I wish I had found this site years ago. I have been struggling with my in-laws for a decade. Since I could write a book about the crap my in-laws (especially my MIL) have done and said to me, I’ll hold off and discuss the most recent situation. I am 6 months pregnant with my first, at 2 months my manipulative, never ever has apologized for anything in-laws, were discussing the names they want to be called by their grandchildren. My MIL decided on Grammy (cute), my workaholic, doesn’t have much of a mind of his own when it comes to anything else, father in-law said he wanted to be called papa, I told them I didn’t like it, it is another word for father, and in Spanish( where I was born) papa is father, I also told them I plan on teaching my daughter Spanish, and that she would be calling her father papa in Spanish. They told me it wasn’t up to me, they were the grandparents and they got to decide what they wanted to be called. My SIL(my MIL’s favorite DIL) is also pregnant (spotlight stealing bitch)(that’s another story). My MIL told me my SIL and BIL liked the name papa, and she wanted all the grandchildren to call them the same names. Seeing as how it is impossible to ever win a discussion or get my MIL to acknowledge my feelings and be considerate, or compassionate… I let it go…even though I was a little upset. I asked my husband to talk to his father about it, he said he would (but of course avoiding confrontation/arguments at all cost, and being a mamas boy) he didn’t talk to them at all about it. My in-laws didn’t bring it up either… I was hoping they changed their mind and would actually take my feeling into consideration… I was wrong. Today, we went up to my MIL,FILs house(a block away from our house) My other SIL (husbands sister) and her BF were there, they were all taking a poll on when our daughter will be born, weight, time. I looked on the poll and for my FIL name it said papa…. I said “Papa, I don’t like that name” my MIL responded “tough, you don’t get to decide.” My SIL responded “you’ve been outvoted” I repeated I really don’t like that name, besides I’m teaching my daughter Spanish and that’s what she’ll be calling her father. They looked at my husband and asked him what the baby would call him and he responded dad(nice of him to back me up). Then getting really upset I wittily came back with maybe I’ll have my daughter call you John and Marie. Them my MIL (who runs a daycare out of her home, and we had planned to have her do our childcare) said, then maybe we won’t be able to babysit or provide daycare.” I got very upset (getting very hot) I became silent and held it together… went outside to get fresh air… a few minutes later my husband came outside and said lets go… we got in the car and left. I thought to myself between the hormonal crying, hyperventilating, and yelling at my husband for never standing up to his mother, she wants to be a bitch, I can be a bitch too….maybe I won’t ever introduce her to her granddaughter, maybe I’ll prohibit them from ever seeing their granddaughter… legally can I do that?
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Her name is Patricia. By day, she is Mrs. Corporate America, by night, she is an “Ann Landers” of sorts. Patricia is the founder of the internationally-recognized website, motherinlawhell.com.
Advice
5 Responses to “Can I prohibit my inlaws from ever meeting their grandaughter?”
Well…since your man is a mama’s boy, you wont be able to keep your child from her. From experience, I’ve found that the CHILD decides what to call the grandparents. Of course this can be manipulated over time, and since you see your child more, I wouldn’t even bring it up again. Wait until your child is born, and when you speak about them, call them what you what your child to call them.
My husband was a single father of an infant daughter for a couple of years before we got together. My MIL was the primary grandma even though there are other grandma figures, including my mom when we got together. Well, MIL tells herself that she is the child’s only grandma and doesn’t want to be called anything other than grandma. So I started referring to her as grandma so & so. All the time….everytime I brought her up…within a few months, she became grandma so & so. And then my grandma was grandma so & so, and FIL’s new wife is grandma so&so.
No need in fighting them. You’re the mama…or mom…or mommy…whatever you want to be called.
Yes you legally have a right to prohibit the grandparents from seeing a child. The US Supreme Court ruled on that like in 1999 or 2000. I don’t know the particulars of the case, but I remember that.
First off, you need to get your husband to back you up. If he can’t do that now, they will steamroll you when the baby gets here. You haven’t seen nothing yet with regards to controlling, entitled, nasty behavior! Babies tend to bring out the crazy in some grandparents.
Also, having your MIL provide child care for you is a bad idea. She will probably end up undermining your parenting, won’t listen to your requests, and will make passive aggressive digs to you about your parenting. Find other childcare now, unless you want to hand your role as mother over to your MIL because she WILL try to replace you as #1 in your child’s life.
Trust me, you do not want your in laws watching your baby for you, especially because they act like entitled asshats. If they can’t respect you now when you are pregnant, they will not respect you when you are a mother. If your husband doesn’t start putting his parents in their place then you need to see a marriage counselor that specializes in difficult in law relationships. Often, an objective third party can point out to a man that he needs to stick up for his immediate family (you and your kids) when his family of origin tries to control or interfere.
Good luck!
i agree with fed up, your child will call them whatever you call them.
but like morochka said you need to get your husband to back you up.
that should be the main concern. you are supposed to be a team, and that’ll be even more important when you have children. take it from somone who has been in the same possition, my husband always took my crazy mils side over mine, if youdont let him know now that you wont tolerate it then it’ll just get worse. yea they’re his parents but he married you and you’re his family now, you should come first.
I also agree that whatever the mother and father of the child call the Grandparent, the child will follow. If the MIL and FIL have other Grandchildren that call them different names, don’t be surprised if your child slips and calls them that name once in a while. I wouldn’t make a scene, or correct your child then, kids do not understand. Just keep calling them to your child by the name you want them to use, when your child is old enough, explain your reasoning in a nice reasonable manner. If you do correct your child in front of your MIL, you put your child in the middle, and MIL will know that she’s made you mad, and if she’s bound and determined to undermine you, well she wins that round. MIL’s and your Mother should never be the primary babysitter while you work, it just causes problems, and if you ever get in a disagreement your MIL or Mother could hold their “generosity” for watching your child over on you, or you could keep the child from seeing that person, which later in life the child could resent you for. Remember, your husband is caught in the middle of two women he loves. Every family is different, celebrate the differences, the child needs to learn from both sides of the family. As long as drug deals or alcoholism aren’t involved, then remember, your MIL raised your husband, and he turned out good enough for you to marry him. I do agree that a husband should support his wife unless she’s being totally unreasonable, and at times DIL’s can be, then he should take his wife aside or home and love her, calm her down, listen and hear what she is saying, then talk about ways to resolve the issue. Your husband should also take his mother and whatever other family member aside and gently explain your view and that he would like them to respect it and become a family. After all, the child comes from both.