I know some of you are probably thinking “what’s she complaining about?” lol. But trust me, it can be as difficult as a MIL that is always getting in your face. I feel that at least in those situations, your MIL is acknowledging that you exist. Well, let me start from the beginning:
I’ve been with my bf for 2 years now and we get along great. We’re pretty serious and are talking about moving in together in the future when he’s done with college (I finished in May and he has a year left. He’s older btw, it’s just that he started later than me because he worked for a few years after hs.) For the first 6 months of our relationship he kept it hidden from his parents because he figured they would react negatively. See, we’re from different races. He said that if we wait to see until it’s more serious that his mother wouldn’t try to intervene as much. Because it’d be easier to break up a couple that just started dating. By waiting, she’d see that we’re serious and have to accept it. I didn’t really fancy the idea and felt like I was being hidden in shame. He acknowledged my feelings and agreed that it wasn’t fair but asked me to be patient. 6 months turned into a year. He finally tells his parents.
Her first question? How dark is she? WTF?! (I’m Hispanic and the funniest thing is that I’m noticeably lighter than her.) We meet one day at Applebees. It’s me, my bf, his brother and her. (His bro’s cool and has known about me since day one. His opinion doesn’t hold much weight though since he’s a teenager.) His father didn’t show up because he had to work. Understandable, right? My bf has mentioned before that he works on Saturdays. But…he’s a tailor. He runs his own business and works his own hours. Still, understandable if he needs to work? It was prom season after all. We eat, she’s fake-ly pleasant (or pleasantly fake) and say goodbye. His bro and mom drive off and my bf drops me off home. He has to leave right after. Where? His aunt’s house to celebrate Easter. They decided to do it on Sat. because my bf worked on Sunday. But wait, what about his dad? Turns out that he showed up there. I was offended that he was too busy to meet me for an hour but could go celebrate Easter with my bf’s aunt and uncle for the rest of the afternoon. Oh and I wasn’t invited. I had a whole argument about this with my bf. At first he actually tried to defend it saying that his dad just took out a lil bit of time to go to the Easter thing but then conceded that it was a shitty thing his mother did. (She orchestrated the whole thing. Apparently she told her husband not to bother showing up because the relationship wouldn’t last. I was graduating in May and leaving the city to find work so she figured we’d break up. Unfortunately for her, we’re still going strong.)
That’s just one example. Many other events came and went, in which non-family was invited, and I was always left out. My parents met my bf and loved him and constantly ask about him. She acts as if we’d never met. The weekend of my graduation, my family came and his parents knew and didn’t have the decency to invite them over. She was kind enough to send me a bouquet of roses though. Because of things like this, my bf thinks she’s a saint and “trying”. Really? How about the fact that she’s ‘trying’ to break us up behind my back? She tells him to break up with me and he excuses it by saying she had dreams of him marrying within his race. Since she found out we are dating, she tried to limit our time together. Like she would ask him to be home by a certain time on a day she knew we were going to hang out and it would turn out to be for something trivial. I tell him this and he says I”m paranoid and that his mother isn’t capable of that. That she’s a busy woman and doesn’t have the ‘time’ to be scheming. Puh-lease!
He kept reassuring me that she would ‘come around’. I got tired of hearing this and blew up on him one day about this. He said that he was trying to protect my feelings but that she’s against it and may never come around. But that she’d be an excellent grandmother. I told him I don’t want a racist person like that around my children because she’d be a bad influence. He said he disagrees, that she’d be great.
I don’t care if she never likes me. I don’t like her so the feeling is mutual. My issue is his passive involvement in all of it. I feel he could do more. I know where I’m not wanted and don’t want to go to her stupid events anyway. But it bugs me that she purposefully excludes me from them and he goes without a problem. I confronted him about this and he said he has to because he’s still under her roof. That once he moves out if she doesn’t invite me too that he won’t attend. I’m not so sure…
I’d like to know other’s opinions on this situation. I thought I came to terms with this and that I’d just never go around his family. But I realize that deep inside this bothers me. But I’m not really sure if anything can even be done about it. I dislike bringing it up to my bf because it turns into a big argument that ends with him asking if we can speak about it some other time. Honestly, the only topic we’ve ever had NASTY arguments about, is his mother. I feel like if we’d ever break up, it’d be because of her. I barely know this woman and I feel as though I hate her.
Sorry this came out so long and thanks in advance!
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Advice
6 Responses to “FMIL ignores me”
My situation is a bit different since my BF and I are older (early/late 30’s respectively) and are about as ethnically similar as you can be without being related (lol – this was accidental!) – but my FMIL hates me for no reason and does everything she can to make me feel unwanted and unwelcome. So in lots of way, I feel like I am in the same mess as you.
Never let his family know that this bothers you – you will just be giving them what they want…
Your boyfriend on that other hand is a different story… Make sure he’s not passing on info to his family, and then let HIM know how hurt you are by his behavior. It’s hard to have this talk with the BF since it is his family – but if you can keep the anger out of your voice you can let him know that as much as you love him, the way he allows his family to treat you really hurts you and erodes at the trust and faith you have in him and in your relationship. The other day I told my boyfriend that I would NEVER allow my family to treat him the way he lets his family treats me. I didn’t say it in a pissy way – I just said it matter of factly. OMG – I think he almost CRIED because he felt so bad. I have NEVER seen this boy cry and dont’ expect to.
Try to be as loving and supporting of your fiancee but let him know how the way you are treated by his family undermines your relationship with him. Tell him you love him and want to do everything you can to make things work but that that doens’t mean you have to be a doormat and accept this kind of treatment.
Once you have accepted that his parents are always going to treat you like sh*t – the problem that remains is how your fiancee handles it. What is most hurtful is the idea that when they go home to their parents, they often have to act like you are not an important part of their lives in order to avoid a fight. I call this “the bubble”. I told my BF that when he goes home, he enters a bubble with his mom where I don’t exist and she can pretend he’s 12 years old again. He got mad at first and then acknowledged it was true.. Then he said he wanted me “in the bubble with him”. I said hell no, I don’t want to live in a bubble, I want to live in the REAL world. So much for that idea! Now when I’m feeling snarky, I refer to myself as his “invisible girlfriend that doesn’t really exist…”
I hope your boyfriend realizes how damaging all this is to your relationship and is willing to stand up for you. You need to present a united front to his parents if your relationship is going to survive, but that means both of you need to be on the same page about it… good luck!
Do not move in with this guy until you marry him.
Do not marry him until he stands up to Mommy and takes you to family gatherings as his guest no matter what.
And DON’T GET PREGNANT TO THIS GUY !!!!!!
It sounds like to me that he is just using you and
doesn’t want to take you around his family at all.
He is a lot of the problem because he won’ t do
anything that makes Mommy uncomfortable,but doesn’t care if YOU suffer.
I doubt that this guy even loves you.I am sorry to tell you this,
but I have a total of 22 combined years dating experience (I am 41,never married)
and I have dated enough jack*sses to tell you that if he
doesn’t take you around others in public,he wants to pretend
he doesn’t have a girlfriend because his family wouldn’t approve,or he is trying to find another girlfriend behind your back.
If he is kissing his family’s *ss,he doesn’t love you.
Go dump this tool and get yourself someone who thinks you are the best.
Hi, it is really sad this situation, and even more sad how frequent it happens. You seem to be young, do not waste your time. Even though it appears not to be fair to break up a relationship because of third parties, trust me when I say you need to do it. If you marry this guy you are heading for lots of hard times and unhappiness in you life. The problem is not his mother, your future mother in law, the problem is him since he does not seem to understand you. I beleive you, I know the mind games of this sick people. He is going to excuse his mother’s behaviour not matter what and the worst scenario is when you both have children. He is already telling you she will be a great grandmother, and you already know she is racist. If you feel left out now, wait until you are a mother. She will feel entitle to the grandchildren, she already has the support of her son, since he admits she is a good grandmother, and she won’t respect any of your boundaries as their mother. Break up with him, it is a win for you. Do not feel she won. They do not deserve you. You deserve a husband who loves you unconditionally and whose family welcomes you with open arms. Do not settle for less of what you deserve. And trust me, the problem is that woman not you. She will never be happy with any woman for her son and will always make life miserable to the next ones to come.
Good luck.
Before each of these lovely “events” that you are “not” invited to by the troll, send a quick card or note that says, “I am so sorry, but I will not be able to attend XYZ function, but I am allowing your son to attend. XOXOXOXO.”
It will drive her NUTS. Then it becomes YOUR CHOICE not to attend versus the old crone thinking she is keeping you away. Ha!
To the “she will make a wonderful grandmother” comment, I would reply with, “To be a wonderful grandmother she must first be a wonderful MIL and I don’t see that happening.” OR “Of course she will be a wonderful grandmother, because our children will never see or visit her since they will never see her without ME being present.”
Frankly, I’d ditch this guy and look for somebody new.
Girl, I know how you feel. My FMIL ignores me too and as much as I’d like to just forget and pretend like none of the things she’s said or done had never happened, I can’t. It hurts that I don’t have her approval because I don’t feel good enough. I wish I could give you a solution, but I’m still working on mine. Maybe you could invite her to your events or get-togethers? Although she may not be doing the right thing by excluding you, at least you will, and maybe she’ll come around if she feels that despite her attempts, you’re still unbroken and trying to make it work and then maybe she’ll give up.
Regarding your boyfriend, I feel like he’s always going to stick up for his mom a little, she did raise him. Unless he’s had some really hard times with her, it’ll be hard for him to see your point-of-view. Maybe you can calmly try to relate your feelings to him… I dunno, but let me know how it goes with you three!
This sounds very much like the situation with my FMIL. You are not paranoid – she is doing these things on purpose. It’s just hard to believe your instincts when your own boyfriend doesn’t! The best advice I can give you is this: if you love him and want to stay with him (irrespective of your family in law) do not do what I did! I got very upset with my FMIL for always being mean to me and insisting that her son spent all the festivals and birthdays with her (obviously without me), and cried my heart out to my boyfriend. In his eyes, mommy dearest can do no wrong and so as a result (having passed everything I said to his mother) our engagement is now off. But he still wants to be with me to see if his mom might like me more in the future. After two and a half years together, I am completely heart-broken and feel somehow betrayed. I don’t know your situation fully but from my experience, he wont ever change and I will spend every day that I am with him questioning his loyalty and having to put up with his mom. Do not blame yourself, you cannot help the fact that his mom is a horrible, selfish person. If it bothers you that much, maybe try seeing a relationship therapist together.