Heres the situation:
• Im 27 husband is 25 • first time parents • son is 5 months • I’m very close to my family, my mom and dad trade off during the day keeping the baby so we don’t have to send him to daycare
Problem = Mother in Law is mad - because she doesn’t see the baby enough
Now that you know the basic frame work for the situation, here is my main beef. We keep hearing from my other family on my hubbies side that my MIL is upset bc she doesn’t get to see the baby very often. She has not brought this to my attention herself, and i don’t think she is going to. The problem is my son is in daycare all day, I work full time, and as all new moms know -if your not at home with your baby, you don’t get much time with them during the day.
Here are some examples of what I’m dealing with.
After turning down many invites to MIL house during the week my hubby helped out by telling her “we are not going anywhere during the week bc we need to be on a somewhat regular schedule for the baby, . ” We don’t go bc she wants to start dinner at 7pm and then hang around and talk/play pass the baby for another 3 hours after that. So by 10 oclock baby is screaming, missed his bed time, hasn’t eaten much and im miserable and my nerves are shot. So that fixed that.
Realizing that this would cause a problem we asked her if she minded coming to the house to keep the baby on sat mornings for 2 hours so my hubby and i could go to the gym together. She agreed and seemed excited. I thought everything was going to be fine after that…. NOPE. she called the night before her first Sat to watch him, and asked if she could take him to her friends house to show him off while we are at the gym!!!
Luckily my husband took the call, and when I heard him say “well, let me talk to Lauren and see how she feels about that.” Immediately i felt defensive and angry and i didn’t even know what he was going to talk to me about yet. So when he told me, I was furious, territorial, and I blew up.
• she has never taken him anywhere in the car seat or loaded him into her car
• she drives like a crazy woman
• and 3rd….why does she have to TAKE him somewhere? She is always offering to TAKE him to her house for us to “give us some space” and TAKE him with her to church, and TAKE TAKE TAKE!
I dont want him to go anywhere with her right now. He’s little, and she does things alot different than I do. And in all honestly, I’m having a really hard time being in the same room with her as of right now.
So after i calmed down me and hubby talked and agreed to let her take him ONLY if we could do a test run so she knew how to hook up the car seat and load him up. Well, of course she gets to the house and he’s sleeping. I’m not going to wake him up from his nap. So, I told her we would practice when we got home when he was awake, I wanted her be confident with using and loading car seat before she took him anywhere. (I only told her this to appease her because I could tell she was angry)
Right after I told her that, she smirked, as if to say “silly girl”, This made me even more angry with her. She knows i am a nervous person by nature (I’m not ridiculously nervous, i just think out loud so she sometimes hears my thought process and thinks its ridiculous i guess) so so she uses the whole “calm down, it will be okay” crap all the time. IM NOT NERVOUS…IM PISSED!
Im tired of the smirks, and her wanting to take him everywhere with her. I don’t see him much, and he’s mine. i want to go with you to “show him off” he’s my kid.
I guess my questions are:
• Is my thought process normal, is it normal to be so territorial with my baby?
• how do i handle my MIL when she wants him all the time on the weekend, and tries to get me to let him go with her by making it sound like she’s doing ME a favor when in actuality it makes me nuts, and very angry”
• Would it be wrong of me to continue to keep her from taking him places? I see myself not letting her keep him by herself anymore - (kinda intentionally) so i dont have to worry about her taking off with him.
Thanks Everyone, I really need some mom help.
~Lauren
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Advice
9 Responses to “All she wants to do is TAKE TAKE TAKE!”
I just started back to work PART TIME and I still have limited time with my son so I know how you feel. NO! You are not out of line. He is only 5 months old for goodness sake! I can totally understand what you are going through.
You are the mother not her. Sounds like she doesn’t want to spend quality time with him but to show him off like a show pet. Give me a break! Make the rules and make her stick to them. She will try to change your mind and make you feel like you are crazy and overbearing. Don’t fall for this, she is only trying to get what she wants. You are only being a good mother.
Tell her that Saturday mornings is the best you can do right now and that things will get better as he gets older but right now he is just too little to be traveling around. If her friends want to visit, tell her they can come over after his nap on Saturday. If she doesn’t like it… OH WELL. Have your husband help you explain this to her. Make your stance now because it only gets worse as your child gets older.
Hope this helps.
I don’t think you are over reacting. I’m about 7 months pregnant, so I can’t totally relate yet, but I will certainly not be handing off my baby at 5 months to be “shown off” to my mil friends. I don’t know any of them (I may feel differently if I knew them well). If they want to see the baby they are more then welcome to come with her to our house. You don’t get alot of time with him as it is, you shouldn’t have to give up the time you do have so she can show off your baby!
I agree with the others. I don’t think I would be happy with my MIL’s friends in my home while I wasn’t there though. That offer should not be made. I would use the excuse that flu season is coming up and the less people he is exposed to the better. It just irritates the He!! out of me that when you give them an inch they try to take a mile. She should be happy to spend the two hours a week to bond with him. I don’t think you are being territorial at all. This is YOUR baby and it’s YOUR responsibility for his well being. The next time she tells you “it will be OK” ……. look her directly in the eye and reply …. I KNOW it will be because I’m going to make sure of it”. She should get the message loud and clear. Any good Mother should follow their instincts . . .
Additionally, I would keep his car seat in the car I take to the gym. This may prevent her from sneaking him out of the house!
Speaking as a DIL with my very own crazy MIL but also incredibly proud and loving Nana I have to disagree with previous comments - sounds like Grandma is pretty excited too and just wants a little ’show off’ time of her own with her new grandson.
To refuse her the option of taking him anywhere and making her ‘practice’ the car seat entry seems a bit over the top - have her buy a proper infant car seat, install it permanently in her car, show her how to get him in and buckle him up and she’s good to go.
You do sound like you are a bit nervous.
New Mum + new baby = neurotic. It’s not a big deal - You need to get MIL on your side and if you approach it correctly and tell her you miss him and want to spend all of your free time with him she just may be more sympathetic to your overprotectiveness - maybe she could take him one of your work mornings instead your parents. To only offer up one morning a week (2 hours) when she lives close by and clearly wants to see him more seems vindictive on your part. Maybe there are other issues?
Nana katy,
Would you put your Grandchild in a car with someone who was not a good driver? If so….. perhaps your DIL needs to be introduced to this site. Sorry if I hurt your feelings….. just because someone is a Grandmother doesn’t automatically make them safe. I stand by my original advice…. Mother’s need to trust their God given instincts when it comes to their children. This is HER baby that SHE gave birth to…. that FACT needs to be respected!!!! The obvious “talking down to” that this DIL is enduring is only adding to her stress. If the MIL wants something to take to her friends houses to show off….. she needs to buy a sweet little lap dog. There are plenty of them in shelters that could use the attention. This baby does not need to be drug around and handled by a bunch of bored old ladies.
Betty Lou,
My point was less about the car but more about flexibility and coming up with options that would include the MIL. If car rides aren’t an option come up with something else - creativity goes a long way in building family unity.
Just to be clear, I am not the grandmother - I am the daughter-in-law with a MIL who although I rarely agree with her, I appreciate the fact that my husband’s mother loves and adores my kids and they her. That’s what counts.
If she talks to down to me(usually in the form of too much unwanted advice) I smile, thank her and try to implement some little bit of wisdom that won’t make me crazy. She did a fantastic job raising four kids of her own - all of whom I adore (and 1 that I love madly)and after 13 years of marriage am glad that I bit my tongue, kept my mouth shut under duress and added flexibility and open mindedness to my list of desirable character traits.
Babies should get out and be held and cuddled - it’s the most wonderful aspect of humanity - we all love babies.
Sorry Katie, Your MIL is very lucky to have you as a DIL. Unfortunately not all MIL’s are as lovable as yours. I’m just wondering what brought you here? Perhaps you can help some of the other DIL’s cope with their MIL’s. Sounds like you have the coping skills down pat. As far as babies being passed around…. I respectfully disagree. At age 5 months there are just to many different viruses going around to expose them to. It’s my opinion, they get plenty of attention and exposure from their immediate family. A first time working Mother has enough to deal with, a sick baby just adds to the stress. Perhaps you’re right about giving the MIL more time with her grandchild, in this case, I only see it adding to Moms stress. This MIL obviously does not respect her DIL’s decisions. Her best bet would be, take the time offered, gain her DIL’s trust, and ask for more time later……….. As always…. the child’s welfare must come above any emotions.
Betty Lou…GREAT idea with the car seat. (loading it up and taking it with me. FANTASTIC)
My only fear is if there is an emergency there wont be a car seat for her to put him in but if its a real emergency, the ambulance is equipped. Thanks for helping me feel less like a crazy person…I just cant let go right now. He’s so little.
Katy,
I do agree with the cuddles I know he needs social interaction…I just feel like I would be rewarding her condescending remarks by letting her rule the roost and do whatever she wants while she’s keeping him ya know?
I think there are other issues with me and MIL. Short description
• mil and fil just recently divorced due to mil affair, she kissed on the man she was having an affair with in front of her youngest son, who then came to live with me and my hubby after the divorce was under way-bc of his own issues. HARD FOR US but we wanted to be there. During all of this MIL lied to my hubby (her oldest son) ALOT. she has apologized over and over and we don’t talk about it any more. BUT, I feel like I cant trust her with something that makes me so vulnerable. I know what she is capable of and that scares me. Granted she has made big leaps since then and seems stable. She was a good mother to her sons. I’m just really scared to let her in that close. I need to deal with my feelings towards her…but I don’t know how. She gets her feelings hurt really easily and I wasn’t raised like that. so that’s something I’m not used to dealing with either.