Need a little bit of advice, now we’ve broken away from mental MIL & FIL.
by Fleur on 03/01 @ 5:25pmHubby and I met when we were young, but his crazy, alcoholic parents quickly made it clear that (for some reason) he could either have me or them … he refused to choose, so they threw him out, and we had years of harassment and crazy, out-of-this-world behaviour from them … we FINALLY managed to move away, and now we are safe (veeery far away, and we now know our legal rights), but we would like to send Christmas/birthday cards to relatives (it was only hubby’s parents who abused us) .. especially his two sisters who are heartbroken about losing him, and his lovely aunts … we’re not sure whether this is a good idea? I don’t see it is bad, as it shows them what we want to show – we remember them/care for them/didn’t want to lose them/etc .. do you all think it’s OK? We won’t give our address don’t worry, but we just want them to know we still consider THEM family …
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Advice
6 Responses to “Need a little bit of advice, now we’ve broken away from mental MIL & FIL.”
Of course it’s okay, you get to choose who you want to stay in contact with and continue a relationship with. Why wouldn’t it be okay? Just because members of your family have decided to ruin relationships with you doesn’t mean the other members of your family who HAVE respected you need to suffer. I would encourage you to continue relationships with those you care about and have not treated you poorly, afterall, it isn’t their fault!
If DH’s sisters are still under 18, or if they live with his parents, then contact may not be a good idea with them. Aunts are adults and living separate as well, then go for it.
Unless you fear any of them sharing contact or other information (with the internet it’s easier than ever to track people down) with the PILs, particularly if they mention contact with you to the PILs and the PILs pressure them to do so, go for it.
I can’t think why they wouldn’t love to hear from you. And if they are so affected by the PIL’s that they they aren’t thrilled, it’s still no harm no foul.
Hi annoyedDIL – well the thing is that MIL and FIL turned them all against us with whatever lies they told to cover up their disgraceful behaviour, and so although they all miss hubby, we’ve had a few insults from them .. but only because they are so hurt thinking that hubby has mistreated his parents so … they are by no means ‘on our side’ but it’s not their fault, as they have ben fed a tissue of lies … it’s hard, as there’s no way we can keep any mutual contact with ANYONE from our old life, but we feel that we still want to send cards etc, so they know we’re thinking of them. We’ve been made out to be heartless monsters, and we just want to show those who we still care for that we’re not … show them how we really feel about them.
I just worry that it will do more harm than good: will it hurt/distress them to get cards etc from us?
Let those letters to the sane family be on their way. Keep your other family relatives in the loop of your lives and update them for their peace of mind.
i think there should b no harm in sending those cards.. because after all.. they r family n are bound to be worried about their son if not for u..specially if u didnt leave a forwarding address (which i think is the best thing for u n ur husband to have a peaceful life)
but be sure not to give them your address
If your purpose is to show them you care for them, and you’re genuinely concerned that birthday cards will hurt them, then perhaps a conversation (phone call) before sending the cards is in order.
Do not listen to abusive talk or insults, of course. Try to say “Hello, we were thinking of you. We know you’ve been told stories about us that are not true, but we still love you, think about you on special days, and we would like to send you cards and such, if it would not be upsetting to you to receive them.”
Perhaps they’d like to hear more. Perhaps they’ll just say “that would be fine.” If they say “No way” then you have your answer.