More like FATHER in LAW…with the mother in law added in…please help, im contemplating getting out of my marriage
by scholzie on 03/02 @ 2:47pmI know this is about MIL’s but I have a major father in law issue too. My husband and I got married last may(09). He and his family are very strong christians. I never grew up in a religous household. To put a long story in a nut shell, the reception they had for us was the 2nd worst day of my life after my dad dying when I was a little girl. The whole dinner was about my husband. Everyone wanted pix with just him, his family sang a song just about him, his parents flipped out because I just wanted it to be us at the head table. And to make things worse, all our gifts and cards were addressed to him. His girl cousins mocked me. And then his parents, specifically his dad said that I’m disrespectful to their family and walk all over everyones feet. Bottom line is, they are trying to turn me into someone I’m not, dont think I’m good enough for my husband, hate me, and think I’m disrespectful because I speak my mind(in a polite way mind you). His parents, and family treat me like absolute s*** and it hurts soooo badly. I have discussed this with him but he just brushes it off and wont talk to his parents about it or make them change. And they’re always calling him 3+ times a day which is soooo disrupting to our marriage. And what sucks even more is he asked his parents and family to check in on me and support me while he’s in afghanistan. He’s been there for the past God knows how many months and I havent heard anything from his parents. I dont know what to do. I’ve been to a psychologist, I’ve been to our church’s marriage counselor(which I was forced to go to). They’ll never change, and my husband wont be on my side at all. I dont want to keep living like this and am beginning to want out if things dont change. I’m only 24. and suggestions ladies???? Please I’m begging you.
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12 Responses to “More like FATHER in LAW…with the mother in law added in…please help, im contemplating getting out of my marriage”
I am really sorry to hear your wedding day was ruined.If your husband won’t back you there are two ways to handle this. Grin and bare it (which I don’t suggest) or leave. You are only a year into your marriage and this is how unhappy you are. No-one deserves to be unhappy not matter what age or how far into their marriage they are. You cannot change his family. I cannot stress this enough…they will not change. Ask your husband what he plans to do about this problem and yes it bothers you so it is his problem too. If he says nothing this will never work. He will always side with his family over you. In that case he should have waited till they were dead to marry someone.
I have similar problems with my in-laws but my husband shut them out long ago, we have been together for 11years and are happly married. The way they treat you is wrong and unacceptable. No-one can treat you like this unless you let them…don’t.
If it were me (& I have been there), I would tell his family in no uncertain terms are that their opinions of you will never effect you. If they choose to act like your nothing, then they too are nothing. Don’t give your power over to them by letting them control your emotions. It sounds to me like they think that they are so important that it is a privilege to have them like you & therefore must believe that everyone would kill to be in their little club. One of my brother in laws has that attitude & he truly believes that everyone that he comes across worships the ground he walks on & can’t cope with everyday life is he doesn’t like them. I disliked him from day one, he is the worst momma’s boy I have ever seen. He owns his own company (which he has no clue how to do). He calls his mom on average 9 times a day. He will call from his cell & if there is no answer, he will hang up & immediately call from his house phone, no answer again, calls back on his cell right away & will do this until someone answers. When he does talk to her, he will call back no more then 20 minutes later to talk to her again & this goes on all day & night, everyday. He tried his “I know u NEED me to like you” attitude on me & when he saw I didn’t care, it was him who couldn’t cope. He can’t handle the thought of someone not wanting to kiss his ass & copes with it by acting even more like a moron. His dad is pretty much the same way but with him it’s an obsession with him to control everything & it drives him insane that he can’t control me. There for all the in-laws who have happily become their puppets also love to call me down & try to make my life hell but I always tell them the same thing, “For me to react to your bullsh*t, that would mean I would care on some level about what you feel & think & I could care less. Just move along, there is no reaction to be had here.” Without fail the tables will turn so fast & once they see that their opinions & actions have no effect on you, they will switch gears & do what they can to get you to care. When they revert back to thinking everyone wants to be liked by them I simply say “Don’t believe everything you think, it shows people how pathetic you really are.” When they run their mouths I just say “Go lay down by your bowl.” No matter how many times I say it, they react the same way every time. Disbelief that someone would say that to them & then make an even bigger ass of themselves by throwing a tantrum. I hope this helped :~)
Scholzie, If what you want is his parents and family and cousins to treat you with respect, or to show you some love, that’s not possible. You may think these animals have some value because they’re related to DH, and that their love and respect is worth something, but they actually are worth nothing. They are not your family, they are not your friends, they are no one to you. If you do not seek or expect approval from nasty beasts who aren’t worth diddly, you can and will find peace within yourself.
You CAN treat yourself with respect. DH brushes it off when people treat you like dirt, then it’s up to you to brush off people who treat you like dirt. Since you’re “nothing” to them, why would you spend one minute of your life with them. No phone calls, no visits, no hosting dinners, no going to their parties, they’re done. When people want other people to be around them, they treat them with basic courtesy. You’re no fool, you don’t go where you’re not wanted.
And don’t let him for one second try to pressure you into spending one minute with them, if he’s not willing to make a single effort for you. He can tell his parents to treat you with basic respect, or you can not go where you’re not treated with basic respect. His choice. Your self-respect.
When DH is home, what do your marriage counselors think of a grown man who accepts calls from his parents 3x a day. Would DH be willing to limit it to one call a day, and let the other 2 go to vm.
I’d forget about his cruddy dirt family, and focus on DH. What you like about him, what you’d like to change, what you can handle and what you can’t. Then tell him. He doesn’t care about how his family treats you, but what’s most important to predicting your marriage’s success is if he cares about the way HE treats you. If he doesn’t care about that either, then that’s not a marriage worth keeping.
Why did your spouse allow the wedding to proceed in such a manner? If your spouse does not understand that his priority lies with his spouse than you need to really think about the entire marriage.
I cant imagine being married to a man that did not make me #1
dolly lama is right.. these ppl r not worth throwing ur marriage away but if n only if your husband and you come to a solution together about this.. u have to discuss the matter thoroughly with him and tell him point blank that how they treat you is NOT OK with you.. and if he wants to have a happy married life with you he has to make these things stop. dont try to convince him or anything.. tell him your point of view about all this but dont expect him to understand because they just dont or won’t. and then give him two options. either he has to make them stop or if he cannot do that then you will not resume any contact or relationship with people who cannot respect you.
Hey scholzie,
Our inlaws must be one and the same. My Mil &SIL completely ruined our wedding so bad that we didn’t even have a photographer, so we had a vow renewal in the Caribbean during our honeymoon just for pics! Then had our party / reception upon our return. At the beginning of the reception my Mil stood with my hubby at the door greeting guests as if she were the bride!!
I put up with it for far too long. My inlaws are ‘well respected Christians’ too
It took awhile to convince my hubby to grow up and stand up to his parents. My hubby admits he’s afraid of them and their disapproval. It finally came to a head when I kicked him out and told him I’d rather be alone than second to his lying, hypocritical mommy. She had put him in a position to choose in the first place(which was wrong of her) so I was forcing him to rethink that choice.
I wont lie, things were ugly for quite awhile. My MIL hid behind her Christianity whenever it was convenient for her. But the truth is, if she were half the Christian that she claimed to be, then none of her poor behavior. Would exist, or in the very least she’d admit to it and apologize.
Explain all of that to your hubby. Also, read Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward. That book was the nail that sealed the coffin in cutting my in-laws out of our
lives.
Oh, have you ever looked up the word hypocrite? One of the first definitions of it describes a hypocrite as someone who puts on a false appearance, virtue or religion.
I don’t know about you, but I really expected my MIL’s pic to be posted next to a definition like that one.
Good luck!!
Hey, I’m sad to read your story. The other ladies are right, his family will never change. You’re upset that they want you to change, become as fervently religious as your in-laws, and you want them to accept you as you are. I’d say that you are at an impass.
You’ve sought help outside your marriage, a psychologist and a church counselor (how were you forced into that one?!), what advice did they give you? Have you really laid it all out for your husband? That if he doesn’t start taking your side that you’re about to leave for some peace of mind? For such a religious man he’s ignoring the fact that he is supposed to forsake all others when he takes a wife. Perhaps you should remind him of that.
I understand how difficult it can be during a deployment, the lonlieness can be unbearable and a short phone call from someone who loves your husband as much as you can be such a comfort. But, knowing your in-laws, how much comfort would they share with you? Maybe they’re distance is a blessing.
His family is delusional, but let’s not forget that FIRST and FOREMOST he has been complicit in this emotional abuse. Do you feel like he cares about you? Respects you? Stands up for you? Acts like an equal partner? Encourages you to feel like his equal? If not, then who cares about his family, leave this marriage and never look back. You’re only 24. Your whole life is ahead of you, decades of opportunities, lots of men to meet who will treat you with respect. Maybe I’m wrong, but it sounds like your husband is a big part of the problem. He didn’t even care that people were mocking you on your wedding day?! C’mon! This isn’t a husband. This isn’t someone who respects women (and it certainly doesn’t sound like his parents could have raised someone who does).
Is there really any way to solve this problem? Would the only solution be that each and every one of these people has to completely change their personalities? That’s not going to happen and it’s not something you can control. You only control your reaction.
No matter who you are or what you’ve done, you’re better than this.
I hate to tell you this but if he was letting them walk all over you and treat you like this BEFORE you got married then he most likely wont change after. If you Husband isnt going to support you in any way then he doesnt deserve you.
I would seriously start being a flaming b@#$%. Speak you mind, and dont do it in a nice way. Seriously let his family know youve had enough. You probably are so in love with him, but if he cant deal with you sticking up for yourself-since he dosnt care enough to- then let him leave you. Let him know you will not let anyone treat you that way, and if he wants a weak woman who lets herself be a punching bag, than he can go get one. You see all of the problems women have on here when kids come along, you dont want that. stand up for yourself now before you get in so deep that you dont have the strength to. If your financially unable to be by yourself, start saving money now, and when your husband refuses to stand up for you, or ignores his parents gross behavior, you can smile in your mind, because youll know when you leave he is going to realize he shouldnt have been so unattentive. I cant believe he let them ruin your wedding. My fiance and I have been together for almost seven years, and believe me Ive had to do some conditioning to get him to stand up for me, let alone himself. Thank god he started to see just how his mother really is. Ive had to point out to him how they treat him. Its not just me that they treat a certain way. But you really dont want to try and do that with someone who dosnt see that his parents are disrespecting you in such a big way. Your wedding should have been about you. Your gifts/cards should have been addressed to the both of you. I cant believe they did that to you, and I dont even know you, but im angry for you. I would personally email your mother and father in law and tell them just how horrible they are. Its not very christian behavior on their part. Let alone common decent behavior.
I would have left my husband at the alter had he allowed his family to do that to me! Hunny if he wont stand up for you, there is something wrong! He needs to pull his head out of his ass and stand up for his wife! According to the Bible, he is to LEAVE his family and CLEAVE to his wife and if he cant do this and respect you and your marriage the way he should then he is not mature enough to be married!
I would try everything to work it out with your hubby first. Exhaust all resources and give it your all. Hes going to have to learn to stand up to his parents. I went through the same thing. Weve seen three different therapists (christian and MD) and moved 200 miles away- it was the only chance to see if we could make it work with out the CONSTANT stress of the in laws. If hes grown up the past 24 years doing everything his parents said, it takes some time to reverse that and believe me they will fight it!!!
I second the book toxic in-laws.