Okay! Wow! Where to start, there are so many things that bother me about her! My MIL is always, I mean ALWAYS telling me of better ways to do EVERYTHING that I do. Ofcourse, Im not perfect and everyone needs advice but she always has something to say about my every move! She hates the fact that I don’t work because I was a full time student and now that Im out of school she pressures me soo much! Every single time I would see her it was the same thing “when are you getting certified?” “what are your plans” I mean, ok, people are interested I understand but every single time she asks and acts like shes never asked me before!! Its aggrevating, I just think to myself like “didn’t I mention that the last time? and the time before that?” She looves to act like she can tell people what to do in front of others. One example, when I finished school she knew that I was looking online as well as going places so she tells me in front of her sisters “”she”said that her sister got a job by walking from clinic to clinic asking for a job, so make sure you do that she said her sister never looked online” my response was “oh I do, do that. I never said I was only looking online” but every time I defend myself in that way its always in the most respectful way and still Im soooo DISRESPECTFUL! I hate that!! She looves to switch everything around and Im just so thankful that my husband knows exactly how she is and every time her or his brothers do something rude to me, he has always been there to witness it so eventhough he knows I dont lie Im glad he gets to see it on his own. I get that shes trying to help me out since I just got out of school but OMG!!! She is FOREVER telling me “this person said you should do this, this person said you should do that” its like, thanks for your help but shut up already! I know its not a big deal that shes trying to help but I guess I feel like this because of all the stuff she has done to me. When my husband told her I was pregnant her response was that I look like the type of girl that got pregnant on purpose and looked for a good man that is her son to leave home. Man, Im so happy we are together because I love him and our daughter with all my heart but I was happy as well at home with my mom!! I told her once in confidence about my aunts divorce story and I told her how my family always tells me that for my husband and I to treat each other good because we are both very lucky and to not take advantage of each other. Well, she told my husband during an argument that they were having (cause she didnt want him to throw me a bday party!) that I told her that my family tells me all the time that I shouldnt take advantage of him and that my husband reminds them or my uncle who left my aunt. All this stuff that wasn’t even true! So I called her very upset for the first time, because everything she has ever done or his brother I have always left for his to fix but that time she crossed the line and I was just too fed up. Still, I didnt disrespect her but I did raise my voice a bit. Ok, last story, there are just soo many! She was disrespecting me one time about religion, big time! Asking me soo many questions and criticizing me about all my answers so my husband had a talk with her about it telling her that it was soo wrong because everything that she criticized me for was things she does too!! So weeks later (again in front of people) she starts asking me questions and saying stuff against what I believe and that is another reason why I called her that day also cause it was just too much that I couldnt hold in anymore. She is used to her other sons being there at her house all the time without their wifes and since my husband and I love to be together she used to always always tell us that we shouldnt always be together. All the time!! I mean, we looove being together! Whats so wrong about that, we still give eachother our own space but we just love to be together. I don’t know I have always noticed that to his mom and brothers…its ALWAYS, ALWAYS the wife’s fault. They could never be wrong! Felt good to get that out!! Uugh!
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Advice
4 Responses to “is it just me?”
Wow. Well, I’m not sure what you specific circumstances are, but it sounds like you might be on the young side and that some of your MIL’s unacceptable behavior comes from her perception that you two aren’t mature enough to take care of yourselves. Regardless of what the situation is, her behavior is classic passive-aggressive and it’s clearly designed to undermine your confidence and self-esteem and get you to rely on her for your self-worth. This is a favorite trick of toxic MILs. They want nothing more than to make you upset and sometimes there’s no good reason why! It’s born out of jealousy, a fear of being replaced, an inability to see how their actions appear to others, and lots of other personality defects that aren’t your problem to figure out.
What you do have going for you is your husband, and you’re so lucky for that. However, if he does understand the problem, then you might want to talk to him about sticking up for you in an attempt to put an end to this behavior. You could say something like “I know you’re sympathetic to the issues I have with your mom, but we can’t keep allowing her to get away with this behavior. I really need you to talk to her for me and tell her to lay off or else we’re going to have to spend a lot less time around her and your family because it’s not fair to me.”
You don’t deserve to be treated like an outsider or an incompetent. Let your MIL know that you see what she’s trying to do (reveal her to be the toxic leech that she is!) and tell her you won’t stand for it anymore. She needs to know, most importantly, that there are repercussions for treating you badly and that those range from limited time with you and your child, to a complete cut-off of contact, depending on her actions. Tell her the only people you consider family are the ones who treat you with respect (she doesn’t have to love you or treat you like a daughter, but she does have to treat you with dignity and respect).
It’s time for your husband to step up and let her know she’s not running this show any longer.
You are mistaking your MIL’s comments on your job finding as attempts to help you. They are not. Nothing you say or do will be good enough for this woman and anything you tell her in confidence will be filed away and twisted for later use, against you. She’s already shown you this.
Take a step back and stop sharing any information with her. When asked about your job hunt “It’s doing good.” and drop it. Don’t give any details, repeat yourself over and over if you have to. The sooner you do this the less problems you will have, but be prepared for her to be bossy and demanding as you start to do this. She wants control, a hook, a way of controlling you or getting to you.
I understand. I am 41 and developed seizures a year ago and have been unable to work. My husband has been working alot of overtime so that I am able to stay home for now. Every week my mother in law asks “when are you going back to work”..”has the doctor released you yet”..”my son is going to have a heart attack if he keeps working like this”. I already feel so bad! She doesnt have to keep reminding me what a loser I am. My husband has been very supportive and tells me to ignore her. Easier said then done. I dream of a full recovery……..A high paying job and FREEDOM
Definitely do not tell her anything else in confidence… she will only use against you or hang it over your head as a defect of you or your family..it is great that your husband gets to see some of the things that occur first hand..it is important so that he is not just hearing about it from you. im job hunting as well and my FMIL was always asking me about it in front of EVERYONE at family functions ( as if i don’t feel worse enough as it is being a college grad with no job) she had to ask me about it in front of everyone..i finally said to my fiance I’m only going to visit with your parents if you ask them to stop the interrogation about my job hunt and my feelings ever time it was brought up..he did and they stopped. So maybe that is something you can try as well.