Did I ask for trouble by accepting her generosity?
by joiebleau on 01/27 @ 3:07pmWe are newlyweds, and new college grads. My husband has been unemployed for approximately 4 months. I’m encouraging him to take his time. Its important that he find the RIGHT position. Unfortunately our savings has been depleted. My salary is consumed by our monthly expenses. This is a heavy but manageable burden. Two months ago my mother-in-law began helping financially. She provided groceries on two occasions, and made a car payment. I humbly accepted. The help was very much appreciated. Today, her gracious generosity took a nasty turn. A disagreement began when she insisted that I ask my parents for money. This is unacceptable. We are adults. I did not ask for assistance, it was offered. She left on bad terms, and I’m afraid this will taint our relationship permanently.
I’m confused, and need advice. Please provide me with some perspective. Why is she upset with me? Am I too proud? Should I ask my parents for assistance? Does her “generosity” warrant this type of behavior?
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Advice
8 Responses to “Did I ask for trouble by accepting her generosity?”
Don’t accept her offers anymore….period. Decline nicely. Don’t ask your parents for a handout either.
This “problem” has an easy fix. HUBBY CAN GET A TEMPORARY JOB! No, really, he needs to get anything that can bring in some bucks. People have been finding the “right” job for years, while working some other crap job until they do. Embrace this concept of looking while working…. in this economy one will need this attitude.
“Did I ask for trouble”…uuuuh YAH! You basically sold your soul. When people (especially family) give you money they own a piece of you.
You MIL obviously is now burdened by your expenses too. She wants you to ask your parents for money cause she doesnt want to give it to YOU.
As far as asking your parents for money, I cant give you advice on that because I dont know your relationship with them or thier financial status.
If you cannot pay your bills your husband needs to get a job. Even if it is not the “right job” you have to make money. I worked for $10 an hour at a job I found on the EDD website when I got laid off 2 years ago because we needed the money. Yes, it sucked, yes I was humilatied because I graduated from the 2nd ranked school in my field, but we managed to pay our bills. Because it would have sucked more and been more humiliting to accept money from my family!
Your husband can find the “right” position in his spare time. He doesn’t need every waking hour to do that, so in the meantime, he can and should find something temporary in order to help with expenses. I worry that he hasn’t stepped forward to do this already. You shouldn’t be the only one working and you shouldn’t excuse this behavior. How come he gets all the consideration and pampering while you work your butt off?
I’m a little unclear as to what the problem with your MIL is. You’re mad because she told you ask your parents for help? Well, it might be a rude thing to say, but I can kind of see where she’s coming from (though she should have told her son to get a job!). Now, granted, you did not ask her for money. However, she knows you need it and she gave it to you. This is a tricky situation. On the one hand, it’s none of her business to tell you to ask your parents for money. On the other, perhaps she sees her ability to provide support dwindling and is worried that nothing has changed (he hasn’t got a job yet) and was trying to get you to realize she isn’t going to be able to keep doing this. Or she thinks that you NEED the money to survive and that she shouldn’t be the only one shouldering the burden of helping to support you. Part of the problem seems to be that you’re offended at being TOLD what to do – I hear ya! But she may have the impression that you guys aren’t really adults if you can’t get your finances in order without parental help. You haven’t proven otherwise. I wonder if part of the problem is that you reacted drastically because deep down taking this money has made you feel like a child when what you really want is to be independent, and her demand brought that issue to the front – it was a wake-up call that you’re having to do some childish things (like rely on parents for financial support) and you don’t like it. But this is a situation your husband has put you both in and you need to redirect some of that anger.
If she’s normally a troll, I can see why you’re upset. But if she’s been ok in the past and has been generous with her help, you may just want to give her the benefit of the doubt. After all, the minute you took that money, you made her part of your financial picture, so she may feel entitled to make comments (not that she is, but it’s a common reaction to feel this way and isn’t limited to MILs). In the end, all you can do is pay your bills yourself and kick your husband into gear so that you don’t find yourself NEEDING to borrow money in the future.
Definitely agree with Louise – get a temp job for hubby, just delivering pizzas at night or whatever, until he can find that “perfect” job. My husband did that too – worked as a valet at the airport AND at UPS unloading planes, until he found his perfect position. He was working his butt off outside in the elements, but it was great motivation for him to find what he wanted a lot quicker! One last thing Joie – ever heard of Dave Ramsey? He’s a financial guru with a talk show on the radio and Fox Business channel in the evenings – he’s got an *AWESOME* get out of debt program, and it’s all about taking care of things on your own, working extra hard and just biting the bullet basically until you can get things under control. I promise I”m not trying to sell anything, just really really believe in this program and it sounds like it’s a good time for you guys to get in line with it or something similar. Good luck!
Your husband cannot afford to wait for the “right” job. He needs to be emplpyed ASAP. The longer he remains unemployed the harder it will be for him to find any job. Sometimes taking a less than ideal job ends up turning into something better. And he can still be looking while employed elsewhere.
You are just asking for trouble when you accept “help” from the MIL because it always comes with demands or strings attached. As soon as it is possible, pay the witch back for the car payment she made and the groceries and NEVER accept one more cent from her. Should she offer financial assistance in the fiuture, just say NO THANK YOU and do not accept it!
Hi Joiebleau
Isn’t it interesting how it often happens that a person accepting a gift kind of becomes a debtor? I read an interesting opinion piece on that in the Christmas 2009 edition of New Scientist, called “Beware humans bearing gifts” – and it revisits nicely the philosophical debate on whether there is such a thing as altruism. Should be available in your local library if you haven’t seen it yet and you like that way of gaining perspective/distracting yourself…
I think Louise and DDIL gave you very good advice. Keep your head up, and hope you feel better soon.
Best wishes from
Ya sort of. She might be secretly annoyed with her son that he does not have a job yet but then again some MIL’s want to put the blame on the DIL. A long time ago we borrowed money from my MIL. She made us feel like losers when she gave it us. We promptly paid her back a month later. We wrote her a check. When I got the copy back from the bank, I noticed a stamp on it from a check cashing place. I thought that was odd and I showed it to my husband. The next time he spoke with her, he mentioned it. She said that she took it to a check cashing place because she worried it might bounce and she didn’t want her bank account affected. ???? Seriously? She really thought we would write her a bad check? We have never wrote anyone a bad check and that was the first and the last time we ever borrowed money from her.
In this in economy finding the “right” job could take years. When I lost my career after 9-11, I had to work at Wal-mart. It sucked but its what I had to do.
I have been where you are my hubby is paralized from a car accident we bought his father (his mother passed away right before we met) out of the house they owned together. Well him and his new wife who I can’t stand offered to put a new window in our daughter’s bedroom. (we later learned it was hanging on barley and could have fallen over at anytime) I told my hubby every possiable way not to do it but he allowed them. They threw it in our face every chance they got. Tried to control everything and drove me crazy. Luckly we don’t live in that house anymore so now they can’t bitch about it.
As I told my hubby never take money or that kind of gift from someone who likes to hold things over your head.