Mother-in-Law HELL

Can’t fight crazy Part II

by noescape on 07/26 @ 2:26pm

My husband told his mom how he felt about the gift. So she went around him and had the ex bring the daughter over so Grandma could give her the gift.
I know you are probably wondering why my husband puts up with this. He is not in denial, he knows she is wacky and her behavior isn’t right, but it is his MOTHER. That must excuse all evils.
I did not take the high road and I quit speaking to her. Yes, I know it was childish, but I did not want the confrontation and I wanted the problems to go away. Well, this made her go beserk!!! She was on a mission to get rid of me. We had to have numerous sit down meetings to discuss this. She tried to come between me and the bonus kids. (I don’t blame them, they are children and she is hard to stand up to.) One meeting involved me, my husband, the 2 kids, MIL, FIL and the ex and her new husband. It was loads of fun. It did not go the way the MIL planned, but the invented problems between me and the 2 kids were resolved and everyone but the MIL was ready to move on. Next the MIL decided she needed to have just a talk with me, my husband, herself and the FIL. Needless to say that talk didn’t go her way either. I would not buckle as I had in the past and cry and agree she was completely right and I was so sorry. This was over 2 years ago. I quit going to all family functions because they all thought I was horrible and didn’t care about the family. I have been told on numerous occasions that I have done things that weren’t my place. (Like take my son to see my husbands ailing great grandma and grandma). I am not to take the kids to church with me because it is her right as a grandma to take them with her. (we are all the same religion, we just go to 2 different churches.) She tells the kids things like she is going to seek grandparents rights and get visitation to them. (she sees them 2 to 3 times a week on average) The kids feel they see her plenty and are worried when she starts saying she already has the paperwork in hand. My bonus son told me that his grandmother hates me. He doesn’t know why and both kids say she doesn’t want them to be close to me.
I have made the mistake of venting to my parents and now they can’t stand the inlaws. I have been not wanted or welcomed to 2 family funerals now. My FIL passed away recently and I can’t go to the wake or funeral. My husband is extremely upset and he is once again on the wagon of me working things out with his mom. She is not well, she had a serious surgery about 6 months ago and is getting ready for another one. She says none of this is her fault and she is the mother of the family and I should come to her and work things out. Half of me feels I should just suck it up and do it. She isn’t well and won’t be here forever. It would make life easier on the kids and my husband. The other half of me thinks !(#*$)@* no! I do not want to get back on her merry go round of insanity. Nothing will have changed and if I buckle and go to her it will be seen as a sign of weakness and subordination to her will. I will be under her thumb till the end of time.
What do I do? I am tired of making my husband upset. I don’t play her games and I tell him to take all the kids and visit her whenever he wants. I tell him to go see her on holidays with the kids, because I would rather have the few hours by myself of peace and quiet then the stress of entering her house.
I feel like I should be mature, suck it up, put on a happy face and make peace.

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3 Responses to “Can’t fight crazy Part II”

Disrespectful Daughter-in-Law said on 27/07/10 @ 8:55pm United States

Grandparent’s rights don’t apply to a married couple. If two married people want to deny contact to the grandkids, there is nothing granny can do about it. Grandparent’s rights are ONLY for grandparents in a situation where the couple is divorced or never married. Married couples’ rights come BEFORE grandparent’s rights. So, whatever “papers” she supposedly has are worthless and probably entirely misunderstood by the woman. You should communicate this to all of your kids so they will stop worrying about this ridiculous scenario.

Regarding your husband, you can tell him you will be civil to the woman for the sake of the family but you are not about to spend one moment of unnecessary time with an abusive woman. You can try to explain that she treats you differently when he is around versus when he is not, if that is the case in your situation.

Regarding the “family meetings to work things out,” as you have probably figured out by now, these do not work and should be abandoned. If MIL needs to discuss things, it should be with a certified therapist, NOT family members.

Finally, regarding her not being well and going in for another surgery soon, just count your blessings that she won’t be around much longer. Or she might be faking how ill she is and be around forever (just like my in-laws who are at “deaths’ door). In any event, don’t make yourself miserable trying to appease this woman. She could live for a lot longer and that would put you in a bad spot indeed.

sageness said on 28/07/10 @ 12:56pm Belgium

I have no adivce but I am so relieved (and horrified for you) to read that someone is going almost the exact thing I am going through! I am going through sheer torture thanks to my mother in law but I am lucky my husband has stood up to her and our family unit is strong. I really thought I was the only person in the world going around and around on this insanity trip.

I have given up going to “family meetings” to talk about invented problems; They don’t work.

I have told my husband I am not going to speak to that woman until she stops being so crazy!

My MIL also threatened legal action, but realised it was impossible and not satisfactory. In my country grandparents can only hope to get one day visitation PER MONTH via court order. So maybe you should look into it and ask her to please go ahead and do that, and if she starts crying because it’s not enough then that’s her own damn fault isn’t it?

My MIL is also playing best buddies with the ex “for the sake of my grandchild” although she can”t be bothered to get along with us for the sake of her grandchild. Strange world we live in, no?

Take care, and remeber you’re not the only one with a totally psychopathetic MIL!!!