IL’s come to visit at least 1-2 times a week. DH refuses to set boundaries for visits as I am being unfair. My ENTIRE FOO comes to visit maybe 3-4 times a year! When IL’s come to visit I am completely disrespected while DH is not around, as soon as he is present, IL’s become so pleasant towards me. IL’s refuse to respect my rules for my children and intentionally break them out of spite. My husband buys into their “I’m so stupid” acts, and accuses me of overreacting. DH and I have a great relationship otherwise, and the only thing we ever argue about is his FOO. He doesn’t always take their side, but he never stands up to them. If anything ever gets said it is by me, and I become the ungrateful DIL who doesn’t fit in with the family. One time DH and I sat down and had a talk with MIL about how I am treated and she played the “I didn’t know anything was wrong” and “Sometimes I just say things before thinking” cards, and DH bought it all which infuriates me. I am not completely blameless. It has got so bad and I get so stressed at every little thing by IL’s anymore that I nearly explode once a week. I know that this is just stressing DH and I don’t know how to get past these issues. I want DH to make it clear to his FOO that his loyalty is with me and our children now, but he sees that as me making him disown them. Like I stated early, DH and I never argue except over my IL’s, so it’s not like we have an already rocky relationship.
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6 Responses to “IL’s from Hell!”
Have a NANNY CAM ? View the tapes before you show your DH.
I bet you will find they are doing more to disrespect you than you even realize.
Though if your DH truly feels being loyal to you and the children, means he has to disown his parents, it might be time for a few quick counseling appointments. Even if you don’t fight about anything else, this feeling of not being important is enough to crush your love.
DREAD ! My in-laws were just like that too! They tried to turn my husband against me, he finally realized what they were up to and now he does not trust them at all. They tried to make my kids like them more than me, and now my kids hate them. The only person on my side was the cat, he would hiss at the in-laws everytime they came over!
So in time you will win, but it is hard right now. Just do the right thing and treat your husband and kids well.
I think it is OK to loose your temper and be the bitch when needed, because it would be worse for you to be a doormat and not protect your kids. Say what you honestly feel and what they did wrong, you go girl!
Here is what I did that helped me. I told my husband that the in-laws were being mean to me and that in order to control my temper, I would have to leave the room. Plus I had housework that needed to be done anyway so I would just go do it when they came over. So my husband got stuck hanging out with them, and the abuse that they were giving me kinda got dumped on him. Plus the in-laws admitted to him that they would never ask him to do the stuff they wanted me to do, since they would never treat a member of the family like they do me (we had been married 24 years at the time). That was all the proof that he needed that they were treating me bad then and always would. Plus he just got bored with their visits and tired of their wacky games.
Example; The in-laws would show up at dinner time and yell at me “Where’s dinner” !, so I would just turn off the stove and walk out of the kitchen, and go take a shower and get ready for bed. My husband could finish dinner if he wanted it, or not, whatever. I told him that is what I would do, and I did it. The kids had emergency granola bars in their rooms. Other times they came over to visit, so I just went in the other room and did housework, so by the time they finally left, I had plenty of time to do something fun. Sometimes I went and took a nap.
Sometimes I had a book already waiting outside, and I went and read it when they thought I was doing yard work. Maybe you can take the kids somewhere fun and leave the husband to babysit his parents when they come over. I bet picking on you is the main reason the in-laws come over, so remove yourself and your kids from the situation.
Simple – they are in your home right? Can you set up a hidden camera or tape recorder to tape the goings on when your DH isn’t in the room? Then present him with the evidence.
Tell your stupid husband it is HIS job to manage his family members and they can only come over when HE is there to handle them, because it is not your job and you are not going to do it any more.
Give him a list of the things they do which are inappropriate and tell you you would appreciate extra support from him in these areas.
And if you can, limit their visits to once a week. My horror story in-laws tried coming over every day! It was pure hell. They would whine to my husband about MORE time and how they were entitled to spend time with the grandkids. I finally told him he could make ME happy or THEM happy but not both — his choice. Thankfully he picked me, or his life would have become hell too.
People will only do to you what you put up with. Shame on your husband for allowing this unnecessary stress.
Frankly, I’d find someone he hated and constantly invite them over to make my point. Or, if he hates a certain animal or thing, I’d get that and tell him that you are SURE he will grow to love XYZ as YOU will grow to love the nice family intrusions on your life. Sometimes a guy needs a good thump on the head to understand.
What exactly is a FOO?
Family of origin?