I have been married for seven years to a wonderful wonderful man. One of his most unflattering traits is how he cowards when it comes to his controlling parents. My in laws were always overboard sweet when we were dating even paying for our three week honeymoon abroad down under. From the time we betrothed I felt they were a little over top with the gifts and the nicely nicely. Almost kind of fake. Sure enough little by little I realized their hidden agenda. Through the gifts and the sweet smiles and gentleness they wanted to manipulate my household. I mean after all how could one be rude or lay down any kind of personal boundaries when these people were pure HONEY. Not one un-kind word or gesture would leave their lips.That was then. This is now. I now have two children whom they think are theirs. For disciplining my own child two weeks ago….My f-i-l told me off. He literally told me I was a good for nothing mother. Now they want us to go to them to have a talk. They are refusing to come to my home. I do not want to go to theirs. My husband is caught in the middle and just wants peace. These people have done other things to me. The mother in law had it out with me before (about the kids too). They always act very kind in front of my hubby.This is sick sick sick. I will not be controlled! I have been very very accommodating to them. Even having them over as guests to sleep at my house every other weekend for YEARS. I am finally at my end. I need some advice. I feel my husband is being a wimp but I do not want to overwhelm him as I am sure they are. What should I do?
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Advice
3 Responses to “Controlling, manipulating in laws (with a smile)”
From what I hear from your in-laws side, is that they want some sort of involvement in you and their son’s life, whereas you are putting the breaks on and feel overwhelmed by their methods of communicating. If possible, and if everyone is agreed to talk calmly about what each of you needs from, and is willing to give to the relationship, then meeting on neutral territory sounds like the way to go. Not your house, not their house. Meet somewhere neutral. If possible, devote a weekend away to consciously discuss the areas of conflict, keeping in mind mutual goals, like the wellbeing of the children, and the respect needed to sustain relationships. Take it from there and plan regular get-together to discuss the wellbeing of family as each of you sees it. Good luck. It isn’t going to be easy, but will be worth it in the long run, keeping in mind that all we have in this life is our families.
Hey, I know where you are coming from when it comes to controlling Inlaws. I’m not even married yet and they are controlling the fact that we should live with them. (hell no!!) But anyway, you should go and talk to them and hear exactly what they have to say and make sure and take your husband, so he hears exactly what they have to say to you. Don’t curse, just hold your tongue as hard as you can and be smart and tell them things that have bugged you. (Make a list and memorize if possible, it would be dumb to pull it out in front of them). Maybe you’ll be able to see where they are coming from and have a different perspective on things. And make a point to tell them that your kids are your kids and you can discipline them anyway that see’s fit, it’s none of their business, you’re not killing your child so they should bud out. Tell them that they are only the grandparents and should only provide their love and support towards the kids, not try and raise them and dictate to you how you should raise your own children. And if you need help from them, you will ask for it if needed. I hope this helps and just try to explain in a way that they will understand….retard language…haha. Anyway, take care.
Eli,
I agree, definitely neutral territory. Also, I recommend a neutral third party (maybe see a marriage counselor and use him/her). Hubby needs to put his foot down. This is no good for the kids. If you don’t want to see them, don’t.