At Wit’s End with Unfit and Disrespectful In-laws
by tiredofdisrespect1111 on 02/04 @ 3:15pmThis is my problem. I have a son who is only a little over a year old, and the first of both of my parents and my husband’s parents grandchildren. He is very much loved. The problem is my in-laws treat me with so little respect and purposely disrespect me, by cursing in front of my son when I ask them to stop, hitting him on the head (really, a child just over a year old), they say they watch him, but when I am around them, they leave him on the sofa and walk out of the room, and I have to take him off so he does not fall. My marriage is falling apart, because my husband either ignores this, thinks its funny and will not say anything to them. I am strict on bedtime because my son, still does not sleep through the night and naps and I get reamed by them for taking him home to get a nap or bed. They have nothing at their house, I have to bring everything, high chair, stroller, playyard, clothes, food, etc. I have asked them to buy stuff and keep it there, but they could care less. I am so afraid to have them babysit for me to the point where I have not had one person babysit my son and have not had a night out because my husband does not agree that his parents are unfit. They changed his diaper to not put it on correctly – they only put half of it on – they broke his coat by not zippering it properly and then covered it up by velcroing it and pretending it didn’t happen. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I have tried to speak up, but I am the bad guy all of the time and everyone thinks I am this neurotic pain in the neck. They call him fat (he’s not he’s actually underweight – they have weight issues, the whole family), then they yell when I feed him normal meals, then they try to feed him junk and don’t care if I tell them no. I am at my wit’s end and don’t know what to do anymore. They feel they can do whatever they want and I am so sick of it. They complain they don’t see him more, and yes, they don’t because they don’t respect me, my wishes or the welfare of my son. What makes this worse is my father in-law is a retired cop, you would think he knew better. Please help.
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Advice
8 Responses to “At Wit’s End with Unfit and Disrespectful In-laws”
Get marriage counseling! Now! Your husband is in denial. You will develop disrespect and resentment for him. Those feelings will destroy your marriage. Get it professional help.
Thank goodness you never let the PILs babysit. Do not let them alone with your child. That’s the same as leaving him unsupervised, since they do not supervise him.
Hitting your child is non-negotiable. Hitting a child is against the law and they can easily be arrested for assault and battery on a child.
They have no obligation to keep baby items at their home for your use. The best solution would be to keep the child where his supplies are.
If ANYONE ever yells at you or reams you, you excuse yourself and leave. If it’s in your home, get their coat and hat, sweetly tell them you will talk later when they’re able to talk. If you stand and take it when ANYONE yells at you, they will learn that you stand and take it when they yell. Removing yourself from the yelling, politely, is what adults do. You are not a little kid. Respect yourself – you deserve it.
Let them know if the curse in front of your son, call him fat, they will be asked to leave until they can behave like a respectful adult. You can “try” to speak up or you can speak up. And they can listen, or they won’t. If they don’t, the visit ends. You have control over your home and your children. Don’t give it to other people. Expecially ignorant people.
DO get to counseling!
Woah woah WAIT!!!! Someone HIT your 1 year old? WHY THE HELL ARE THEY STILL ALIVE!/!??! You “asked” them to stop? Why didnt you “ask” them with your FIST!?!? I have an 11 month old and if anyone laid a hand on him–it would be thier last day on earth!!!! Then after I beat them within an inch of thier lives, I would have them arrested for child abuse. Seriously, why dont you hit them back? See how they like it. Your post makes me so mad that I wish I knew where you lived, I would do it myself. Please dont ever leave your baby alone with these people, unless you have a death wish for him and can live with that the rest of your life. You would be crazy.
So that part crossed the line, absolutly, but I think you might be too sensitive about some other things. Let certain things go, like them not having baby stuff at thier house–thats just another excuse not to go over there. Putting on diapers wrong and breaking zippers-could be an accident or just laziness. Irritating, I know, but nothing to stress over. Calling him fat-stupid but harmless unless the kid is older and will then have low self esteem.
Your husband is in denial and you must stick up for yourself. You both need to go to counseling. If he wont go, you need to go by yourself. Be a tough woman, get angry and do what is best for you and your family.
This sounds really tough. There’s so much going on – I feel for you. First thing first, you have to do right by your son, so my biggest piece of advice is to do everything you can to protect your son and do your best to ignore or tune out the crazies around you. Listen to your mommy gut. This means not allowing them to hit him on the head or giving into them if they try to give you a hard time about having to leave to give your son a nap or put him to bed, feeding him good healthful meals, and not allowing anyone to give him junk. Then you should get into counseling with your husband — which will either get him on your side or help you come to a decision that you seem to be leaning towards (getting out of the marriage altogether). Sounds hard. Best of luck.
Cripes what a-holes your IL’s are. And your DH is a bigger one for not backing you up & allowing your child to be in jeopardy.
Actually they have given you an out on the babysitting – they do not have any appropriate baby gear. It’s their choice not to buy any & to be fair you can’t make them if they don’t want to, but one of the consequences of this is that they don’t get to spend time alone with your son in their home. It’s not up to you to cart your gear over to them at their whims.
If they are hitting your son on the head with anything more than a friendly pat then these people are monsters. I have one suggestion – hidden cameras are wonderful for capturing people behaving badly. If these offenses are truly bad then the tape can be used in court if needed which would be especially shameful for your former cop FIL.
But your biggest problem is your husband not your IL’s. Him not respecting you or trying to understand your fears is a far bigger issue because if he was on board with you then the IL’s would be backing off. he’s allowing this crap to go one & is encouraging it. Therapy time for the pair of you.
Tell your husband you are ready for a divorce or counseling HIS CHOICE. He needs to understand that what his parents are doing is unacceptable, dangerous and giving your child bad habits.
Institute a visiting schedule for when these awful people may visit YOUR home on the days/times YOU decide. If they don’t like it, tough. That is what I had to do with my crazy in-laws.
When they make you into the bad guy, turn it right back around on them. “I am sure YOU would want YOUR grandson to have the VERY BEST CARE and that means a NAP!” Then show them the door.
WIth their rude comments and unacceptable behavior, ask them to keave when it occurs. Tell your stupid husband he can have a happy wife of happy parents HIS CHOICE. Really, counseling is what this dolt needs most to understand that as your husband HE needs to be sticking up for you and what you want.
Frankly, with the coat, I would have sent them a bill for that and told them I would be happy to see them again AFTER they paid for the coat they ruined.
I think that some clear and serious boundaries have to be set here. First of all, you are entitled to parenting your child according to your values. YOU decide what is appropriate. You have the right to peace and a happy parent-child relationship where you know that your child is getting the best care. Take the distance you need no matter how much they disapprove. They are obviously not concerned about what is in your child’s and family’s best interest so who cares if they complain. These are selfish, uncaring and irresponsible people. They shouldn’t be giving your child food, watching him, dressing him and certainly NOT changing his diapers. My FIL, MIL and BIL would be catapulted to the moon before they ever got near my baby’s diaper. My advice is, get the heck away from these toxic people before they completetly ruin your life and marriage. Take your space and don’t be shy about it. I was always concerned about hurting my ILs feelings and they used that to walk all over me. I was branded the bad guy because they knew it bothered me. Manipulators will find your soft spot and go in for the kill. In contrast, my BIL’s girlfriend is a total selfish, nasty, aggressive, controlling b***h who abuses and disrespects them and they worship the ground she walks on. They don’t ever criticize anything she says or does even though she’s completely insane. They wouldn’t ever dream of upsetting her. If you’re the bad guy anyway, might as well do right by your child and your dignity.
As for DH, sit him down and ask him if your feelings are important to him. Husbands often see their side of the family as annoying but harmless and do not realize the real damage that in-laws can inflict. He needs to remember why he married you and understand what you are going through. Open your heart to him and ask him for his support. This may take time but remember, you are on the same team. Ultimately, it’s his job to put his parents in their place. Good luck. You are not alone
I think that your first and most important problem here is your husband. If he doesn’t care to make sure that you are not disrespected and allows this type of behavior to continue then he is not doing right by you or your child. Is that the type of father figure you want for your child? Tell him how his behavior and theirs makes you feel and let him know that you are a mother first and will keep your child at bay from anybody (including him) that behaves poorly and doesn’t do things that are in the childs best interest. Stand your ground and suggest counseling. Maybe he needs an outsider to help him see his parents poor behavior and its negative effects. Although a child should have a relationship with grandparents, do keep in mind that being a grandparent is a privilege and not a right, thus if they want to continue in his life then they need to earn the privilege because it is your right as a parent to keep him away if you feel they are unfit.
I have been in your exact place! Do NOT give into them on the basics of your beliefs on raising your child…if you do, you will only beat yourself up over it and its not worth it. The more ‘normal’ you can make things for your husband and child in your home, the sooner he can start recognizing the people who raised him are FREAKS! It takes a while but he will see it eventually. Take this from someone who has never let my ILs care for our child unattended for 5 years. They hate me because I won’t let them have “alone time” with our child but I can not bring myself to put my child in the care of such ignorant, self-centered, hate filled people…..it just feels very unsafe to me. My husband on the other hand felt as if his parents behavior was just fine ONLY BECAUSE HE DIDN’T KNOW ANY DIFFERENT @ THAT TIME….he is starting to and I’m glad. Mostly because he is reading “Toxic In-Laws” a great book. It will be a battle as time goes on but it is worth it if you feel you are doing what is best for your baby. You’ll just have to work with your husband so he will really know that it stems from your worries about your child’s wellbeing and not that you have bad feelings toward his family. My husband has not always agreed with my stance on this but he has always stood behind me in how I feel about it but he is starting to identify his family’s behavior as TOXIC instead normal & what he grew up with. Breaking away from the IL’s cycles of ignorant behavior is a huge step for him and he will eventually see how sick they really are. Be prepared and accept the fact they will blame you for anything you could think of but what it really is, they are freaked out and desperate because they are losing their son’s acceptance of their behavior. People who are unfit usually seek out people who are accepting of this behavior and then cling to them like crazy, this is why they can look at the wives as the evil woman who has brain washed their son. Example: My SIL has so much hate for me that she told people when I was pregnant “I don’t care about her or the baby, I wish they were both dead”…..OK, well keep in mind this is from a 50 something yr. old woman that still has to live @ home w/ her parents because she is so nuts she can’t hold a job…..this is also the same person who 6 months after making this statement was HORRIFIED (and her mother as well, my MIL) that we will not allow her around our children unattended. I’m not sure who to be more fed up with….the crazy SIL or her mother that sees nothing wrong with what her daughter said about me & our unborn child…..and they wonder why I don’t let them around the kids. That is not even diving into the fact that the SIL hears voices, thinks she can have conversations with the dead & beats on her mom (my MIL) when she fights with her….these people are toxic! Read the book, then ask your husband to read it with an open mind and go forth with confidence of trying to be a good mom. I hope this helps.