I dont want to say much.. This is just so that I get it out of my system.. We got married about an year ago.. When we were back in India, my MIL was really controlling.. She knew what clothes I had.. Inspected everything.. She insulted my mother and my grandmother at the wedding..Fussing about silly things.. She and my husband got together and stopped me from seeing my mom and picking her up from a point.. She has control over my assets.. Which is back in India.. I feel very bad.. I cant stop the control and my husband denies that his mother is wrong.. His mother insults my mother a lot, says nasty things in a very subtle way..My husband adores his mother as she lives away from her husband and supports her life financially..He is nice to me here.. but I know when I go there things will take a diffrent turn.. with her brainwashing.. I know my husband wont stand up for me. She wants to get close to me that is what she tells my husbnad.. But I dont want her to control my life.. I felt miserable after marraige.. But there was no turning back..Every marriage has it’s problems and my marriage with my husband is good apart from this.. we share a lotta things, he is ready to support my education …we travel a lot.. My inlaws had never ending demands for the wedding for the silver an gold blah blah.. I am planning to study further and make something outta my life here.. Just trying to forget the things she put me through.. She does everything so indirectly that my husband believes her a 100%… I dont know what I should do, but I need to fix my life before blaming someone for my life.. Here in the states plan to study further and build my own identity…But my biggest fear is to go back to India.. Do I need permission from her to meet my parents? My future with my husband will be scary once she enters our life again…Do you think I should start sharing my life with her and talk to her frequently?
-
» No related posts
Loading ...
Advice
5 Responses to “this is what it is..”
No, don’t share ANYTHING with this woman. Especially your emotions. Stay in the US, get your education and build a life/identity of your own. Enjoy your marriage to your husband but when his mother comes into the picture, step back and disengage. There is a stereotype of the Indian MIL who treats her son like a raja and her DIL like sh*t – but often, if DIL steps back, son becomes the victim of her nagging and control issues.
When you go back to India, don’t ASK for permission to go visit your parents, TELL them you are going and then go. If they try to stop you then you know you are probably in an abusive situation. If anyone ever tries to stop you from seeing/talking to your family that is a HUGE red flag that there are SERIOUS problems. Good luck and stay strong!
Do not share anything with this woman. All she wants is control over you. If she finds any weak spots in your armor she will use them to her full advantage and slay you. I am in a similar situation with a control-freak Asain MIL. I limit my conversations to “hi” and “bye.” I spend the rest of my time pretending my in-laws are not in the room. Thankfully they have their own home. Unfortunately, they have a profound need to rule my life and wish to raise my children themselves. I suppose I am the wet nurse. They tell me how “disrespectful” I am every time I ignore what they say or don’t follow their wonderful advice (which is constantly). Try to stay in the US and get your own bank account here.
That way, if your are forced to make a choice between your sanity and moving in with this horrible woman, you will have a few options. Personally, if your husband wanted to visit/return to India, he could go by HIMSELF.
Disrespectful dil is spot on.. Right now just concentrate on making yourself strong.. You have the opportunity to do it there in the US.. Have your own bank account.. Take a very decent degree and than get a good job otherwise there’s no limit to this woman.. And you wont ever be able to make your husband change his mind about her.. Thats just how it is in india and pak.. And be strong.. Lay some boundries for them as to what they can make you do and what they cant.. And just tell your husband thats how it is and that they all should learn to live with that cause if you dont.. soon enough they’ll be telling you when you can breath and when not!!
@missionimpossiable
I understand your pain.
Listen girl…you do not need to ask anyone to see your parents. You don’t need to ask your in-laws, not even your husband. If and when you do go back to visit….then visit your parents first, and stay there for as many days as you want. And then go and visit your in-laws, and make that visit short and sweet. OR…try to visit your in-laws first for few days (get it done and over with) and then just leave and visit your parents for the rest of your trip…trust me it will be much more enjoyable.
If your in-laws do come to stay with you…be respectful, but strong at the same time. It is your home, your life and they are just guests in it.
My in-laws live back home too, but my parents are here (thank god) and I have aunts and uncles back home. And my husband goes there by himself, I will never go with him (because our first visit together was traumatizing enough, and don’t want to go through that again). But if I ever go back (alone), I will only visit them for less than half of my trip, and the rest of it I will spend with my extended family….and the same thing will happen even when we have kids.
bottom line….YOU control your own life
I can relate to you
Though my mil is sweet poison
She never insults on face but im sure behind back she is nasty as hell
Back in india my hubby returned to work aftr 15 day of marriage and I had to stay with her
My parents would take me for a few days every month but she made it clear that if her son was around I shouldnt stay at my parents place
She bitches backbites gossips and manipulates everyone
She stayed with me here for four months
Each day was traumatising
I still get nervous even thinking of her visiting again
This was my first time here so she came along to “set” me here
Like as if Im a kid
Acts like as if she does everything and Im lazy
I want to avoid her at any cost she makes my life a hell. My mind is never at rest
I understand your situation
I agree with disrespectful dil but at times just ignoring them is not easy
As indians say when you marry a boy you marry his whole family