Wondering how you all feel looking back
by DILYa on 11/23 @ 4:41pmI’m wondering if any of you wished you’d got out while you could, or if you don’t regret staying with and marrying your OH because it’s only the two of you that really matter, even if you know you’ll never be treated even respectfully by his family.
I’m in my mid 20’s living with a guy who has a very close relationship to his mother- although her behaviour is bordering on obsessive. We live on the same street as them (his choice) and even though he sees her at least once a day she greets him by holding his head in her arms and repeating things like “my beautiful boy, my handsome, wonderful love” and cries and stamps her feet whenever he leaves town. Obviously she is possessive, and so I’ve made it clear I’m not trying to take her baby boy away by agreeing to live basically next door to them so she can see him and by being independent. I am out most nights a week with work friends, girlfriends or doing hobbies and classes.
The way she is with me seems even more childish. When she greets her son she is grinning or literally crying with happiness but then if I’m with him she looks at me and does a ridiculous pantomime disappointed face. I won’t give any of the many examples I remember but she snipes at me wherever she can about anything from my appearance to my slightly foreign accent to personal insults that have nothing to do with her, like the fact my siblings have a different father to me. She screams with laughter if I make a mistake or mispronounce something. Me injuring myself is also hilarious. Up until about a year ago I made an effort with suprise gifts which she immediately “gives to charity” or if it’s food she won’t eat it and pulls pained faces. You get the general idea.
My OH noticed and agrees that she could be at least civil to me, but doesn’t expect to have to choose between me and her. I understand that, and also know that it’s probably nothing personal because no woman would ever be good enough for her son. I would have washed my hands of them all a long time ago but I have a great relationship with my OH and can’t imagine feeling like this about someone else. It’s just I had hoped for better than this when I thought about the kind of person I’d want to end up with.
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Advice
11 Responses to “Wondering how you all feel looking back”
This sounds messed up. I”m facing the same kind of questions and situations but my BF recognizes that his mother has a problem and is trying to change things – YOU OH seems perfectly happy with things the way they are – no, he should not have to chose between the two of you. But if he wants to be a grown up, he should be able to choose to have an ADULT relationship with mommy that will allow him to move on with his life and start focusing on another woman (you) first. There is room for both of you in his life but it sounds like his mother does not want to share. He sounds like a mama’s boy. If he doesn’t think there is a problem with the current status quo, you might want to rethink this relationship. Don’t enable either of them by agreeing to live nearby so that they can maintain their cozy little emotionally incestuous relationship. GROSS!
Talk to your boyfriend about what bothers you. Try to keep any anger out of your voice and be the reasonable one – take the high road etc. etc… if he doesn’t respond, LEAVE!
Run! It gets worse. I also believe he is not showing his true colors. Is he that big of an ego maniac that he must have his personal fan club right next door? If he truly cared about you, he would care about the realtionship you have with his mother. The whole situation sounds very strange. I would run!
I have this problem to, not exactly like this but very similar. And part of me wishes I did get out before we got married. But, I also thought things would have changed once she saw that I truely love her son. NO! Things got worse, now my husband & I have two beautiful sons. She is a great grandmother I’ll give her that. I’ve gotten fed up w/it all. My MIL & FIL live just right up the road from us, we live in a family community where it’s just HIS family. I barely get to see mine & I hate it. I love my husband, but I can’t stand his mother anymore. Sometimes it gets so bad I just start crying because I don’t know what else to do. Anytime she sees her son, it’s like it’s the first time in years. any time my husband gets sick he doesn’t want to stay here because he doesn’t want me to get sick then pass it on to the kids, so he goes to stay with his parents. Which I hate becuase his mother acts like it is my fault that he is sick. My husband is a mama’s boy, he is also an only child. Once my husband was born his mother never went back to work, so she thinks I should be the same way since I’ve become a mother. But I have tried talking to my husband and nothin works.
So before you get married, sit down and talk to your fiance & make absolutely sure it’s what you want & also before yall bring children into the situation.
Frankly DILYA, you sound like you are trying to wedge yourself into this relationship and you may not really want to. Did you try on the DOORMAT costume at Halloween and forget to take it off? I see signs in your post you see the problem….then you waffle of your wants and needs. SPEAK UP FOR GOSH SAKE!
All aboard, for Momma’sBoyLand!
You say you go out with friends, take classes, are not home much. Well, then, this is the perfect opportunity to find somebody new.
The guy you are with now is married to Momma. In five or ten more years do you want this?
I dated a Momma’s Boy once. UGH! Never again. They are not worth it. Only a few wake up and see Momma for who she is. I am betting your guy stays in a coma regarding this matter.
Get out!
Run. Fast. How could you possibly respect him if he can’t grow up and cut the cord? What is it going to be like if you two have children? Mom’s the boss then too?
I don’t mean to be rude, but if you see this all now and still marry him, I’m not sure you deserve much pity when she continues to treat you this way and make you miserable. It only gets worse when you get married. Just picture trying to plan a wedding with her around!
You deserve a grown man. Get out now.
DILya-
You ain’t woman enough to take her man.
I mean it.Those two are Oedipus and his Mommy.
Do you really want to take a back seat to his Mom?
I mean it,get out while you can.This is a warped,twisted web that YOU
WILL GET CAUGHT UP IN.
You actually CONSENTED to live on the same street as that woman????
You need to test your man’s devotion.
Here’s How you do it…
1. Get him alone when he is talking with you and undistracted,and I dont mean in the late evening or early morning when most people are sleepy.
2.If you are from another country or if there is another country that he knows you have an interest in,tell him this:
“You know,(boyfriend),I am really thinking about moving back to Japan (insert your favorite state or country here)next year to (visit,see relatives,join the military,etc….etc…).I think that would be good for me as a person.What do you think?”
Watch his body language,note his tone of voice,does he appear agitated,angry,confused,or happy interested and refreshed?
Next,say “When I move to (insert state or country here)will you move with me?”Smile at him.
Again,watch his body language,note his tone of voice,does he appear agitated,angry,confused,or happy interested and refreshed?
If he looks anything less than excited and happy at the thought of moving away to another country with you,dump him.
I mean it.
I told my ex boyfriend of 16 years this, and got my answer about how he felt about me.This very test helped me figure out that his family was #1,not me.
This is REALLY sick. “ns” was right when she said “incesious”. CREEPY.
First I want to say that I never regret marrying my husband, even though he tortured me with his mother. She is gone for now and we are at peace and just hoping she dies soon.
But YOU, damn girl…you gotta GTFO!!! It sounds like he is in so deep that even trying to set small boundries will be impossible. You live on the same street? He sees her EVERY day? WTF? What grown man does that? This is so sick that I dont even know what to say…
You gotta go girl, please.
DILYa, I have been married for over ten years to a mama’s boy. For six of those years I lived just down the road from her. Trust me, it does not get better, it just gets WORSE. And the answer is yes, I look back on it all and wish like HELL, that I had run the other way instead of marrying into such a dysfunctional family. Don’t put up with all his and his mother’s nonsense. You deserve better.
Hi DILYa!
Your MIL sounds like a real fruitcake! I hope your man wants to grow up and have an independent adult life. If he likes it how it is, he must be wacky too, and your life with him will always be like this.
I would film her freaky actions and post them on YouTube! Too bad this site doesn’t have little films from the DILs, it could be really funny!
omg… I love you ladies.. I thought only I went through this.. I was sitting here angry and I cant speak to my husband as his mom got to him first and now he’s frustrated so I googled WHY IS MY MOM IN LAW NUTS? And here you are… a wonderful venting page… I def do not regret EVER that I married him but I do regret agreeing to live with my mom in law… she’s a widow so im all like ok poor lady… YEA RIGHT!!!! My husband does see it but I also see what he goes through to not rip her head off so I stay calm… HELP ME!!! She’s NEVER happy.. She hates my family but oh no don’t let
ANYONE mess with her kids… ugh!!!!! I offer to help my family I get the whole this is my house (mind you I pay all the bills) you can’t make decisions without ME, who do you think you are, etc…etc…