Mother-in-law Hell

OK, I have to relieve some STRESS! This posting is going to be EXTREMELY LONG (longer than any I have read on these sites so far!) and I thank all of you who choose to take the time to read it threw. I need some serious advice to guide me here. I am completely willing to take blame, understand when I have been at fault if someone helps me to see it etc., but in my situation, I honestly don’t think it is me! I have been reading posts from many different sites about horrible MIL’s, and the more I read, the more I believe that I am not imaging things and it is NOT my fault! Anyhow, after saying that, I will take a deep breath and begin hammering out my story in the hopes that someone will either validate my feelings or say, “hey, you are an idiot!” At times it will seem that my posting should not be on this site at all, but rather a site for people with “other” serious issues!, trust me, the only reason I am posting this is because of the MIL issues, I just have to give you a thorough background first!

I’ll start at the VERY beginning and I hang in there, it may seem that a lot of what I am writing about is irrelevant but I think it is ALL important!
I was married to a man for 11 years, together for 13. We had three children together and two of his from his first marriage that I adopted. I had a great career, great salary and benefits ($100K per year PLUS), a beautiful, three story, six bedroom home in a nice neighborhood. Everything seemed great from the outside but it really wasn’t. My relationship had dwindled to almost nothing, my now “x” was an extreme workaholic and felt that being a good dad and partner meant having a good work ethic ONLY. (don’t get me wrong, that is certainly admirable and necessary etc. etc.), but you need more in a relationship, especially after about the 7 or 8 year mark. I felt alone, he left for work before 5am, arrived home after 7pm, had to be asleep by 8 or 8:30 to get up early the next day, etc. etc.. (Note, this was NOT a job requirement, but a PERSONAL choice he made!). The kids and I were pretty much on our own, we ate dinner w/out him, we made plans w/out him, etc. etc. It was “doable” but not “ideal”.

His mother, my “x” MIL, lived 1 hour and 15 minutes away from her front door to ours and came down literally ONCE (1) in two years to see her 5 grandchildren. (she was definitely not a helpless old lady, she was only 60 at the time and still working full time.) She also had a daughter, (my “x” older sister) who was pretty much useless. She refused to get a decent job, (though I must admit, she was consistent and steady and held the same job for over 20 years, it was just a “dead end” job and she had been offered advancement and declined stating “she didn’t want the responsibility”) so for that, she was never given any benefits or anything. SO, at 40, she had a child out of wedlock, (I am not against that at ALL, in fact, you will see by my story later on, that I now find myself in that same situation!) Anyway, sorry for the rambling….the “X MIL” was happy to drive 1 hour to see her oldest child (her daughter) and granddaughter, and in fact, did almost weekly! She wouldn’t EVER go out of her way to come see us though we invited her regularly! I used to comment that she will eventually be an old helpless old lady who’s own grandchildren wont come and help her mew the lawn because they don’t even KNOW her! Anyway…my mother lived in AUSTRALIA….literally a WORLD away and she flew in to see us 5 times as much as the “X MIL” (let me mention that it was not a case of having the financial means either!) The purpose for this last paragraph was so that I can explain to you that, on top of my boring marriage and family life, I really did not have a MIL that gave a crap about me or my family, (HER GRANDKIDS). She didn’t outright ever do anything that made me feel angry or that she was butting in or feeling jealous or any of the other stuff that others talk about, she just didn’t do ANYTHING! I used to LONG for a MIL that wanted to be “involved!” UUUGGHH, the old saying rings true, “be careful what you wish for”

SO, in 2002 my mother died tragically in a horse riding accident. It was a HUGE turning point for me. My mother was only 55. My “x” and I flew out to Australia for the funeral, spent 2 weeks there. NOTHING was the same for me after that. I started to see my life through different goggles, so to speak. It can all be over with so fast and you have no idea when that will be. The one thing my mother did through out her own life was, she definitely LIVED. If she was unhappy, she changed it, INSTANTLY! We used to be horrified by that fact, but she did have a very full life because of her choices. Mom died in August, I was separated by December of the same year! I felt that I could certainly have more joy and happiness in my life.

OK, now on to the main complaint. I meet a guy who had also been separated from his wife for over a year. He asks me to lunch, I decline. I make jokes “you don’t want to get involved with me, I have WAY to much baggage, 5 KIDS!” I NEVER hid anything from him. Despite my “warnings”, he continued, so we went out, and then started dating. I REALLY liked him from the very beginning. It was strange, after being in a relationship for 13 years, it was almost like being in High School again. ( I am certain there are those out there who can relate to what I am saying). Anyway…we dated and I started to like him more and more all of the time. Then my life turns completely on it’s end. I find out that he was STILL seeing another woman with whom he did work for (he was a farrier, (horse-shoer) and was having a difficult time breaking that off with her because her horse barn was a significant amount of his work…(literally, probably 60%) HOW STUPID WAS HE???? He came clean with me and told me this and I told him that I wouldn’t see him anymore until or unless he broke it off with her, I was WAY to old for that crap! (and frankly, so was he!) It really did throw me for a loop though because at this point, I had a lot of emotion invested in a relationship with him, (though it had only been about 8 weeks to this point). I felt like a HS Senior who just got cheated on and broke up with her boyfriend, STUPID! Anyway, we maintained contact telephonically, and he tells me that he is “breaking it off easy”. I am SO NOT LIKE THAT, just do it and be done, GROW UP! I couldn’t really see it that way though as I was then blinded by my emotions. (don’t worry, I see it now).

Somehow this other woman (who was 39 at the time, had previously been married and had one child) found out about me and that he was wanting to break it off with her, suddenly, this woman who is definitely a mature woman, had life experience, etc. etc., ends up PREGNANT! Yep, you guessed it, after years of Birth Control, and months of dating him, her birth control conveniently fails at this exact time! He is beside himself, but my thinking is “you deserved it!” If you didn’t want to be with her, you MOST certainly shouldn’t have been still having sex with her!” I don’t want you to think that this man is completely awful, he definitely was thinking with his “other” head for a LONG period of time, and was disrespectful to not just me, but her as well. I know all of this, and so does he. We have had many discussions about it. He is not a “dog”, he may have been going through a time where he wasn’t acting and thinking rationally, but don’t we all have times in our lives like that? He was separated after 9 years of marriage and probably acting out a bit as well. Anyway…we have long phone conversations about the predicament he has himself in and he states his feelings on abortion, (he is against it). He tells her that he does not love her, that he had never implied that he wanted a serious, full on relationship with her, so on and so on, and that he accepted FULL responsibility for his actions and would support her during the pregnancy and fulfill his responsibilities as a father to the child etc. etc. She continued on with trying to get him to stay with her. He doesn’t, he leaves and moves back into his place, full time, permanently.

We start dating again and begin to figure out how we are going to deal with this situation, together.

That next year was a mess. She constantly phoned him on his cell phone, sent him text messages, cards, etc. He was too much of whimp to put a stop to it as he was trying to avoid conflict. (that STUPID idea that most men seem to have that only ADDS to conflict in the end!). I was beside myself. I didn’t trust him, felt like things were going on behind my back, (the other woman made a point of telling me that there was!) Just DUMB DUMB immature stuff. Looking back on it so many times over these years I can NOT believe that I stayed! What happened to this independent, career woman who HAD A LIFE??? I was so confused I resigned from my job (MISTAKE number 3000!) Sold my house and moved in with him…remember, I had a beautiful 3,800 square foot house with LOTS of equity, he had 20 acres free and clear, but only a small house trailer (as his intent was to eventually build a home there). I was so stupid in this dumb cloud of whatever and dreamed of this great life together, we would build a great house, etc. etc. He and I talk about having a child together, he said “At least this child will be with someone I love” etc. etc. I went through this dumb phase for about 2 years! We did have a child together, and I love her dearly. Believe it or not, I also love him dearly, despite the dumb mistakes he made and the hell he put me through. It would have been really easy to leave had my judgment not been so clouded.

Anyway, one more point before I get on to the important MIL stuff! My divorce went through fine. My “x” and I had an amicable divorce, we split things fairly, we share the kids, we agreed an acceptable amount of CS w/out attorney’s….I was making way more than him at the time so I was comfortable with an amount far less than what the courts would have ordered. It was never my intent to “take him” for as much as I could or any of that, it just didn’t work for us and we had a duty to take care of the kids and we should be able to do that without raking each other over the coals. Meanwhile, HIS divorce is STILL going on! That woman LEFT HIM in early 2002 and here it is nearing the END of 2008 and they are STILL in the courts. He is desperately trying to get it finalized and she is constantly dragging it out. STUPID! During their time apart, she had immediately moved in with another man, bought a house in Texas claiming to be an “unmarried woman”, got 4 separate credit cards in his name with herself as an authorized user, proceeded to charge them up to their limits, (I am talking about over $40K in 4 credit cards) not to mention, she called Wachovia and manage to take out the entire amount of his personal line of credit ($12K) all of this BEFORE he even knew what was going on. Since they were, and still are legally married, apparently there is NOTHING he can do!!?? Whatever. SOOO, I have also been putting up with all of the BS and trying to help him through all of that!

So, obviously I have met the old nag that I will call my “future MIL” and the person who is responsible for me punishing you with my story today! She is 100% German. NOTHING against German’s, she is just a “stereotypical” German. She NEVER smiles, I have seen thousands of pictures of her and NEVER is she smiling. She has this “tight lipped, grim, shitty look on her face”, ALWAYS. Though, despite that, she seems fairly nice to me. She talks bad about the “other” woman who managed to try to “trick” her son into staying, she comments on the hopefully soon to be “X wife” and all of the things she has done wrong…..its stupid, but I guess it made me feel like I was lucky, she certainly didn’t like them, but she likes me. WRONG! The first clue should have been how much she disliked the “other” woman….what made me think I was immune??

Her husband, my guys father, had died 11 years (ELEVEN years!!) BEFORE he and I met. She was STILL alone, ( I can respect that) but if you are freaking miserable, you should probably reconsider your plans?? When I first met her, my guy would drive different routes to avoid her house for fear she would see him driving by and get mad that he didn’t stop in. (CLUE number 5006!) Me, having only recently lost my mother tragically, would say things like “you really should spend more time with your mother, she could die tomorrow and you would feel bad, etc. etc.” (what was I thinking???). She is living in the house that her and his dad built back when he was 9. (a LONG time) and it was a decent house but extremely outdated. My guy is the youngest of three boys, the other two were 10 & 11 years older than him. They were both useless, alcoholics and drug addicts. The oldest died after my first year on the scene and the second oldest had been written out of the will by my guys dad BEFORE he died and the MIL kept it that way. Reason for pointing this out was that he and I were talking about building a house or whatever, and she would say things like “well this house is going to be his” you can just live here. I don’t even remember what the comment I made was but she said “what, you don’t like my house?” I could easily have lived in that house if I had a 10 yard dumpster delivered and gutted the carpet, the floor, the cabinets etc. and started over, but she would have flipped out, and I understand that, but she shouldn’t have expected me to live in her house saying it would be ours, but not wanting me to change it to my tastes. That would have NEVER worked! SO….she decided to sell that house and buy land out next to him/us and we would put a modular home there for her. I thought it was a good idea because I am still trying to have that “MIL that I always wanted!

She knew about the financial mess that he was in because of his “estranged wife” and knew we couldn’t financially build right now. But I was living with him in a trailer with my 4 kids (the older adopted two were off at college and their own apartments now) after having SOLD my house and using the equity to fix up his barn, (wrap it in metal, pour concrete in the isle ways etc.) and build a separate metal shop. I was helping him financially with my money, and he was strapped. She would make nasty comments when we talked about the finances like “well why don’t you sell your boat” (Meaning MY boat, when HE HAS A BOAT AS WELL that he used for hunting and fishing!) SOOOO…it’s HIS financial issues and I am working with him on them and she suggests that I SELL MY BOAT…I said, “what about he sells HIS boat?!” DUUH! She NEVER comments or say’s anything about me putting up with all of the baggage and emotional turmoil he put me through. She knew everything…she knew in the beginning of our relationship, he was still carrying on with the other woman, then the estranged wife BS, now his credit is in the toilet, he can’t get a divorce, we can’t move on with our lives because of all of HIS CRAP! She NEVER once say’s anything nice to me like “He’s lucky he has you to help him and work with him on this stuff. He’s lucky you didn’t can his ass when he was off carrying on acting like a DOG while you were trying to trust him and deal with everything.” NOPE, just “Why don’t you sell your boat?” ( Excuse me, I already sold MY house (mistake number WHATEVER!), I had already given up ENOUGH!

I am still blinded by everything (I am now 40 and embarrassed that I allowed these things to happen to me!) I still think it would be a good idea for her to live out here in the country by us because of our daughter (her granddaughter) and because to me, family is very important. This is now 03 and beginning of 04. I find the land that borders his land (25 acres) and she says she wants to sell her house, use the equity to buy that land for him (not “us”, but “him”) and she will keep a portion for her to put the modular on. I work a deal with the current owner of the land who has a personal connection to me (her sister had left the land to her after he untimely death due to a head injury, same thing that happened to my mom!) So, she WANTS us to have the land (because of ME) and agrees to sell it to us for less than a ¼ of the current value! I am still thinking this is ok. MIL comments that she wants to help him pay off the debt that dingbat created….she “thoughtfully” pays over $50K to that. She pays off one of his trucks $21K. PLEASE understand, we DID NOT ask her to do this. She knew he was having difficulty. She made the comment “it would have been his anyway, he is just getting his inheritance early!” She bought the land and gave him 22 acres and kept 3 for her house (which is now a stones throw from where we are living!) She makes a comment “she is working all the way up here and that is going to be along way for her to drive, she could help me with the kids” I say, “YES, that’s a good idea.” She was currently getting close to $3K a month in SS between her husbands SS here in the US and his from his work life when they where still in Germany, and if she quit her job, she would have her little bit of retirement as well. I told her we could pay her $200 a week for watching the two little ones and she said “Oh you guys can’t afford that right now”, “we say, “yes, it actually SAVES us because regular daycare would have been $240 per week!” So she quits her job and starts watching them, our daughter, and my son. My son is difficult. He is a BOY thru and thru and she had a difficult time with him, but mostly because she couldn’t bring herself to care about him for the little boy that he was! I also make the STUPID mistake of saying that “hopefully, once he is finally divorced and dingbat is off the deed for the other 20 acres, we can sell that and use that money to build our house on the new property and probably still have enough to pay off her new mortgage! DUMB ME! Do you know what that meant to her? That meant that I said we would pay off her mortgage, period! We are STILL not able to sell the other 20 acres NOW in 2008 but yet she thinks we should pay her mortgage because I said “ we would pay off her mortgage!” OMG, I DID NOT SAY THAT! SO, we bought a bigger TRAILER to live on that new property to wait it out until we could sell the other place and have the $ to build our new home here. She bought the biggest modular she could find, a 2,200 square foot, four bedroom home for JUST HER! We are SIX people living up in a tin can right next to her and she lives over there in her nice big 4 bedroom house complaining CONSTANTLY! She is after him for every little thing “you said you would build me a porch”, “when are you going to spread that gravel in my driveway” “my faucet is dripping” “my tile is cracked”, “my this, my that, can you do this, can you do that, you said this, you said that” YOU GET THE PICTURE! It is ALL about her while her son is living right next to her basically cramped with HIS FAMILY (she doesn’t see us as that) She would happily have him just move in with her with our daughter….never mind what happens to us.

We have our own company building in-ground pools. We started it together and it has been really rewarding financially….but we work constantly, 7 days a week. We don’t have time to do a THING at our place, our beautiful mansion of a trailer, let alone the money to do anything, but still she persists on asking about all that he was “supposed to do for her”. Now she claims that she didn’t even want to move out here in the country, that she did it because “We” wanted her too, and in particular, because “I” said that she wouldn’t have to work and that we would pay off her mortgage! OMG AGAIN! We can’t even get to the point financially where we have a pot to pee in and she is steady complaining.

OH, and the company that WE started is “HIS” company. He is the builder so since he is actually out doing all of the “building”, he is the ONLY one who is working! Never mind the fact that I go on all of the sales calls with him, I do ALL of the paper work (and there is a ton of it from the contracts, to the permits, to the ordering of the pools, to the banking etc. etc.), but she say’s “You do nothing”. He thinks I over react and it shouldn’t bother me, and I know you have all heard this before…. “that’s just how she is, she has always been that way and she doesn’t mean it”. YES SHE DOES!

Now his older alcoholic brother is living over there with her, and on again, off again, his drug addict nephew (when he is not in jail), so me and my kids live next to a half way house. She makes comments to me when ever I complain that “I knew what I was getting in to!” OH MY FREAKING GOD, NO, I DIDN”T! Granted, at any time I could have left as things kept happening, but is that right??? SHE KNEW WHAT SHE WAS GETTING INTO but yet she claims that it is not what we had agreed to?!

His alcoholic brother is constantly making comments like “Where is my guys truck?” when I feel after 6 six years together, his stuff is mine and mine is his. Or, both me and my guy will be leaving for work together in one vehicle and if my guy is say busy on the phone, the brother will say things to me like “where is HE working today” completely ignoring the fact that I too am working! I say “WE are working XYZ” It sounds so petty and so many stupid little remarks, but they are constant. These people treat me like crap. They think of me as baggage for him and not of us as a FAMILY, a COUPLE (who would like to get married if ever that is possible!). This land is HIS, not OURS, the business is HIS, not OURS,

OK….some more random examples. Timelines can’t remember. For three years in a row we rented a 4 bdr townhouse at the beach. I rented it on line the first year and me, him, all four of the kids, and HER went. Beautiful place. Nicely decorated. We all had a good time, (except of course her, she sat on the balcony for 90% of the trip drinking coffee and smoking, but whatever.) The only bad thing for us was that this particular condo was around the corner from the beach so I would not let the kids go unattended because I couldn’t see them. SOO, next year, we called the rental company and asked if the unit that faced the beach (100 yards from the water!) was there’s as well, yes, it was, so we rented it! I had no idea how it was decorated as it was a different owner, but the layout was identical, I knew that. SO, the following year we all pack up again and go and the entire drive the kids are all saying can’t wait to get to “my” room etc. etc. You know how they do, it’s starting traditions, etc. My oldest had the room on the bottom with the slider in the other unit, so she was saying she wanted it again etc.. We get there and the kids pile out of the two cars (ours and hers) and grab their bags and head off to their rooms. She comes in and takes a look around and goes up stairs to the same location of what was “her” room the year earlier and low and behold, her room is the ONLY room without a TV! I didn’t know that! So, she CAN’T sleep there, WHAT?! We are paying thousands and bringing her on our vacation because we WANT her to be a part of our family (because she IS!) and she is ungrateful because her room doesn’t have a TV! So she comes down and I hear her talking quietly to my guy, she goes outside to start getting her things and he tells me what is going on and about the room not having a TV. He say’s “tell our oldest daughter she needs to go up to that room so mom can have the room with the TV!” EXCUSE ME?! All of the other kids will have a room with a TV and VCR/DVD player and now I have to tell our oldest that she can’t Because MIL who is on this little vacation for FREE needs to have a TV. I say “NO, I will not have the kids suffer on their family vacation because she has to be selfish” and he and I fight… he say’s “oh I don’t think the kids are suffering, they are at the beach, they are lucky, they aren’t suffering at all!’ EXCUSE ME but doesn’t that work the same way for her???? She isn’t suffering at all, she is here for free to have a vacation with us that we are footing the entire bill for and she feels like she would be suffering w/out a TV?! OMG! Does she not care about the kids? STUPID QUESTION. Lets just be selfish and ridiculous and disappoint the kids (whom a family vacation is supposed to be all about) for her own selfish reasons! I completely put my foot down and said if that was all that mattered to her, she could drive her happy butt home! So she brings her suitcases in and leaves them at the foot of the stairs rather than putting them away as if to wait and see if she would get her way…I finally get sick of looking at them and carry her crap up to the room w/out the TV! HHMMM, she says. She spent the entire week sleeping on the couch! WHATEVER! Needless to say, she wasn’t invited the next year.

You know what, I could go on and on. I know if any of you have hung in here this long, you are probably sick and tired of MY COMPLAINING! Bottom line is that I feel like I have given up a LOT of my life to be with her son. I have tried my best to help him and I have managed to stay with him in spite of everything he has done to me. I had a normal, decent, respectful life and job and I gave up everything (stupid or not) to be with him. She treats me like crap, like I am some sort of “hanger on” and not a valuable contributor to this relationship at all…oh, in fact, there is not even really a relationship to her. I am just “the girlfriend” and it’s all about her and her son. She is not respectful of us as a couple, as a family, anything. She thinks our lives should be all about her, her first, ALWAYS! I think a reasonable person/parent (god I hope I am/do) would say, “Son, I want you to do what is best for you and your family” and “wow, you two are working like cats and dogs to provide a good life for yourselves and the kids” and “how great you are doing” blab la bal. NOPE, it’s all about what we are NOT doing for her and how SELFISH I am for wanting for my family first and HER SON should not have to provide for MY KIDS!! OMG….I NEVER asked him too and in fact, he ISN’T, we BOTH work, and we BOTH work hard, and EVEN if he did take care of my kids, that’s his PERSONAL choice!!!! Let me defer back to my first paragraphs when I stated that I WARNED him about my “baggage” and he was FINE with it! I never tried to “trap” him into taking care of me and my kids. We consciously made the decision that we wanted to be a family! STUPID OLD NAG!

Maybe I will see if anyone even wants to read this before I continue with my horror stories, because there is a LOT more, trust me!

Thx for listening!