My wedding is 6 moths away, My soon to be hubby, works for them. So he feels that the more he talks about me the more tension it puts on his job from them. So he is not telling them anything about the wedding. He feels that when we send out the STD or the Invatation that, that is enough. So I sent the STD to his mom and she proceeded to tell him that ” I will never be part of the family and neither will my children”. So they are now giving him more stricter restriction on his leave time for our wedding and saying that he has to be there earlier then he has ever before and requiring dr notes. ITs gettting worse and worse by the day. Any ideas ???
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10 Responses to “Wedding”
Your fiance should look for another job, starting today.
It is clear his parents do not want him to get married and they are making it harder and harder for him to achieve that goal.
“I will never be part of the family and neither will my children”.
Well, it is a blessing in disguise! No visits from grandma, no grandma telling you how to raise your child, etc.
What did your fiance say about this? If he has his priorities straight (you as first priority, I mean), he must put his mother in place now.
As for you, you do not have to talk to her. His mother, his problem.
If he is not willing to cut the umbilical cord that keeps him joined to his parents, you would be much better off not marrying him.
There are only two roads to take here. Either 1) he quits his job working for his parents and finds something else, or 2) he has a very serious talk with them about their behavior (in which case he may have to be willing to get fired if they are upset enough – though he will have some legal recourse to threaten if he is unlawfully terminated).
Your future husband has the right idea about keeping his parents out of the planning process. Clearly they think you’re behind the secrecy and if I were you I’d start wondering how he portrays you to his parents while at work. Why do they dislike you? Do you have a history with them? These details are relevant and you don’t really give us much to work with.
In the end, when you give parents a role in your wedding, your job, your home life, your childcare, etc. you give them a position of power in your life. It also makes it much harder to stand up to them because it gives them a threat to use – we won’t help you financially, we won’t babysit anymore, or in your case: we will fire you or make your work life miserable. They have the power and you have nothing but a broken ego and a lot of anger. The solution is to put them back in their place as parents only (a role that you and your husband define together based on their behavior). But that requires a job change for your future husband. Only the two of you know if that’s possible. Remember that this is just a taste of what sort of havoc they are willing to wreak on your lives. They don’t seem to treat their son much better than they treat you, so don’t expect much understanding in the future. Be happy that they don’t want anything to do with any future children you may have – hold them to that.
Sounds to me like Hubby is going to have to lay down the law with his family or forever be their whipping boy with you in tow. You don’t mention what kind of business it is, or if he has a potential to leave, but the truth of the matter is that he will always be under his parents thumb as long as he works for them. Are you prepared to let them run your life??
I’ve recommened the book Toxic In-Laws to other DIL’s on this sight repeatededly, and I’m going to do the same for you. In that book there is a couple in the exact same scenario that you are in…I suggest that you don’t let the future in-laws get as tight of control on your marriage as the couple in that book did until the H finally left his parents business and ventured on his own…
It’s a really tough situation because you just can’t cut them out when they’re the ones writing the paychecks. If they are as adamant as you say, then I suggest that you and future hubby have a serious heart to heart about a career move for him…it’ll be the only way to get out from under their control….good luck and let us know how it goes.
It might be time for your hubby to be to start looking for a new job.
Yes, your hubby-to-be needs to start looking for another job, ASAP.
He needs to stand up to his mommy and tell her that if she can’t accept you and your children as a part of the family, then she obviously can no longer accept him either; turn in his two week notice, and leave and not return until she apologizes to you both.
I agree with Louise – your husband needs a new job and to get out from under their thumbs. I hope he is in agreement with you on this. If not, then you might wan to rethink the wedding. If MIL doesn’t consider you or your children (does she mean current children? future children you have with her son) “family” – DON’T let it hurt your feelings (certainly don’t let her know about it) but DO take her words literally. If you’re not “family” then you have NO obligation to do anything with her ever again. Stay away from her – if your husband chooses to do the same, great – but if he does make sure that she knows it is HIS choice to stand by his wife (as he should). You will get the blame for this so you have to make sure he is the one making the decision and sticking by it.
I WISH during one of my FMIL rants she would slip and let out soemthing about how I”m not family – then I can turn her logic against her and refuse to have anythign to do with her. Make them eat their words..
If your future husband does not want to be under his parents’ thumb, then he needs to find a new job that does not involve them “punishing” him when they don’t like what he is doing outside of work.
Indeed, if you are “not family” then you don’t have to involve them in anything or communicate with them in any way. At least your fiancee was smart enough not to share any wedding details because of how immature his parents were behaving.
Tell fiancee that you are postponing the wedding until he can get other employment so you will not be slaves to the in-laws’ desires once you are married. You think things are bad now. They will make your life pure hell after you are married. Cut the financial ties with them now. You don’t need to go into a marriage with this sort of ridiculous thing hanging over your heads.
Yikes. Too much control. Future hubby needs to find a new job. I know the economy is tough but this is just the beginning of your woes if he continues to work for his parents. My husband worked for a family member before, it was hell. It wasn’t his parents but this person was very involved in our lives. When hubby finally got a new job, this person refused to give him his last paycheck. I am so glad that chapter of our lives is over.
It is never smart to work for a family member — especially one or ones that are controlling and manipulative. Cut those ties first or this marriage is headed for trouble of the worst kind. Somebody you can’t stand should never be in control of your financial well-being.
I would tell them if they don’t want to be apart of the child’s life then they dont have to be!!!! that is less BS that you have to deal with! if they are that selfish then let them be miserable in their own world! your future hubby needs to start looking for another job outside of the family…if he stays with them, they will ALWAYS try to keep you and him under their Thumb!! maybe call their bluff as far as the leave time and see what happens but ultimately he needs to find another job…and i agree with Bonnie! what does he say about all of this?? where are his loyalties and priorities!!???? That truly is a bold and nasty statement to make about family!