MIL hovers around grandson
by annehawaii on 01/26 @ 4:41pmMy MIL watches my toddler son during the week while DH and I are at work. In the mornings, when she comes to our house (yes, that’s extremely nice she can do that), I often get frustrated when I feel she’s hovering over me and my son — like she’s watching (criticizing) my every move, etc… When I’m trying to get my lunch stuff out of the fridge and into my bag in the kitchen, she often hovers so close that I can’t move — I have to say “excuse me” repeatedly. And this morning, he wanted a sippy cup that he saw in the drying rack, and then I couldn’t tell if he wanted milk (which we didn’t want to give him before his breakfast) or juice or water. He got a bit fussy, and then she snapped at me, “Why don’t you just give him water like he’s asking for?!!!?” I was too shocked to respond — her tone was very authoritative and rude. And I would’ve given him water right away if I’d understood that’s what he wanted… I always wish I had a snappy come back in times like this. What could I have said? I’m looking for something that’ll make her realize that her tone and approach was wrong, but not create a war (I hate conflict). How about, “I don’t know if you realize it, but I feel you hover over me around my son — please give us some space.” And/or, “Please don’t use that tone with me.” Or “Jeez, I don’t know what you’re so mad about?” (see I have a tendency to get passive-aggressive)…. Any suggestions are welcome. Thanks!
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5 Responses to “MIL hovers around grandson”
Well, all the suggestions you make sound fine to me. And they aren’t passive-aggressive at all! In fact, they are a direct statement as to what you expect and what is annoying you. You don’t need to be clever, you just need to spit it out. No one can magically make you do that. If she’s hovering, just say “MIL, just sit for a second so I can have some space to get this done.” If she snaps: “MIL, I don’t appreciate your tone, it sounds like your snapping at me.” If she’s a real jerk: “MIL, you owe me an apology for using that tone. I won’t tolerate it.” Never say anything that undermines your declarative statement, because that is a sign of weakness: no “I think that…” or “I feel like you…” because she’ll just try to weasel her way out of it. Everything you say should be stated as a fact. “You snapped at me…” or “You hover over me…”
The key will be to not get apologetic immediately after saying it. That just allows her to be hurt and use your words against you and it turns her into the person with power.
In the end though, you’re on much shakier ground with someone who is already doing you such a huge favor (and I assume you’re not paying her). She can simply say “well then I guess you can just find another babysitter” and you’ll end up having to cough up the money or else suck up to her until she’s satisfied. If you have the money to hire a sitter, it will save you some sanity.
When the MIL arrives have a cup of tea ready for her. Instruct her to sit herself down and REST (preferably in another room where you and your son will not be) before her busy day begins. If she gets up or tries to get underfoot or direct you in any way, firmly insist that she SIT DOWN and RELAX before HER loooong shift starts! You are only thinking of her welfare!
There is really nothing she can do, except as you wish, or she will come across and an ungrateful, controlling old cow.
Good luck!
“Please don’t use that tone with me,” is entirely appropriate. It is Direct.
It is not passive. Nor aggressive.
“Oh my, I have some kitchen work to finish. Could you please excuse me for a while while I wrap it up in here? I’ll join you in the other room shortly, to go over the day. Thank you.”
Lots of please and thank yous, be polite. Take a breath, relax count to 10, for a moment think how grateful you are for her contributions to your home, then you won’t be afraid of snapping when you state exactly what you need.
AHH My mother in law is all about the grandson too. The boy to carry on the family name.
She lives far away and visits twice a year with us and I tell her like it is!!
It is my hubby and I’s house and she has to be respectful if she is going to visit and treat everyone with respect.
Including YOU!!
You should watch your back with this one. “Why don’t you give him water like he’s asking for…” be careful she doesn’t get the idea that she knows your son better than you do.
If she’s a nasty woman, she’ll soon be full of wonderful stories about your son, all of which happened when you were at work. One of my friends is having this exact problem with her stepmother, who used to babysit her 12-year-old when he was little. At family functions, my friend can’t tell any funny stories about her boy without this woman leaping in with more (better) stories, trying to make it sound like SHE really raised him. It drives my friend insane.
If you have the money, see if you can get him into other care, even once a week. It’ll be good for his social development anyway.