SO.
I’ve been married for 7 months. My husband has one sister, 35, with two kids 2 and 3.5. From the beginning, (he didn’t introduce me to her before we were engaged) so I think she was a little t-d off, but we lived across the country from her. Well, now that he and I have moved to the same city (40 min. away) from her for his job, it is VERY AWKWARD when we go to her house. I am a sensitive person and I try to crack jokes, be nice, ask questions about the kids, etc…. but the atmosphere is SO FORMAL, oppressive, and awkward because not only is she socially awkward, but she makes competitive comments. My husband doesn’t always pick up her “off” comments, but a girl knows….. You know? I just hate going to their house because her values, are completely opposite mine and she makes it very evident. I enjoy nice things and value my appearance, (not overly), but my husband is a doctor and provides a wonderful fun life for us. She is also a doctor but wishes to spend her life working the underserved. I think it is great, but she won’t even acknowledge my wedding ring, and makes fun of the area of town we live in. It seems like jealousy to me, but I just want things to be normal. I had a crying episode last week to my husband after we left her house because it was so stressful.
Should I limit the time I spend with her? It’s his only sister? Or learn to let things roll off my back? It’s just that I come from a very supportive loving family, and the feelings I have around his family are not as such. I feel out of place, like she judges me etc…. I would appreciate any advice because I’m new to this and I don’t want a lifetime of forced and feigned enjoyment with her when I am really miserable.
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Advice
3 Responses to “awkward miserable sister-in-law”
You probably need to have a heart to heart with hubby and explain to him what is bothering you. Not just the “she did this” or “she didn’t do that” but really why it bothers you. I discovered after a year and a half of marriage that I had been complaining to dh about my mil, but not explaining to him why the things she said, did, or didn’t do were so hurtful or bothersome. (I swear as soon as I figured this out and started addressing the “issues” and not the “topics” -if you watch Dr. Phil you know what that means- it was as if a light bulb went off over dh’s head!) then, he needs to be the one to talk to her about this first. He needs to have a one on one with sis and explain that although you may not choose to live your lives the same way, that doesn’t mean that you can’t get along. I’ve also found it helpful for me to either be on my own turf or to be slightly preoccupied to help pass the time if she doesn’t change. For instance, we usually have to spend the night at the in laws so I will have a book I’m reading or sometimes I just take advantage of going to bed early since I have help with the kids -not in a rude and obvious way, just a way for me to disengaged and decompress from the stress of the situation. If you’re on your own turf maybe you have some gardening or laundry to take care of.
It sounds like you want friendship with SIL, except you don’t know her well enough to have developed a friendship yet. Have you ever spent time with your SIL one-on-one?
Is there some event that you’d think would interest her, something you could invite her to. Perhaps even while your DH watched her kids? Or maybe go to an outing like a museum exhibit with her and her children.I would say a meal to, but maybe to specific ethnic or new resturant. I think the idea of a special event as an excuse, sort of takes the pressure off the “now it’s you-n-me” time idea.
My mom always said women are nice to each other one-on-one, but add a man in the mix (any man) and some just COMPETE. Remove him from some of your interactions, and see how it goes.
Of course, she may say no. Be prepared to go with the flow if she has to decline. Life is busy for a young professional with very young kids, so try not to take it personally.
It’s not your fault your DH didn’t bring you to meet her before marriage; it’s his. She may well be t-ed off at HIM, and taking her resentment of HIM, the for-profit doctor, out on you. What is their brother-sister relationship like? You could just be experiencing some fallout. With time, though, it’s possible she may come to enjoy you more than she does him. Happens all the time (just ask my brother, who likes my DH wayyy more than me, LOL!).
Invite her family to your home for meals, don’t just go to her turf.
I have to admit that you expect her to say something about your ring, is a little odd to me. She’s not impressed by your diamond. Or your address.
Adjust your expectations. Don’t seek her approval. Just get to know her. Ask her about her. Casually offer a few sincere compliments as observations, expecting nothing in return. Engage with her children (kneel down and get down on their level, physically) respectfully. Keep being you.
Use that old Dear Abby party trick, of going in with the goal of making HER feel comfortable. With time, the ice will melt. Good luck!
You do not have to enjoy the visits, only tolerate them. You two may come from very different walks of life. Chances are you are never going to like each other and that is okay. Grow that thick skin and stop caring what she thinks. Because what she thinks does not matter one bit.
Regarding asking to see your ring, that is something one does with a newly engaged person or a bride. That is not you so asking about your ring is not going to happen. Not only that, it is trivial to even care about something like that.
Smile, don’t speak to the woman much and be glad she is not your MIL. If you don’t like going over to her house, suggest to your husband that he spend some quality time with prickly sis by himself.