Mother-in-Law HELL

My fiance and I just got engaged recently. We had wanted to get engaged 6 months ago, but decided to wait, since his family was convinced he wasn’t ready yet…his mother was extremely meddlesome at the time…we put up for it for several months..we even had a confrontation about it (she forced me into her house and made me talk to her and her husband about marriage).We even ended up breaking up for a little while. We got back together and even secretly dated again until we knew she knew we were dating again…and stopped hiding it. Since we dropped the idea of marriage for a long time, the meddling stopped, however I avoided her house as much as possible. I am sure she could tell I felt uncomfortable around her. She is extremely controling, manipulative, domineering, opinionated, pushy, and almost seems like she has some sort of personality disorder. I am 4 years older, 29……and my fiance is only 25 right now. I know that is younger, but the age doesn’t really matter to us.

Anyways, over time we have realized that we definitely want to spend our lives together. And he feels ready now…so we got engaged almost a month ago now(on Valentine’s day) We were originally planning on a long engagement (a year and a half or so)…we aren’t really in a rush and didn’t want to think about things/plan for a wedding yet. A couple of weeks before we got engaged, his mother even changed her tune and sent an “approving” email to my boyfriend, saying she was wondering if we were still moving towards marriage and how she hoped we worked things out, that they love me, that she tries to make me comfortable, that she wants a good relationship with me, etc.(I’m not sure how she could sense he was thinking about it right then) His mother was also being really nice to me….

Since his mother was so meddlesome previously, we had originally planned not to tell his parents (and mine to be fair) that we were engaged until we set the date, and started Catholic marriage classes, etc. We didn’t want to tell them because we knew they would react negatively and my fiance was even worried it would turn into a “bullyfest.” Well unfortunately, my fiance accidentally told his mother he proposed to me when he was waking up from a surgery and was loopy from the anesthetics! He also forgot to tell me that he even told her, since he was so loopy from the painkillers… I did feel it wasn’t the appropriate time to tell them amidst his surgery. Well, I wasn’t wearing the ring at the hospital since we hadn’t mutually agreed to announce it to our families yet. Well, then she later asks her son, “why are you guys trying to hide it?” So ever since then, I have worn the ring and don’t take it off.

Since his family already knew, we had planned on saying something to his parents, officially. I even wrote it down and practiced it…..something short about how we just got engaged, how it wasn’t appropriate to tell them during his surgery, that i just want to make their son happy, that we’re going to have a long engagement, etc…. However, he’s still been on pain medication and stranded at his parents’ house, etc…we’ve been too nervous to talk to them about it…worried about their reaction…we had planned on telling his whole family at the same time over dinner to prevent a “bullyfest”. We’re so nervous about it and decided that we would talk to them when he’s feeling better(since he is recovering right now)

They both have seen the ring (I’ve seen them look at my hand…and it’s kinda hard to miss my diamond). They haven’t said a WORD to us about it. My fiance just said, “they’re waiting for us to say something officially to them about it.” He said, don’t worry they are supportive and accepting of it. I felt very comfortable in their home(i go there often now due to his recovery from surgery) for awhile, but just in the past couple days I started feeling nervous going over there again. Well then I said to my fiance, “don’t you think it’s weird they haven’t said a word to us?…usually parent’s congratulate you” He still insisted he thought they would be accepting. And like I said, she’s been really nice to me lately. He said that he tried to break the ice to her a few days before and said, have you seen her diamond yet, and she said no i haven’t. (I thought she was pretending to not have noticed it, while he interpreted it as she wanted to see the ring upclose)

Well, then just last night we got a surprise!! He was checking his email and I was sitting next to him (since he’s recovering I sit next to him), he opened an email from his mom. We both could sense it was her meddling…I could feel it. All we did was read 3 or 4 sentences in different spots out of a 5 paragraph email. Before I or he could read anymore, my boyfriend said he was deleting it and emptied the trash. It was going on and on about how young my boyfriend is, too young for a “serious relationship”, at least the kind that I want or expect…going on about how she got married at age 20 and was just figuring out her place in the world, and implying that he’s just figuring out his place in the world and that he’s a late bloomer, etc. She even in the email wouldn’t acknowledge/use the words of engagement/marriage…just “serious relationship” as if in denial. I was not expecting her to get completely meddlesome like this again, I’m not sure why, but probably because she’s been so nice and welcoming to me lately…I know she’s entitled to her opinion, but to us this is her beginning to meddle again(she was over the line months ago!). I’m a sensitive and shy person, and of course this made me cry a lot:( He said he wanted to say something to her because now that we’re engaged she needs to back off!

Well, after I left his house he did confront her(big step for him)! He called her twofaced(which is what I said she was…since she’s so nice to me and sends an approving email, then swings the other way, etc). And told her he didn’t appreciate her emailing him about that, and how she had upset me, etc. I’m not sure what else he said…he used a firm voice. He said his mom got really mad back and was mad he let me see the email. He said to his mom, well I dont keep secrets from her! She then started going off on how he’s a failure of a first born child! (totally not true!…she tries to pull down his self-esteem) I heard that today she said she didn’t want to make me cry, but that she and her husband didn’t see anything offensive in that email. (Well, all we did was read 3 or 4 sentences and could tell where it was headed and how it was meddling) We decided if she tries to talk to him about us, that he should try to drop the subject by saying “it’s not up for discussion” to draw the line.

So I think we got so shaken up by her meddling again(which is what we were originally afraid of happening as a reaction) that we are thinking of shortening our engagement now. We were thinking a year and a half from now…but we aren’t too sure we can handle a year and a half of her meddling/trying to convince him not to marry. We are thinking of getting married within 9 to 12 months from now(winter or spring, as opposed to summer). Now we really don’t want to discuss it or any details with them. We want to find our church(already have a couple in mind), set a date, and begin our marriage classes after he’s recovered from his surgery. We want to do all that before we do anymore “discussing” with his family. (In the past, his mother bought him a Gameover t-shirt, his brother told him to breakup with me everyday for 3 months after his mother convinced him to “talk sense into his brother”, they suggested we elope, she tried to send him out of the country, scare him about kids, scare him and make up about how I just want a baby so badly I would leave him after I have a kid, and they go on and on about how you shouldnt get married til you’re in your 40s!) I was going to tell my family the next time I go home that we’re engaged now, but we’ve decided that it would be better to tell them together when my boyfriend is feeling better (from his surgery). It’s my boyfriend/fiance’s idea to shorten the engagement, due to his meddling mother! I think I want to do that!

I’m writing this somewhat to vent, as I have no one really to talk to about this. However, I really don’t know what to do. Should we bring it up to his family? Should we continue to avoid until we set a date and everything? Just so unsure at the moment. Luckily, he will be out of his parents house again in a couple weeks, once he’s recovered. After this email incident I didn’t want to go back to their house, but I have to if I want to see him! And he wants to see me often due to his recovery (he’s not working or anything)….we’ve grown really close in these past couple of weeks after his surgery since we see eachother so often.

Well thanks for listening.