Hello everyone,
This is my first time visiting your site. I had a serious talk with my mother-in-law yesterday for almost 3 hours. Have I lost my sense of right and wrong? Is my mother-in-law correct in what she says is acceptable?
This is my story:
I have been happily married to my husband for almost 12 years. He has a 23 year old step-son. My husband’s ex-wife worked hard over the years to alienate my step-son from his father and our family. In the beginning all of ever heard about from my mother-in-law was what a terrible person my husband’s ex-wife was and how she left my husband for her boss (current husband) and how devasted my husband and step-son were over this ordeal. My mother-in-law had no contact with my husband’s ex-wife during the first years of our marriage.
When the step-son was 16 years old everything blew-up with the ex-wife and her husband and our family. My mother-in-law decided she would step-in and replace my husband and I as parents. She took it even further to work with my husband’s ex-wife to exclude us from the young man’s graduation, marine homecoming gatherings, etc. Needless to say, my husband and I were deeply hurt and no longer maintained contact with his parents (my in-laws).
My husband’s son is now 23 years old and seems to be maturing enough to have a relationship with him again. However, his dominating mother and my mother-in-law are working hard to keep us from having a relationship with him and his new bride-to-be, or at least that is how it feels to us. Obviously, there has been so much more happen than what I have told you but that is most of it in a “nut shell.”
Yesterday, I spoke to my mother-in-law to confirm something that I had suspected. My mother-in-law and father-in-law had a sit-down dinner with my husband’s ex-wife and her husband, along with my husband’s son and his new bride to be back in March of 2008. During this conversation, the six of them planned my step-son’s wedding and discussed money issues, etc. My husband’s ex-wife and her husband have lots of money and told them they would pay for $3,000.00 of the wedding. I then asked my mother-in-law, “Well, what did you offer to pay for the wedding?” and my mother-in-law said nothing. This meeting between everyone was suppose to be a big secret from my husband and I. I told her that her teaming up with the ex-wife is unacceptable to me and that the step-son is now an adult. Now this precious, sweet young bride-to-be witnessed these people lying to me and my husband (her future in-laws). By the way, we have two young children who barely know their grandparents because of the way my mother-in-law behaves.
Anyway, my mother-in-law disagrees with me when I tell her that her hanging around my husband’s ex-wife and her husband is inappropriate. I told her that lying to us makes it even worse. My mother-in-law said she will continue her behavior because she sees nothing wrong with hanging out with them. By the way, my husband stated that he cannot see how his dad can sit at a table and “break bread/eat” with a man who tore apart his prior marriage?
Are we wrong? Thanks for your honesty.
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Advice
4 Responses to “Am I wrong? I would like an honest opinion?”
Hi Anna
You are absolutely right! WHat is missing here is a respect factor.Your inlaws have no respect for you and your husband. But it seems this has gone all for a very long time. There is no changong it now. They have managed to manipulate your step son and everyone else involved. Maybe with the help of his bride to be - your step son will see things differently and choose to have a decent relationship with you.
jps
Well…as for the MIL, you can’t control other people and what they do. You can only control how you let it affect you. Since your husband knows she is a witch, then I would just cut off the contact with her. She’s obviously only adding grief to your family. I don’t think your children are missing out on anything. Its better to have no grandma at all then a bad one. And grandparent figures are always easy to find. They may not share the same blood but they will love and respect you and your children more. Maybe someone from your church, or aunts or such.
As for the step son, if he is 23 then he is an adult and he is old enough to think for himself. Your husband and you need to contact him if you want to be part of his life. People will form their own opinions. 23 years of brainwashing means a whole lot of nothing when he and his fiance meet you and find out that they like you. I wouldn’t involve anyone else in that relationship, your MIL or your step-sons mother. At 23, you don’t have to.
And why is your husband still upset that his man broke up his first marriage? Sounds like that guy did him a favor. Shouldn’t he be over it by now? Good riddance.
Good luck with this! Very complicated!
As a person in a well blended family such as yours, I will give you my honest opinion.
First of all there needs to be a meeting with the step son, your husband, and you if you choose to attend. The step son may have many questions for your husband that your husband should answer honestly and straight forward. I do not think your husband should go into this meeting verbally bashing the ex wife, as much as he may want to. This will automatically put the step son on defensive because regardless of what has happened, she is still his mother. Everything needs to be addressed from what type of relationship the step son wants with your husband. Fact is, he is an adult and he can choose. What would ultimately work best is to let the past be the past and move forward. If the step son has some bothersome rumors or accusations those need to be addressed, too. Hopefully this will lay the ground work for a new relationship.
As far as missing out on the step son’s accomplishments, explain to the step son why you guys weren’t there. He was also an adult at this time, too. He could have invited you guys himself.
I would not involve the new bride at all. Not until some of this is resolved. She shouldn’t be made to choose sides,etc. If your MIL is doing so, you can’t control what she does. Just don’t make the same mistake she is.
Your FIL shouldn’t be made to feel guilty by having meetings with this young mans new step father or choose between his son and step grandson. either. Sometimes as adults we have to have relationships with people we may not usually have one with to have the relationship that is most important.
Your husband and others who still are dwelling on the fact that this woman left your husband for someone else, need to get over that. If he is now happily married and this new husband of hers wasn’t abusive to the step son or things like that, then everyone just needs to move on.
I am sure a lot of feelings were hurt over the whole thing, but unless someone starts the trend of getting over it amd moving on, then nothing will be gained, but more hard feelings and more lost relationships.
It will not be easy and may take a lifetime of trying new approaches, but if it is worth it, then I would give it a shot.
If the in laws are so decietful, etc then why would you want them to have a relationship with your young children?
I don’t think that the in laws relationship with their (step) grandsons parents is unacceptable even if they may be doing it for the wrong reasons.
It does sound like it has been a rough road. I had to learn to accept things that I couldn’t change and it wasn’t easy to let go, but in the long run I was a happier person and in turn, so was my family.
Hi
Well, I very much agree with “fed up”, that wrote before me. I could not have said it better. Forget the liers and leave them be, contact the 23 yr old young man, take him and his future wife out to dinner and talk with them and start a relation ship with them, don’t bad mouth anyone, just invite these kids into your life and let the rest go.
Good luck.
Linda