Relationship Background: My fiance is an only child from back east. We met in the west coast while he was out here on a work trip. He eventually moved out to be with me and has lived here for over 4 years. We’ve been dating for 3 years, 7 months and have been engaged since May of last year with plans to get married June of 09.
Dilemma: So recently my MIL decided that she didn’t like me. She brought up various issues she allegedly had with me and would basically throw tantrums to get my Fiance’s attention (in one particular case she mailed him all of the pictures she had of the two of us or said she wasn’t planning on attending the wedding, etc). She claims that I have changed a lot since the engagement and that I am not in anyway inclusive of her or her husband. I really don’t see how I’ve changed and if I have it definitely has not been on purpose or in any way intentional. I sent her a email today (which took me weeks to write) addressing all the “issues” that she has with me. She received it today and even though the email was very positive, forward-looking, apparently wasn’t pleased with it. Immediately she called my fiance and basically told him he had to choose between us–she wanted nothing to do with me and never wanted to see me again. He called me at work and told me this and said he had to go. I haven’t made an effort to contact him since but I’m sure he will be there when I get home. Honestly, I feel so hurt because she’s making such random accusations and making me feel like I’m not worthy of her son. I feel like she is being completely out of line with her outrageous demand. He’s a grown adult. She should respect his decisions even if she doesn’t completely agree with them. I just don’t know if he has it in him to deal with this in a constructive way. I feel like this is basically going to end our relationship.
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Advice
9 Responses to “Engaged — For now.”
this women is trying to sabatage your relashionship and is winning if your fiance even has a thought to agreeing with her you know what your marriage could possibly be like just think about it your not even married yet what will she be like when you are if he is not there when you get home he will be another mamas boy (OH SO SURPRISING)
Starfish,
First, I am really sorry you are having to go through this. Life has it’s own curveballs without mother in law (possibly future) problems. Second, know this does not have anything to do with you. Don’t even second guess your self for a moment that you have changed etc… your fiance’s mother is at min. emotionally unable to handle that her son is grown up and getting married — does not matter if it was to you or anyone else, she would act this way… and is emotionally needy.
This is real sad for her. Emotionally needy people use their children to fill emotional voids in their own lives. This is what she is doing with her son, using him to fill HER needs rather than being happy for him or letting him go. Why does she want her male son to choose you over her…. she wants to win, she wants to create drama around HERSELF she wants her adult son to choose HER over a bride or any other person. Again, this has nothing to do with you.
Shame on her. Your fiance may feel “in the middle” — we don’t know how he feels, we can only assume which is dangerous to do… If his mom does not know how to cope, one wonders if he has developed the proper coping skills to cope with this situation.
You and your fiance need to have a chat and your fiance (if he sees it) needs to put his mother in her place. He may do well to assure her that while he is getting married that he still loves his mom. Sick, I know, but she may simply need this. And that while he can understand her feeling confused during this time, that her actions are hurtful to him and not appreciated. He should tell her while you both want her to come to the wedding, if she doesn’t that is just fine. If your fiance cannot agree to something like this you may want to recruit a counselor to help work this out… if you don’t that is ok.
If this does not work, break off the relationship … life is too short to be tied to a spouse who does not put YOU — HIS FUTURE WIFE first. If the situation does not correct itself and boundaries are not set now — you will have an non-healthy marriage for sure. You deserve a NORMAL, HEALTHY life and marriage — free of drama… especially his mama drama.
What a shame that some mothers women with son’s use them to fulfill their unmet emotional and esteem needs. Shame on them.
I am real sorry you are going through this. Good luck.
This woman is totally crazy! I have a MIL that is very similar only she won’t tell me she has a problem with me.. She likes to tell everyone else and then the information eventaully gets back to me. GRRR
are you still engaged?
This sounds terrible. It sounds his mother wants him to choose because she wants him all to himself even if hes miserable. In most cases nobody is good for their son because they get so attached and they don’t want to let go even if their son is older. I think you should just talk to him about it, tell him you wont make him choose but that he needs to talk to his mother about it.
Thank God she lives far, far, away!
You know what you call this situation that your future MIL dropped on your lap? EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL! I hope for your own sake, your future husband will not succumb to her outrageous demands. If he does, then you have a lot of thinking to do and a major decision to make. If he does pick his mom over you, that alone speaks volume which says lot about him. I hate to say it, but consider yourself lucky that it’s happened now before it’s too late. This big mama is bad bad bad news! She knows what she wants and she won’t stop until she gets it. Easy said than done, but if I were you I’d cut my losses and move on.
good luck!
Whatever happened/ Is the wedding still on? I am thinking she is way out of line and you both need to sit down and say there will be no choosing here, and hire her a counselor. Tell her how you feel and make note of her reaction, if it is inappropriate both get up and leave. At least you tried to talk with her.
I feel your pain. My mother in law is a lot like yours-to-be it sounds like. All I can say is that you need to confront the situation now. Ask you guy how he feels about the way his mother is acting and let him know it is not okay. Do not ask him to pick you or her but if he doesn’t stand up for you it could make for a very long(and strenuous) marriage. My mother in law and I havent talked since August (I’ve been married since June) and I’m about to spend my first married Christmas in a room filled with tension. Don’t let that happen to you. Good luck!