Mother-in-Law HELL

Where to begin… PART 2

by Kate23 on 03/04 @ 3:16am

So many stories I could tell about this woman… she loathes me, and I just know it by the way she says hi to me. We used to be close, then a switch went off, and honestly I do not know what happened. There are so many instances that I think about constantly. My boyfriend is one of two. He has a older brother, who isn’t much of a joy to be around either. He is twenty six years old, lives at home, has no job, treats his parents and brother like dirt, steels from them, smokes weed every day, he is one of the most disrespectful people I have ever met. Anyhow I won’t touch on that subject too much, my BF’s mother adores both of her kids, but worships the older one. She fears him because his buttons are pushed so easily and his temper is unbearable. All she talks about is her baby this her baby that, she even refers to herself as “Mommy” to both my boyfriend and his brother, “mommy made you dinner”, “mommy is going to the store”, “mommy washed your clothes”. Like seriously? Anyhow here is just ONE example: One Christmas before I was going to my aunts house, (because god forbid my BF doesn’t eat Christmas dinner with his “mommy and daddy”, I stopped by to see him and I made her a dessert. So I brought my little brother and sister to see them and say Merry Christmas. I walk downstairs and they are about to eat dinner, so my BF’s grandma gets up and is saying hi to me and my brother and sister, and his mother did get up too, (my BF is upstairs getting dressed at this point) his brother decides to say OUT LOUD: “I don’t give a f*** I’m eating, I don’t care who the f*** is here”. Mind you I am standing there with a eight year old and a five year old. I look at him and say, “Don’t worry I am leaving” I grabbed the kids and left. Let me tell you, I was fuming!. So now, I go to my aunts, my BF comes there after, I tell him what happened and he is pissed!. So now it is time to go to his house now to open presents, (its ridiculous how we have to go back and forth back and forth at holidays, I have been with him for 5 years!) so anyway, we get back to his house, and I’m downstairs, with his mom, my BF is in the shower, and now his brother comes strolling down like nothing and says hi. I give him a short hand wave and don’t say a word. His mom taps me on the knee and says “Come on, he is fine now… poor baby was just hungry before”. Again I am speechless. Not only was he completely rude to me, but two small kids were there and he spoke in that manner. I can’t believe she tip toes around a twenty six year old MAN, and allows me to be treated in that manner. That absurd. in my eyes. I just don’t know what to do anymore, her comments are so rude, she is attached to my BF like a leech. I feel like I can’t even have a conversation with him without her budding in. Me and him both have the same sense of humor so we joke around a lot and sometimes are sarcastic with eachother, if we are talking she will be like to me… “My ****(his name) was just kidding”. Like I don’t know if she thinks I am trying to take him away from her, I am always respectful. I even clean their house!, anything she needs I get, she will call me and ask me to bring over milk when she has both of her kids and husband home. She will send me out to get her cigarettes. GET THIS ONE: okay let me set the scene. It is her neighbors baby shower okay, so my boy friend’s mom and I go to babies r us to buy her a gift from ME (she had already knitted her a blanket so she was not buying her a gift) the whole time on the way she was ranting and raving about how she is not buying anything because the girl is a b**** and she already made the blanket yada yada. So we get to babies r us and I get her registry and pick out a excer-saucer to buy her, so I find her in the isle and tell her that im allset the guy is bringing up my gift and we can go, she asks me what I got, I said the excer-saucer. She goes “Oh no, your not even close to her, that’s too much money pick out something else.” I said “I want to buy it her registry is full, no one bought her anything off it and its not expensive, its only $50”. She continues to say no no no, your not getting that. So I give up, I pick her out a bathrobe and some soaps and stuff. So now we get up to the register and the saucer is sitting there, “I say see that’s what I was going to get” she said “ oh that’s cute”. So I pay for my stuff we are walking out, she turns around and says to the cashier “Ill take this” (MEANING THE SAUCER). So I don’t say anything, she pays, as we are walking out, she says “ you know that was a good idea you had, I just thought about it, now when the baby is born I don’t have to buy her anything, I’m allset now”. I COULDN’T BELIEVE IT! Its like she thinks Im trying to get everyone to like me better than her? How do I live with this woman? I can’t deal with this my whole life. ADVICE PLEASE!!!!!

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4 Responses to “Where to begin… PART 2”

dolly lama said on 04/03/10 @ 3:59am United States

Please stop bringing 5 and 8 year olds around volatile KNOWN drug addicts and theives. You act shocked MIL “allowed” BIL (an adult) to treat you (an adult) that way, while YOU bring your innocent young siblings to be exposed to that stealing high man. Girl, learn to be accountable for YOURSELF.

MIL doesn’t treat you with respect because you don’t require her to. Are you hoping if you clean enough of her dirty floors she’ll like you? Next time she “send you out” to fetch her ciggies, say “No Thank You.” Stop ferrying g milk deliveries for her 26-year old baby BIL to nurse on. Why are you vacuuming the dirty house of this grown woman and her addict son? Stop this doormat act – you’ll feel more self-respect!

You don’t “have” to go back and forth between each parents house on Xmas or any day. You CHOOSE to. You are an adult. You and BF have Free Will. Be accountable for yourself and your choices. Don’t Blame Other People for whatever YOU choose to do. You’ve got the Power!

If you don’t want to go somewhere, say “I’m sorry, we can’t make it”. (Do not give a reason why. People ask for your reasons so they can attempt to invalidate them.) What you do when you’re not with them is not their business. Just repeat “I’m sorry, we won’t be there.”

If you would like privacy with your boyfriend, provide it yourself, or ask your BF of 5 years to provide it for you. Don’t expect other people not in your love relationship to provide you with privacy while you are in their house. Privacy is a Premium Luxury. People go to horrible jobs every day just to have an endless supply of it when they get home.

Relationships are mutual. Do you see where BF is also “attached” to your MIL “like a leach”. Do not see a man as a helpless baby. This grown man chooses to stay in an environment where he is babied, pampered, powdered, burped. He might like to play helpwess, but he’s not.

Find that self-respect that I can tell is in there, and shine it to a high polish. Stand up for yourself in a very polite but firm way – always. You don’t like where you’re hanging out, then use those feet God gave you and hang out somewhere else. Realize YOU and YOU ALONE are responsible for what you do, where you live, and how much time you spend with losers and their enablers. (P.S. Look up “enabler” to find a pic of MIL).

Kate23 said on 04/03/10 @ 6:05pm United States

thank you for the advice, honestly I keep reading over what you said and you make so much sense. I am accountable for the way she treats me because I let it go on this far, I need to have a voice I guess, I am just nervous, I don’t like confrontation and I guess you can say I lack the confidence and self-respect I guess to stand up for myself. But reading what you wrote is giving me a push to do it. Should I sit down and talk to her or wait for the next episode? I know its only around the corner…

louise said on 04/03/10 @ 7:53pm United States

Wait for it. When she starts in on you, that is when you yank her chain up to correct her behavior. Be prepared for it to get worse before the retraining sinks in any. Your Bil acts like a toad because he has been allowed to. Starch your spine and get on with your NO’s, I will not be treated this way. If you need to put them in a time-out ….do so with no reservations.

Good luck.

dolly lama said on 05/03/10 @ 12:56am United States

Kate you’re a sweet, king, fun, friendly woman, and MIL is a fool for not appreciating you. She sounds jealous of you, your youth, your spirit. Do treat yourself with respect. “Be ASSERTIVE, not aggressive.”

I obviously don’t know all the details about your life, especially about how MUCH time you might be spending in HER house. If you’re there all day every day, in a sort of structureless room-mate way (”leaching” off her, perhaps, to use your word?) , then you probably DO have more responsibilities to this household than I am assuming in the below post:

No confrontation with MIL! Confront her about what?

If there’s anyone you want to talk with, it should be BF. You may want to give him the heads up that when you’re visiting Him as His GUEST, you will no longer clean up BIL’s dirt and fetch MIL’s ciggies as part of your dating activities. (Unless it’s something you 2 want to do together).

ONLY go to MIL’s house when BF is There. Otherwise, you’re Not His GUEST, you’re just In HER House. THIS one factor is Most Important.

When you are in MIL’s house as BF’s Guest, you must always be polite, calm, respectful to her. “Please” and “Thank You” and “No Thank You”.

If MIL says something rude, the polite response is: “Excuse Me?”

Do not overstay your welcome in someone else’s house. (Unless you basically plan to be a room-mate like BIL is, and then you SHOULD absolutely contribute money and labor to the household you “live” in, like any room-mate would.)

If while you’re visiting BF as his GUEST, and MIL mention she needs this or that, say nothing. If MIL specifically ASKS you to do something for BIL, say: “I’ll let BF know you asked about that.”

BF can decide if He wants to help MIL enable BIL by cleaning up after him, or if He wants to run for MIL’s ciggies so she can make BIL his scooby snack.

BF staring into space leaving you to respond while MIL asks you to help play junior maid for unemployed BIL, is BF expecting you to help MIL enable BIL. (That’s why it’s BF you should sweetly (of course) inform that you won’t be).

If necessary, BF should speak on your behalf if MIL gets mad at you, for you not filling in where HE lacks as a room-mate. He should say “Mom, it’s my job to get my milk, not my GF’s.”

Same thing – Don’t get mad at MIL when she doesn’t fill in where BF lacks as a BF. It would have been entirely appropriate for BF to say to his bro “Dude, please don’t cuss in front of my GF’s kids.” BF didn’t. It would be entirely appropriate for you or BF to rent some Privacy (they sell it by the night (hotel), week, month, year (lease)). BF doesn’t.

Let BF know what you expect of Him as a Man (not his mother or his brother), so He Knows (Men often don’t know unless you tell them). Good luck!