could have that alone time back that they so long for. But until we see them act older than our son they will be held in check.

I’ve made the choice as well to not let my mil or fil see my son. me and his dad fuss about this constantly. My mil and fil were never happy about our union or our child. They have disrespected me numerous amount of times.I had my baby early and he was on a ventilator for 3 weeks!!!! My whole pregnancy was stress. Now that he is here they put on their game faces, but I know better. You are telling us your side, but we have yet to hear hers. My mil always smiled in my face, put up a front and when she had a chance to show her true feelings she did. They are mad at me because after his infant daughter died with his ex, I met him and he wanted to be with me. We got engaged and pregnant and oh were they pissed!!!! I guess that was part of their grief so they put me through hell. I am pregnant again, and I told him don’t say anything. They will hear of a baby for the holidays and maybe that will stir up their engines again, but I don’t care. Kids are blessings not something you should regret especially if you lost a grandkid, Duh. ANYWAYS MOST DIL WOULD LOVE FOR MILS TO GLOAT OVER THEIR BABIES NOT KEEP THEM FROM THEM. THAT IS A DRASTIC MEASURE, WHAT REALLY HAPPENED THAT YOU ARE NOT SHARING MUST BE BETTER OFF NOT SAID BECAUSE WHAT YOU PRESENTED TO US WAS A SWEET MIL NOT SOMEONE WHO SHOULDN’T SEE THEIR GRANDKIDS!!!

P.S MY MIL CALLED ME A REBOUND AND LET HER TEE AGE DAUGHTERS DISRESPECT ME AND MY KIDS, DISRESPECT MY SON (THEIR NEPHEW) PUT THE DECEASED CHILD ON A IMAGINARY PEDESTAL NUMEROUS AMOUNT OF TIMES WHEN ME AND HIS DAD GOT INTO IT AND WERE ON THE VERGE OF SPLITTING UP. I FELT THEY WERE ROBBING MY SON OF A WHOLE FAMILY!!!!STILL HUNG UP ON HIS EX I GUESS!!!!I hope this helps. You have to find out what you did to offend her and really mean it. She will know if you are genuine or if acting just to see your grandkid (happened to me once ouch!)good luck

A very important thing we all need to remember is: not all MIL’s are alike. Most likely we all will be one someday. Most MIL’s started out being a DIL.

I know for a fact there are DIL’s/Ex-DIL’s out there that hold back their children for no other reason other than they are mean spirited. We all know someone like this, don’t we? (not necessarily a DIL yet) They need to remember what comes around goes around. One day they may have a grandchild kept away from them.

Please don’t take this the wrong way, I’m all for not allowing the sicko MIL’S around the children.

d, I feel for you and hope things work out for the best.

D. My DIL has been doing the same thing!! I try to plead my case to my son, finally he is bringing my grandson and himself around more. When they were separated and divorced for about a month. I saw him all the time. Then they got back-2-gether, kudos for them trying again. But, I suffer needlessly. I haven’t done anything to deserve the stuff that has been dished out. I wasn’t invited last month to my grandson’s 3rd B-day. I hope she doesn’t have to go thru what she is putting me thru in the future. She is a DIL today and MIL in the future. I am a DIL,SIL,and MIL. I have grown to become a very hurt and frustrated MIL. I have a good relationship with my MIL. I have come to the conclusion that maybe she is embarrassed about her behavior regarding the abrupt divorce and then the even quicker re-marriage. Who has a clue at this point!!Maybe we have to all sit down and put it all on the table. Some things you have to confront head on. I feel this is in my future, maybe it will help, at this point I don’t think it would hurt, I am already suffering, not getting to see my son and grandson and from not being all together, that includes my DIL, like a family should! Good luck and lots of prayer for you and your family!!

I’m in a similar situation with my MIL and FIL. I have two children, and while MIL and FIL were never accepting of me, I still allowed them to have a relationship with my first child. Instead of respecting my position as the mother, they ignored the rules that I had for my child (fed my exclusively breastfed child formula “because your milk isn’t enough”, geve my child peanut butter at 8 months old). The final straw was when I saw my MIL getting into her car with my child to drive over to her friend’s house without putting my child in his car seat. At that point, I determined it was unsafe for my child to be around them, and they haven’t seen them again. It’s a parent’s right to determine who their child associates with, and it’s a grandparent’s privilege to be a part of that child’s life. I think, somewhere, people forgot that.